Resident Evil 5

Because Christmas is that special time of year where distant relatives decide to pretend they don't hate you by uncomfortably cramming themselves into your everyday life for a week or so I found myself replaying Resident Evil 5 cooperatively with my cousine. My first playthrough of RE5 the previous year left me with lukewarm feelings. It was certainly very underwhelming when you compared it to RE4, which is one of my favourite games of all time. This second playthrough on the hardest difficulty has given me the opportunity to really figure out why I was so underwhelmed the first time. So rather than my usual game review format I thought instead I'd share with you my critical opinions on what made RE5 inferrior to RE4.

The Pirate Merchant Sex Offender
I did a blog post on this guy a while back in the days when my blog was cutting edge and exciting. Basically he was this mysterious shop keeper who followed you around and eagerly showed you his wares from underneath the kind of large coat people wear to flash the high school girls swimming team with. He was creepy and lovable all at the same time and the phrase "welcome stranger" became much more hilarious amongst enlightened individuals that it really out to be. Hell they even quoted him on Bayonetta. So you'd expect a certain level of disappointment from people, myself included, when it was discovered that this crazy merchant would not be in RE5. But not only did one of our most cherished characters not return but he was also replaced with nothing more than a menu. There was no character selling you stuff, just a list of words that took your money. But this is just one of a few examples in which Resident Evil 5 decided to...

Take All the Fun Out of the RE4 Formula
Let's not kid ourselves, RE4 was rediculous. It had weird stalkers selling you rocket launchers, it had a weirdo parasite worshipping cult who hated the USA and it had an albino midget dressed as Napoleon hacking into your two way radio system just so you and he could exchange "yo mamma" jokes. But it was rediculous in a fun way. It had abandoned almost every aspect of the original games, both gameplay and plot wise, in order to make the whole experience varied, enjoyable and hilariously camp. RE5 is also rediculous but in a way that is completely not fun. Perhaps Capcom felt that their game needed to be more gritty and serious to stand up and be counted amoungst the current generations big, serious action titles? Who knows why but for some reason they decided to make the game all serious. Which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but the problem is they also forgot to make it good. Let me put it like this, you know how there are movies that are so bad that they're good? Well that's RE4. Well you know how there are some bad movies that are also so bland and serious that you can actually feel your life wasting away as you watch them? Well that's RE5.

Co-op and the Inventory SystemI personally don't have a problem with co-op modes in games. I actually think that they can make a very welcome addition to a game. But that's exactly what they should be, an addition. The problem with RE5 is that it's set up in such a way that playing it non-cooperatively puts you at a crippling disadvantage. This is because playing by yourself is really just playing co-op except with an A.I. team mate, an A.I. that is incredibly tedious and annoying to control and put up with. But this wasn't a huge concern for me because for the most part I was playing with a helpful, human companion. BUT the ghost of this co-op game design still lingered in the inventory system. The inventory system in RE4 was excellent and allowed you to carry everything you could possibly need if you were clever with how you used it. It seems that with the addition of co-op and hence two inventory systems (one for each character) the game designers felt it would be perfectly acceptable to cripple the ammount of stuff you can carry. It all ends up being this horrible mess of swapping crap back and forth between characters and for what? It doesn't make the game more challenging, just more tedious and frustrating.

Quick Time Events
RE4 was the first game I can recall that used quick time events during what would normally be random cutscenes. While I wasn't really impressed by their inclusion I certainly never found them instrusive or punishing enough to be a dealbreaker. Then in waltzed RE5 saying "you know what? I can make Q.T.E.'s much more annoying than that." And before you knew it you were doing an entire fucking boss where you had to use quick time events the whole way through and if either me or my cousine fucked up, just once, it was instant death time to start over. It was frustration that I haven't felt for a game since trying to unlock everything in Mario Kart Wii.

But this isn't to say that RE5 is bad. Resident Evil 5 is still a pretty good game really it's just that at the end of the day it hasn't really added anything significant to the series and really just became a crippled version of RE4. The whole point of sequels, appart from cashing in, is to further develope and improve over what came before. RE5 just took steps backwards and I really don't understand why. It had less variety, less convenience, less humour, less sense and less functionality? What the fuck is with that? In the end RE5 failed to distract me from the fact that the girl I adore was in a land far far away and I was missing her warmth and companionship. At night I hug the pillow she slept on...*sigh* I miss my Moomee.

So Long 2010

Ah yes it's that time of the year where everybody who's anybody (and even some nobodies such as myself) take a look back at the year that has passed and re-iterate all the points they've already made at other points in the year. 2010, like any year, has had dizzying highs and crushing lows. I even developed a very close and special relationship with someone (she knows who she is) that I'm sure will remain strong for many years to come. So just in case you care what I think about this stupid year, I'm going to plonk everything into awards categories.

The Dark Horse Award for Unexpected Excellence
This award hands down goes to Nintendo. After years of shafting it's loyal fans to suck money through the genitals of the casual market Nintendo came out of the shadows at E3 this year to announce some awesome new games and even a cool new handheld console. While Sony and Microsoft farted about trying to get in on the casual, motion control bandwagon Nintendo were announcing a new Donkey Kong, a new Kirby, a new Zelda (two if you count the Ocarina of Time 3DS remake) and much more. Having finished the new Donkey Kong and loving every waking moment of it's retro brilliance I am truely excited for what the other yet to be released titles might be like.

The Supermodel That Flirts With You But Then Turns Out to be a Religious Conservative Award for Biggest Disappointment
I thought about this one long and hard. I don't really remember having high expectations of anything this year and as we all know, without expectations it's hard to be disappointed. A few things came to mind, like Weeds, which I only started watching a few months ago and never even came close to matching the level of hype being generated for it. And Final Fantasy XIII which should have further developed and refined the gameplay and design of FFXII but instead stripped away all sense of freedom and witheld all the good bits until after you finished the confusing, badly told, 40 hour story. But the winner in my eyes is the whole damn christmas release schedule of 2010. Out of fear to be in direct competition with the new World of Warcraft expansion (AKA something I don't give a shit about) most companies didn't have the balls to release their cool new games after about November. Nintendo released Donkey Kong Country Returns and then unless you wanted a Kinect or a Playstation Move you were pretty much fucked for Christmas games. In the end I asked for games that I had missed from much earlier in the year. Christmas used to be THE TIME to release your brand new AAA title. I guess I don't mind them getting spread out a bit though.

2010 Game of the Year
I don't give a fuck if I am the only person in the world who thinks this. But for me the game I had, without a doubt, the absolute most fun with this year was Bayonetta. I loved this game to such an extent that even when the vaguest of hints were dropped about the possibility of a sequel I started squealing and telling everyone who was in the house. Enough said, Bayonetta is fantastic. Special mentions go to Donkey Kong Country Returns and Super Mario Galaxy 2.

The Finding $20 in the Street Award for Most Pleasant Surprise 
I'm not sure if pleasant really quite covers the immense love I feel for this show. The Inbetweeners is the winner and it is the funniest show I have seen in years. As far as addictive new TV shows go it is basically 2010's Big Bang Theory. I have only started watching it within the past couple of months and since then I have seen all 3 seasons at least 5 times each. It is brilliant. If you are capable of laughter then I highly recommend checking it out as long as you aren't some massive pussy who is easily offended and can't handle a bit of vulgar language, in which case why in the fucking hell would you be reading this blog you stupid bum fingering dickhead?

The Part Where I Get Excited About 2011
Well as mentioned previously there is going to be a new season of The Games and saying my expectations are high is like saying that Paris Hilton is "quite well off" or "I suspect that much of the cast of Pirates XXX aren't virgins." Video game wise 2011 has many exciting new games coming out like the aforementioned Nintendo titles, Bulletstorm, Deus Ex: Human Revolution and even the now legendary Duke Nuken Forever (which I'm really more excited about for the sheer novelty of it actually existing). A little later on in the year the new season of Breaking Bad will start and finally relieve it's fans after cock teasing them all the way up to the season 3 finale before checking it's watch and saying "I gotta go now. Here, take some tissues. Seeya!"

The Extra Special "I Love You" Award For Being the Person Who Made 2010 an Aimazzing Year
Again...she knows who she is ^_^

Jungle Boy

I'm not normally the kind of person to give shout outs on my blog but I'm prepared to make an exception today because (a) she's a really important person to me; and (b) without her I would never have even discovered that this movie existed. So this blog is dedicated to Aimee, without her I'd have no post today. Thank you.

So moving onto the actual review. Today's animated classic comes courtesy of Cards Plus (DVD PTY LTD and all that bullshit), who apparently felt that in order to compete in the savage world of Birthday cards they needed to include short animated movies. There are several others out there but the one I happened to recieve in the mail was Jungle Boy. Not Jungle Book just so you're aware, they're completely different. This is about a young boy becoming estranged from his parents in the jungle and being raised by the animals. Oh wait sorry it is the same. Well except it's worse. Much much worse. I'm not even sure the person who wrote the blurb on the back of the card watched it. Here's what it says...

"When little Mowgli toddles into the heart of the Seeonee Wolf Pack, who adopt him, the jungle will never be the same again. With the help of his teachers, the big-hearted bear, Baloo and the wise panther, Bagheera, the boy learns the language of the wild and the secrets of Jungle Law."

However here's what I wouldv'e said. Having already been raised by animals into a young man Mowgli must bridge the gap between man and nature in order to save the jungle he calls home. There's also a romantic subplot and some musical numbers The picture on the cover doesn't really even look like the movie, Mowgli is far too young. Maybe the people who wrote the blurb just watched the Disney version instead, for which I couldn't blame them. I don't remember Baloo and I don't remember the boy learning the secrets of jungle law. Mind you this 44 minute animation does have this habbit of just being completely unmemorable, it just sort of happens barely registering in the background of your mind. The movie tries to squeeze an aweful lot into those 44 mins but this means that lots of plot and characterisation takes a backseat. For example Mowgli's biological parents thought their son had been swallowed up by the earth when it opened up during a jungle excavation. Even if you swallow the troubling notion of taking your only child in a basonet into the unexplored jungle and sitting it on the ground while you dig, what happens next in the story is bat shit crazy. Some random hunter calls them up around 18 years later and mentions seeing a boy who behaves like an animal to which they basically say "That's just vague enough to be our son who must've been raised by animals instead of crushed by rubble, let's fly back to this remote jungle right away and have a more thorough look like we should've probably done at the fucking time." But of course more sensible plot progression needs to be sacrificed to make room for the couple of random, uncatchy songs that get shoehorned in for no conceivable reason beyond trying to copy Disney.

At the end of the day I'm not really sure what I can say about this movie. It's certainly bad (any movie in which guns are inexplicably pink can't really be good after all), but for a movie that will only ever have a limited audience and undoubtedly had a minescule budget it's much better than you'd expect. My main gripe is how inaccurate the blurb is, which is more baffling than anything else. But even if it's not the completely shit movie it appears to be I still don't really understand why they made it? It certainly has nothing to do with Birthdays. It seems like an aweful lot of extra effort and expense just to make a greetings card. I certainly can't imagine it makes them a fat profit. And this is what this company does, I mean it's right there in the name "Card Plus DVD." This is what they do? This is their buisiness model? You know what I think? I think this whole company is just a front for some money laundering scheme or so some guy can tie up his drug money in a legitimate looking buisiness. Except of course it doesn't look legitimate at all. It looks sus. Really, really sus. Just look at that picture above. Look at the bear's face as he eyes-off boy Mowgli. Sus.