"Sir, I Think You've Had Enough"

So there I was on a Friday night, by myself, accidentally molesting random strangers as we all crowded around the understaffed bar waiting for our drinks. There are times in my life when I'm forced to reflect and reconsider my long-held belief that mankind is shit. This was not one of those occassions. Standing alone at the bar for 40 mins, gettting limply shoved about by women who don't find me appealing and men who don't find me threatening, I was given a lot of time to mull over the question "what the fuck am I doing here?"

Since turning 18 all those hazy years ago I have on many occassions decided that I hate going out to the pubs/clubs and vowed never to do so again. It's too pricey, too loud, too crowded and I can't engage in conversations with more than one person at a time because you can't ever hear the other person unless their lips are pressed to your cochlea. But despite my frustrations with the sticky floors and the prices of beer I always find myself presenting my drivers licence to the emotionless, brick shithouses with the earpieces that guard the entrance. I have a compulsion it seems. A sickness. And this sickness isn't just classic alcohol dependence; I can get my booze elsewhere and for a fraction of the cost. So what the fuck is my problem? It's time to put on our overthinking caps and explore the possibilities.

1. I love meeting new people
To all of you who think this is a viable option, "Hey, welcome to my blog. If you like your opinions angry and vulgur you've come to the right place."

2. To attract a female
I did some number crunching recently. By using the same calculations one would use to calculate the percentage yield in chemistry I calculated how much success I had yielded in my sexual experiments. By replacing the term "yield" in the equation with the term "hook ups" (girlfriends notwithstanding) I calculated my success at roughly 1.42%. Which means that for every 100 times I go out to drink in a public venue I can expect to "get some" with around 1 or 2 women. So that surely can't be my motivation for going to the pub as I haven't yet commited suicide or been sectioned.

3. I have money to piss about
I'm willing to admit there have been times where this was the case, mostly in the presence of my closest friends on those infrequent occassions where a sizable group of us are all in the same city at the same place with the necessary funds and free time. These factors unfortunatley don't come together as often as I'd like, but like a mirage in the desert they offer me the hope that one day I will go out again and have genuine fun.

4. I love to dance
Fuck dancing.

5. I love the music
In comparison to dancing.

6. The previously described objections are overruled by my smug sense of superiority knowing that I was right to hate this place and everyone in it.
If you think this is a viable option I'd just like to take some time aside to personally thank you for setting aside a no doubt sizable amount of free time to sit at your computer and read through my wealth of blog entries. We've come a long way together my friend.