PC Box Fodder - A Few of the Shittest Pokemon Across the Generations

Pokemon Black 2 and White 2 have hit the stores this month and to celebrate their availability I'd like to personally shit on all the pokemon I don't like. The list is by no means comprehensive but I feel like I've covered many of my major gripes across the wide spectrum and many of the other pokemon I hate basically for reasons already covered here. But enough of these boring qualifying statements, it's time to get ranty.

Castform

Phoar! Check out the puppies on that pokemon. I mean in all honesty why does this pokemon have a pair of giant breasts? Oh yeah right, Japan, forgot about that. Don't get me wrong, normally I could get down with a buxom pokemon but the fact remains that castform is shit in battle. It has one of these quirky abilities to change it's elemental type based on the weather conditions during battle, which in a practical sense means this pokemon is unpredictable and thus unreliable. So, ya know, thanks for the tits and all but I'm gonna shove my castform straight in Bebe's box. And that's not a euphamism.

Pretty sure Castform could use the support of a bra.

Tentacool

You know, Zubat really does get a lot of schtick for being an annoying, pest-like pokemon, and rightly so. But far more annoying than Zubat, at least I find, is that fucking ocean cockroach known as Tentacool. Yeah cool! Tentacool. What a cool pun. Tentacool. Cool. TentaCOOL.

What a fucking disaster.

Cool story bro

I mean I guess I could handle that godawful name if I didn't have it shoved in my face every 5 seconds whilst I'm just trying to cross the fucking lake. As well as that they always seem to be rediculously underleveled for how far along they appear in any of the games, so they're not even good for experience slaughter. And then they poison while you're just trying to get to a proper trainer battle. What a Tentafool.


Farfetch'd

Here's another generation one masterpiece. A lot of misty-eyed, 20-something fuckwits argue that generation one is the golden era for pokemon; containing all the most majestic, powerful and well designed pokemon ever seen. But it's worth remembering that for every Blastoise or Dragonite there was a Ratata or a Grimer. I mean just look at this fucking duck holding a vegetable it will be served alongside in a soup and tell me it's part of the pokemon master race.

A leak and a monobrow? Shit! You'd better lock up your daughters.

Again, it's weak as shit and can't even evolve, so it never achieves greatness in and sense. At least they're not pests in major, unavoidable areas like Zubat or Tentacool.

Pidove

This fellow is probably one of the first pokemon you'll bump into in Pokemon Back 2 or White 2 and to be fair it evolves into a decent pokemon. I don't even mind how it looks, in its first form anyway. Hell, if I had it my way I'd just whack this guy in Generation one and pretend Pidgey never happened. But seriously Gamefreak, we're all good for normal/flying types thanks.

"Hi guys, I'll be your 3 formed, normal/flying type this generation. I'm cute at first but then I evolve into Tranquil."

Ditto

Ditto is useful, but fucked up. In the very first games he was the "quirky changing one" (like Castform). But unlike Castform, Ditto became useful for breeding after generation 2. It's useful because it's ability to tranform meant it could breed with any pokemon of any gender. So it's useful and never leaves the daycare, but it's essentially the biggest slut in any work of fiction ever. Castform may have breasts but Ditto has the tits, arse, cock and cunt of any and all living creatures and will happily provide them on demand for anyone who gives it the time of day. You know how humanity contracted HIV and consequently AIDS from gorillas? Well I like to think that in the world of Pokemon Ditto is the only living creature with every STI to ever have existed.

"I can be anything you desire baby."

Luvdisc

A stupidly weak water-type pokemon that looks like a loveheart with a stupid smoochy face. Also they spelt "love" wrong in its name and it's not disc shaped. 

It's eaither a heart or a big, pink pair of buttcheeks with the arsehole poking out the wrong side.

Alomomola

Another name gripe. The "fun" thing about Alomomola is it's a palindrome, so it's spelt the same backwards as forwards. So whoopie to that shit. The other thing that pisses me off is that it looks like it should be the evolved form of Luvdisc. It looks similar and it's pokedex entry calls it an "emotion" pokemon like Luvdisc. But no, instead of improving Luvdisc they just chuck a shit word game in there.

The really fun thing about Alomomola is that its name sounds like a naughty body part.

Gothita

Gothita is actually a pretty good psychic-type pokemon and I have used one happily in my main party. But my god, what the fuck have they done to it? It looks like an underage, Bratz doll sex slave. I really shouldn't be able to see the pronounced arse of an infant pokemon. Ditto might be into that shit but I most certainly am not.

"Oh no everyone can see my bum."

Trubbish

This pokemon is a bag of garbage with a grumpy face drawn on. They must've been really keen to get home the evening this pokemon was conceptualised.

It's a fucking bag of garbage. 'Nuff said.

Tokyo Jungle - a PS3 Review

Don't let these cute creatures fool you. I'd seen these tiny puffballs take down a cow and strip it the the bones. Okay so it was just in a videogame, but I'll be damned if the images aren't seared permanently into my brain.

Tokyo Jungle is a PSN exclusive game that lets you play as a variety of domestic and exotic animals struggling to survive in Tokyo after mankind has vanished. What happened to humanity is left largely a mystery, although collectible newspaper articles and weblogs hint at what might of happened. Personally I'm happy not knowing, I find the mystery much more eerie. Besides it ultimately doesn't matter. We lost, we're gone, our pets are in charge now and we need to accept it.

At its core, Tokyo Jungle is a simple and repetitive arcade-style game. As a word 'repetitive' gets a pretty bad wrap in the world of gaming, but in the case of Tokyo Jungle it's that sort of addictive repetition that a well-designed mobile phone game might have. I mean sure I played through this level 20 times before, but this time I can play as a beagle wearing headphones. You start the game with only two animals to choose from but each of those can unlock another when certain conditions are met, with the added possibility of finding clothing and accessories for your animal. I don't know about you but I'm willing to put in a metric fucktonne of hours just to see how pervy these outfit and animal combinations can get. There are two main modes to play; survival and the story chapters (which must be unlocked in survival). The story chapters offer a few scenarios to play out as a seletion of animals, each with a certain amount of humour, charm and characterisation built into it. Most of the lasting appeal is found in survival mode, where you must eat, fight and fuck in order to keep your species in the gene pool. It's quite simple yet has enough depth to it to remain engaged. You have a hunger bar that keeps decreasing, so obviously you've got to make sure you're constantly fed. But you can't live forever, so you need to reproduce to keep the game going. But what of the females? Well they don't even present themselves until you've marked your territory in several key locations in the area. Then there's choosing. Do you want a guarenteed fuck or would you rather hold out for the finest pussy that the feline kingdom has to offer? The better the mate the better the stats of your offspring, who you will go on to play as. But in order to bury your bone in the alpha bitch you've got to become alpha yourself, by securing large quantities of food. And oh fuck is that smog? Better get the fuck out of this district before I assimilate a lethal dose into my system. All the while the clock is ticking by, keeping track of how many years you've managed to not be an evolutionary dead end. When you finally die, and you will die, the game tallies up your achievements and time spent on this earth and gives you a nice fat score that you can stick up on a leaderboard and say to yourself "boy, I'm so much shitter at this game than everyone else".

The game also has a multiplayer option, which I've been enjoying with my housemate and podcast collegue Joey. Doing so allows you to form a pack and what's interesting is that you don't have to be of the same species. You can literally be playing on the same team as an animal you'd normally consider as food. Would you like to see a velociraptor work collaboratively with a rabbit? Well lucky for you because this is possible in Tokyo Jungle.

Of course, the game isn't without its flaws. Many of the aforementioned animals take many hours and playthroughs to unlock and you're forced to play as a lot of shit creatures before you finally earn the right to play as a tiger or a chimp. There's a definite sense of reward to be found here and it's nice to experience everything but on the other hand it's likely to be very offputting to newcomers to be landed with only the pomeranian and the deer to play as without a fucking clue how to unlock any of the other 80 or so animals. Also, it pisses me off to no end to see that there are a few awesome animals that are left out of the game unless you pay for them with real money. If you were hoping to just buy the game and have instant access to the panda or the kangaroo them I'm affraid you get to eat more shit than a starving terrier, cos that's gonna cost you extra.

But minor gripes aside there's a lot of fun to be had here. It's a lot of simple, well thought out retro gaming in a unique, intense and rewarding package. For just under $16 Australian you'll laugh, scream, clench your teeth, tense your buttocks and yell at your friend to stop eating the rabbits you killed. All in all, sounds like good value to me.

Of Closing Doors and Opening Windows

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that "mild" is about as enthusiastic as I get in regards to celebrations. I rarely "woo" and can only be coaxed into following up with a "hoo" whilst heavily medicated. A very close friend recently called me a reserved person, which I felt was wildly inaccurate but didn't dare say it aloud. So in light of this; knowing me, knowing you, uhuuuuuh; I'd like to say a big congratulatiuons to me for finishing a Bachelor of Science with a Chemistry Major!

Are you using my helium to make your voice like that?

Anyway enough of that, wouldn't want to lose my composure. So that's all the personal life big news out of the way, so now is time for news on my projects. As you can see Infinite Possiblogities has come out of hibernation once again and I have enough steam left to sustain me for at least a few more posts, which I'm sure is massively important to some freak out there (I love you really). Some of you may know me best as the second half of the comedic Still Not Happy duo, which has branched out drastically from the podcasts and now includes a radio show which is broadcast on Sundays from 6 to 8 pm on Tune! FM 106.9. So just in case you're some sort of Mars dwelling gorilla and didn't know of these outrageously popular developements you can now consider yourself part of the cutting-edge. So radio, podcasts and blogs are all going to be happening from here on out and will no doubt make a lovely change for me next year from crying in the corner of a chemistry lab somewhere wishing I'd never chosen to do honours. So watch this space for much funnier material coming very soon.

Titwank.

See, it's funnier already.