The Perks of Being a Wallflower - A Movie Review

Last week I reviewed To The Moon, a beautifully underplayed and subtle game that moved me to tears and compelled me to recommend it to anyone I could make listen. This week I'm reviewing a movie that the internet has been banging on about for ages and that is desperately trying to touch and inspire everyone with all the subtlety of an brooding teenager writing suicide poetry in blood. Yes this week it's The Perks of Being a Wallflower that's wandered unknowingly into my dungeon and  I plan to show it just how little love I "feel it deserves". But before we dive in I just want to make it absolutely clear that I'm reviewing the movie and not the book. It should also be noted that I don't give a flying fuck about the book and all predictable attempts to convince me that the book is superior or that the movie "missed the point"  will be met with contempt and rejection. Or to put it in terms you might better understand "in this moment, I swear the amount I don't fucking care is infinite." Now on with the show.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a 'coming of age' movie by the producers of Juno, who are still as desperate as ever to get audiences everywhere to like their taste in music. We get it guys, you like Sonic Youth. Congratulations on being so alternative. It stars Logan Lerman, Ezra Miller and oh my fucking god Emma Watson. Speaking as the only person on planet Earth who is largely indifferent to Emma Watson and has no strong desire to fuck, marry or be her best friend I must admit that she is, along with the other leads, good in her role. Although I did find it unashamedly fan-servicing when her character first appears on screen in this sudden, out-of-place close up as if the whole cast and crew are preparing the audience to squeal with Emma Watson-adoring glee. It's like the scene was shot for her entrance to get a standing ovation. I bet they fucking wanted that.

The plot follows a freshman at high school called Charlie who's only friend recently committed suicide and who has mental issues stemming from a big dark secret that you'll have to wait until the end of the movie to discover. Although quite frankly given how heavy handed the plot is at times I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to figure it out long before then. But anyway Charlie ends up in the company of two senior year students who befriend him and open him up to the world. Their names escape me but all you need to know is that one a playful, quirky gay man and the other is the gentle love interest who is trying to escape her past of sexual promiscuity and feelings of worthlessness. From the get go the movie is packed with personalized mix-tapes that express true feelings, the sharing of vinyls and books, heads being poked out of moving vehicles and drugs being taken to indicate that a character is being tipped over the edge. All the while the musical soundtrack butts in with all the producers favorite songs to cry or feel whimsical to.

Which brings me to one of my two main criticisms of this movie. It's never, ever even remotely subtle. For a movie that dishes out enough pretentious quotes to crash tumblr it certainly expresses no faith in its audiences ability to pick up on things. "Oh I didn't tell you this before but those two have a history of fighting over guys." "Oh by the way I lost my virginity at 11 to my dads work colleague and I've fucked a lot of people since then." "Oh I love you. Let's kiss and then ignore our feelings for the rest of the movie like idiots." Fucking chill out movie. And this brings me onto my other criticism which is that all the meaty issues within the movie are often only touched upon. Heaven forbid you take some time away from celebrating how cool it is to be a hipster and actually develop your key plot points and relationships. For example towards the end of the movie there's a scene Charlie shares with his English teacher that I realized I was supposed to care deeply about but just didn't because this apparently deep and respectful relationship was largely developed off-screen. I even know from the moment that fucking English teacher was introduced that he was going to be an inspirational friend and father figure and I still managed to be surprised when it actually happened. It's kinda funny how it's always the English teacher that ends up adopting this role isn't it? Nobody ever gets all "Dead Poets Society" for their woodwork teacher do they? But I guess in this plot it makes sense because Charlie wants to be a writer. Oh did I not mention that? Well that's because I fucking forgot. Want to take a guess why I forgot? Because it's barely ever mentioned.

What might surprise you deeply at this point is that I actually don't hate The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I kinda thought it was fine and probably would have gone a little easier on it if it wasn't so bloody impressed with itself. At it's core The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a good movie that deserved to be better but was let down by the mishandling of important plot points and the appeals it makes to the egos of its target audience. For a movie that says "You see things.You keep quiet about them. And you understand." it sure tries its hardest to make sure you understand things by shouting them at you.

Review: To The Moon

For anybody out there who has ever held a deep longing to see me in tears I have some frustrating news. I'm afraid that in the early hours past midnight you just missed a golden opportunity to peer in through my window and see the swollen man-tears that cascaded down the contours of my face, illuminated by the gentle blue glow of my computer monitor, as I played the hauntingly beautiful To The Moon.

If you take anything away from this review, or even this whole blog, it should be this. Go out and play To The Moon! I cannot emphasize the value of this experience enough. It's only $10 on Steam. If you can't buy it for whatever reason find a YouTube video of someone playing through it and watch the whole thing. It's only about 3-4 hours long and well worth every second you dedicate to it. Just do whatever it takes to experience this story. Your level of gaming experience is irrelevant. Your feelings about video games as a form of entertainment is irrelevant. This goes beyond such worthless boundaries. Fuck target audiences, the target audience is anyone capable of feeling.

So yeah I like this game. And now that I'm all done with my grand romantic gestures it's time to talk about why I recommend it so highly. I think it's pretty safe to say you'll discover extremely quickly whether or not you'll like To The Moon. The game opens with a delicately beautiful piano piece playing as the camera pans away from the scenery of a cliff-side lighthouse overlooking the ocean with a full, yellow moon hanging overhead; to a scene of two children playing the song in a large house just a short walk away. This tranquil moment is then suddenly ruined by a sudden smashing noise. The camera cuts away to introduce the player characters Dr. Rosaline and Dr. Watts, a bickering odd couple who work for an agency that is hired to help grant the wishes of dying people by making minor alterations to their memory via advanced simulation technology. Or some shit like that. Like an episode of Doctor Who the details only matter if you're ignoring the bigger, more important picture. What's interesting to note is that although you play the game and drive the plot as these characters they are by no means the main characters. It's an interesting and effective story telling device in a game to be essentially playing the role that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern play in Shakespeare's Hamlet. The real stars of the show are Johnny, the man who hired the agency to have his wish fulfilled of visiting the moon (although he can't explain why), and River, Johnny's recently deceased wife who's life is explored through Johnny's memories.

The soundtrack is also supreme and plays a vital role in the narrative

Actually it's worth mentioning at this point that much of the games story is told by traversing back through Johnny's memories of key moments in his life as the player characters try to figure out how best to alter Johnny's memories in order for him to die thinking he's lived out his dream. It sounds very complicated when explained like this but rest assured the game is gentle in taking players by the hand and guiding them along this journey. The game presents many intriguing mysteries quite early on in the plot. Many things are introduced that you know are eerily significant puzzle pieces and it is a pleasure to gradually watch them come together and be explained. Little throw away things from early in the game will take on a whole new level of significance by the games end, and it's these moments in particular that choked me up. The story is expertly told and none of the elements feel overdone or heavy handed. The dialogue moves from reflective, moving and mournful to genuinely charming and funny to strike this excellent balance in tone throughout the story. Nothing is ever jarring or sudden and writer/director Kan Gao should be applauded for taking the time to carefully develop his characters and narrative in ways that are natural, subtle and respectful. So much of this could have been easily mishandled, pushing the tone into melodrama territory as we so often see in video game narration. But by the standards of any media format this story is superbly told and well worth anybody's time.

In fact it's ironic that it will perhaps be video game players who may find the game most lacking. This is because the gameplay is almost none-existent to the point in which the game basically plays itself. A simple point and click interface is used for controlling your characters and navigating them around what is essentially one big, easy treasure hunt. There's probably a fairly strong argument that could be made that this barely qualifies as a game at all and is instead more of an interactive story. But honestly who gives a fuck what it is? From the outset I was so captivated and emotionally invested in the story I barely noticed the gameplay was so scant, and then when I did I didn't care. I'm actually inclined to applaud the gameplay for being so simple and allowing anyone capable of navigating a DVD menu the opportunity to fully engage with what To The Moon offers. I honestly love video games as a medium for both entertainment and expression but when something like this offers up 3-4 hours of genuine human moments then as long as the gameplay isn't broken or detractive I don't give a shit how I move the story along. I'd burn myself to move a story like this along.

So as I've by now made perfectly clear, To The Moon is a brilliant experience for anyone regardless of how you choose to specifically classify it. It's cheap, it's a relatively short investment and it's easy for anyone to experience to completion. If there exists any such creature parading under the guise of a human being who isn't even slightly moved by the experience offered here then I honestly pity them and would rather they were sent somewhere far away from me. Preferably the moon.

Why Can't I Read Anymore?

Fun fact: When you read the Holy Bible upside down it reveals conspiracy theories about The Beatles.

Many people who haven't known me long are often surprised to learn that before I was a chemistry nerd I was also an arts and literature nerd. Throughout high school I read a variety of books, I wrote song lyrics, short stories and poetry. I did quite a lot of drama and did 4 units of English for the HSC, which included the composition of a sizable major work. 

I think this surprises people because for whatever reason, especially at university level, people align themselves with the major faculties and tend to ignorantly lash out at the others. My biggest guess is that these people have commited to a career associated with this field and are determined to justify this choice by ruthlessly attacking and disregarding the specialties and fields that differ most from their own. I've personally been the victim of sneers from arts students of a university I don't even attend, who were quick to judge my character based on my "inferior university".  I'm personally guilty of cheekily winding up some of my closest arts friends, but I do so only in jest with no malice or ill will behind it. But all of that aside I was once very heavily aligned with the arts and humanities. I was once hoping to become a librarian and was enrolled briefly in a Bachelor of Communications. Looking back on this recently something has struck me about my more recent years and I find myself asking myself one simple question.

 

Now just to clear this point up right away, of course I can actually read. I posses the necessary mental faculties and skills to read books, even more challenging ones. But over that past few years or so I've found that reading a book takes a considerably longer amount of time. I'll often start a book enthusiastically like a puppy who knows it's time for walkies, but it's not uncommon for me to clean up a desk several months later to find a dusty copy of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein with a bookmark a third of the way through. I was fucking enjoying that book too. To this day I want to finish it and have every intention of picking it back up again, but why did I stop? Not only to I find even the most engaging books "putdownable" but I also manage to spend weeks on end wrapped up in enough other things to make me forget I was reading it.

In an attempt to explain this and shift the blame from myself I've come up with some explanations to my behaviour. Firstly and most simply understood, I blame the internet. Of course I've had access to the internet all the time but as soon as connections become fast and accessible enough for chumps like me to use social networking sites and stream television a non-trivial ammount of time has become dedicated to being online. Not only that, but it has meant that I am used to instant gratification. There's never a moment gone by where I feel like I'm completely "on top" of the vast amount of potentially, personally interesting media that I can readily access at any time I see fit. It used to be that we had to fit ourselves into the schedule of entertainment such as tv and when we were free if nothing was on we could easily turn to reading, because reading was one of the first sources of "instant gratification'. Before the internet nothing could really compete with it.

Maybe if more women wanted me to read I'd be more consistent?

The other problem is perhaps even less conquorable and that is this. I'm going to die. I don't know when and I don't know how it will come to happen but there's no escaping the knowledge that my time on this earth is finite. As a consequence of this I am accutely aware that I will not be able to enjoy all the media out there, or even all the entertainment that would likely appeal to me. My leisure time is as limited a resource as fossil fuels and the knowledge that each choice I make regarding how I spend my free time may mean I never ever get around to the other option makes it very appealing to avoid making the choices at all. And books fall short in this respect because they have the disadvantage of being long. Books are a long term investment in a way that a movie, a song, a TV show and even a video game manage not to be. A book is a large scented candle whilst other media are fireworks. One pleasantly burns away over many hours whilst the other is desperate to instantly stimulate.

But despite this knowledge and these hurdles I've been starting to rework my reading muscles and have managed to get through sizable books like Steve Tolt's A Fraction of the Whole. As I type I am 160 pages into The Count of Monte Cristo and have strength in my conviction to see it through to the end. With a small pile of books to follow it up with I'm quietly hopeful that I will manage to burn through many more candles before I'm snuffed.

Highschool of the Dead - An Anime Review

Believe it or not, I actually know quite a lot of people who are completely unwilling to engage in anything remotely Japanese. Living with Joey I hear the phrase "sus Asian shit" more often than I hear the phrase "Supernatural is that rare kind of show that actually does horror and comedy well" (a lot). Which, by the way, it fucking isn't. In the past the whole "what the fuck Japan?" thing was something I didn't completely understand or buy into. Sure Japan had its quirky moments, but I didn't think these were ever deal breakers. But several years and several dozen anime series later I finally understand. There is definately a sliding scale of Japaneseness to any Japanese media or entertainment and for any individual Westerner there is definately a point of said scale where you've gotta throw your hands up in the air and scream "that's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!"

Every anime, even the ones I loved too much to notice it in, has something very Japanese in it that risks alienating a portion of the Western market. Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex had the sqeaky, child-voiced robots. Death Note had that annoying goth chick.  Bayonetta had...well...Bayonetta.And Highschool of the Dead had massive quantities of, well, titties.

Fun fact: It took 7 animators 7 days just to draw those.

Yes, lots and lots a big ol' titties. Giant, jiggling, trembling masses of mammary. Even all the normal highschool girls are boasting double D's, so they really had to go the extra mile when it came time to design the typical "ditsy blonde girl with massive bouncing breasts". I mean just look at the picture above. That one looks like it's devouring the pink haired girl. Oh and there's also lots of panties, arses, crotch shots and even a few cheeky nipples thrown in there.

Because we all know what goes on when girls bathe together.

But overt and gratuitious sexualisations aside, Highschool of the Dead is a pretty good anime. There's plenty of tension, high emotion and frantic action in this zombie anime, which is really all you could hope for in a slice of zombie entertainment. And at times, although only in the minority of instances, the sexualisations and over the top action work together brilliantly to create a climatic "holy fuck" moment, much in the same way as Bayonetta.

Story is kept pretty brief and basic. One day at school a zombie outbreak starts and as the students escape they discover that the event is much more widespread and disasterous than they had initially thought. From there a few students form a group and make it their mission to seek out remaining family members. There are also a few romantic subplots and love triangles thrown into the mix to create human dramas. Overall it's effective, consistant and works to create good survival drama, horror and action.

The big problem for me is the ending. It doesn't have one. It just decides to stop one random episode without addressing or tying up any of the story threads that have been dangling throughout the series. Dramas, tensions and romances just build and build and build but nothing ever comes of it, leaving you down a few hours with blue balls the size of the blonde girls' knockers. What is the point in creating all these engaging characters and developing them well and cooking up some nice juicy romances if you're never going to serve it on a plate with a nice garnish and an appropriate wine? Being tantalized by heady aromas is only enjoyable if you eventually get to eat what you're smelling, otherwise it's just torture.

I do know that this, like pretty much all anime, is based off a manga. Which might mean that more episodes could happen, although this series is a few years old now so who knows? But setting that massive con aside Highschool of the Dead is definately worth a look-in, even if you aren't normally big into anime. I mean if people can check out Firefly knowing full well it's been cancelled forever then why can't they check out this?

PC Box Fodder - A Few of the Shittest Pokemon Across the Generations

Pokemon Black 2 and White 2 have hit the stores this month and to celebrate their availability I'd like to personally shit on all the pokemon I don't like. The list is by no means comprehensive but I feel like I've covered many of my major gripes across the wide spectrum and many of the other pokemon I hate basically for reasons already covered here. But enough of these boring qualifying statements, it's time to get ranty.

Castform

Phoar! Check out the puppies on that pokemon. I mean in all honesty why does this pokemon have a pair of giant breasts? Oh yeah right, Japan, forgot about that. Don't get me wrong, normally I could get down with a buxom pokemon but the fact remains that castform is shit in battle. It has one of these quirky abilities to change it's elemental type based on the weather conditions during battle, which in a practical sense means this pokemon is unpredictable and thus unreliable. So, ya know, thanks for the tits and all but I'm gonna shove my castform straight in Bebe's box. And that's not a euphamism.

Pretty sure Castform could use the support of a bra.

Tentacool

You know, Zubat really does get a lot of schtick for being an annoying, pest-like pokemon, and rightly so. But far more annoying than Zubat, at least I find, is that fucking ocean cockroach known as Tentacool. Yeah cool! Tentacool. What a cool pun. Tentacool. Cool. TentaCOOL.

What a fucking disaster.

Cool story bro

I mean I guess I could handle that godawful name if I didn't have it shoved in my face every 5 seconds whilst I'm just trying to cross the fucking lake. As well as that they always seem to be rediculously underleveled for how far along they appear in any of the games, so they're not even good for experience slaughter. And then they poison while you're just trying to get to a proper trainer battle. What a Tentafool.


Farfetch'd

Here's another generation one masterpiece. A lot of misty-eyed, 20-something fuckwits argue that generation one is the golden era for pokemon; containing all the most majestic, powerful and well designed pokemon ever seen. But it's worth remembering that for every Blastoise or Dragonite there was a Ratata or a Grimer. I mean just look at this fucking duck holding a vegetable it will be served alongside in a soup and tell me it's part of the pokemon master race.

A leak and a monobrow? Shit! You'd better lock up your daughters.

Again, it's weak as shit and can't even evolve, so it never achieves greatness in and sense. At least they're not pests in major, unavoidable areas like Zubat or Tentacool.

Pidove

This fellow is probably one of the first pokemon you'll bump into in Pokemon Back 2 or White 2 and to be fair it evolves into a decent pokemon. I don't even mind how it looks, in its first form anyway. Hell, if I had it my way I'd just whack this guy in Generation one and pretend Pidgey never happened. But seriously Gamefreak, we're all good for normal/flying types thanks.

"Hi guys, I'll be your 3 formed, normal/flying type this generation. I'm cute at first but then I evolve into Tranquil."

Ditto

Ditto is useful, but fucked up. In the very first games he was the "quirky changing one" (like Castform). But unlike Castform, Ditto became useful for breeding after generation 2. It's useful because it's ability to tranform meant it could breed with any pokemon of any gender. So it's useful and never leaves the daycare, but it's essentially the biggest slut in any work of fiction ever. Castform may have breasts but Ditto has the tits, arse, cock and cunt of any and all living creatures and will happily provide them on demand for anyone who gives it the time of day. You know how humanity contracted HIV and consequently AIDS from gorillas? Well I like to think that in the world of Pokemon Ditto is the only living creature with every STI to ever have existed.

"I can be anything you desire baby."

Luvdisc

A stupidly weak water-type pokemon that looks like a loveheart with a stupid smoochy face. Also they spelt "love" wrong in its name and it's not disc shaped. 

It's eaither a heart or a big, pink pair of buttcheeks with the arsehole poking out the wrong side.

Alomomola

Another name gripe. The "fun" thing about Alomomola is it's a palindrome, so it's spelt the same backwards as forwards. So whoopie to that shit. The other thing that pisses me off is that it looks like it should be the evolved form of Luvdisc. It looks similar and it's pokedex entry calls it an "emotion" pokemon like Luvdisc. But no, instead of improving Luvdisc they just chuck a shit word game in there.

The really fun thing about Alomomola is that its name sounds like a naughty body part.

Gothita

Gothita is actually a pretty good psychic-type pokemon and I have used one happily in my main party. But my god, what the fuck have they done to it? It looks like an underage, Bratz doll sex slave. I really shouldn't be able to see the pronounced arse of an infant pokemon. Ditto might be into that shit but I most certainly am not.

"Oh no everyone can see my bum."

Trubbish

This pokemon is a bag of garbage with a grumpy face drawn on. They must've been really keen to get home the evening this pokemon was conceptualised.

It's a fucking bag of garbage. 'Nuff said.

Tokyo Jungle - a PS3 Review

Don't let these cute creatures fool you. I'd seen these tiny puffballs take down a cow and strip it the the bones. Okay so it was just in a videogame, but I'll be damned if the images aren't seared permanently into my brain.

Tokyo Jungle is a PSN exclusive game that lets you play as a variety of domestic and exotic animals struggling to survive in Tokyo after mankind has vanished. What happened to humanity is left largely a mystery, although collectible newspaper articles and weblogs hint at what might of happened. Personally I'm happy not knowing, I find the mystery much more eerie. Besides it ultimately doesn't matter. We lost, we're gone, our pets are in charge now and we need to accept it.

At its core, Tokyo Jungle is a simple and repetitive arcade-style game. As a word 'repetitive' gets a pretty bad wrap in the world of gaming, but in the case of Tokyo Jungle it's that sort of addictive repetition that a well-designed mobile phone game might have. I mean sure I played through this level 20 times before, but this time I can play as a beagle wearing headphones. You start the game with only two animals to choose from but each of those can unlock another when certain conditions are met, with the added possibility of finding clothing and accessories for your animal. I don't know about you but I'm willing to put in a metric fucktonne of hours just to see how pervy these outfit and animal combinations can get. There are two main modes to play; survival and the story chapters (which must be unlocked in survival). The story chapters offer a few scenarios to play out as a seletion of animals, each with a certain amount of humour, charm and characterisation built into it. Most of the lasting appeal is found in survival mode, where you must eat, fight and fuck in order to keep your species in the gene pool. It's quite simple yet has enough depth to it to remain engaged. You have a hunger bar that keeps decreasing, so obviously you've got to make sure you're constantly fed. But you can't live forever, so you need to reproduce to keep the game going. But what of the females? Well they don't even present themselves until you've marked your territory in several key locations in the area. Then there's choosing. Do you want a guarenteed fuck or would you rather hold out for the finest pussy that the feline kingdom has to offer? The better the mate the better the stats of your offspring, who you will go on to play as. But in order to bury your bone in the alpha bitch you've got to become alpha yourself, by securing large quantities of food. And oh fuck is that smog? Better get the fuck out of this district before I assimilate a lethal dose into my system. All the while the clock is ticking by, keeping track of how many years you've managed to not be an evolutionary dead end. When you finally die, and you will die, the game tallies up your achievements and time spent on this earth and gives you a nice fat score that you can stick up on a leaderboard and say to yourself "boy, I'm so much shitter at this game than everyone else".

The game also has a multiplayer option, which I've been enjoying with my housemate and podcast collegue Joey. Doing so allows you to form a pack and what's interesting is that you don't have to be of the same species. You can literally be playing on the same team as an animal you'd normally consider as food. Would you like to see a velociraptor work collaboratively with a rabbit? Well lucky for you because this is possible in Tokyo Jungle.

Of course, the game isn't without its flaws. Many of the aforementioned animals take many hours and playthroughs to unlock and you're forced to play as a lot of shit creatures before you finally earn the right to play as a tiger or a chimp. There's a definite sense of reward to be found here and it's nice to experience everything but on the other hand it's likely to be very offputting to newcomers to be landed with only the pomeranian and the deer to play as without a fucking clue how to unlock any of the other 80 or so animals. Also, it pisses me off to no end to see that there are a few awesome animals that are left out of the game unless you pay for them with real money. If you were hoping to just buy the game and have instant access to the panda or the kangaroo them I'm affraid you get to eat more shit than a starving terrier, cos that's gonna cost you extra.

But minor gripes aside there's a lot of fun to be had here. It's a lot of simple, well thought out retro gaming in a unique, intense and rewarding package. For just under $16 Australian you'll laugh, scream, clench your teeth, tense your buttocks and yell at your friend to stop eating the rabbits you killed. All in all, sounds like good value to me.

Of Closing Doors and Opening Windows

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that "mild" is about as enthusiastic as I get in regards to celebrations. I rarely "woo" and can only be coaxed into following up with a "hoo" whilst heavily medicated. A very close friend recently called me a reserved person, which I felt was wildly inaccurate but didn't dare say it aloud. So in light of this; knowing me, knowing you, uhuuuuuh; I'd like to say a big congratulatiuons to me for finishing a Bachelor of Science with a Chemistry Major!

Are you using my helium to make your voice like that?

Anyway enough of that, wouldn't want to lose my composure. So that's all the personal life big news out of the way, so now is time for news on my projects. As you can see Infinite Possiblogities has come out of hibernation once again and I have enough steam left to sustain me for at least a few more posts, which I'm sure is massively important to some freak out there (I love you really). Some of you may know me best as the second half of the comedic Still Not Happy duo, which has branched out drastically from the podcasts and now includes a radio show which is broadcast on Sundays from 6 to 8 pm on Tune! FM 106.9. So just in case you're some sort of Mars dwelling gorilla and didn't know of these outrageously popular developements you can now consider yourself part of the cutting-edge. So radio, podcasts and blogs are all going to be happening from here on out and will no doubt make a lovely change for me next year from crying in the corner of a chemistry lab somewhere wishing I'd never chosen to do honours. So watch this space for much funnier material coming very soon.

Titwank.

See, it's funnier already.