Like my post on Harry Potter all those many months ago I thought I'd look into the Pokemon universe and talk about some of the things that have confused or bothered me over the years. Believe me, having played all the main games quite thoroughly I think I'm well qualified to make some of these points. So here we go...
How the Fuck do Pokeballs Work?
As far as I can tell when a pokemon is sent inside a pokeball the pokemon is destroyed, sucked atom by atom into the ball for storage so that they can hang off the trainers belt until they're needed. This really poses a lot of questions for me. For example, what do the pokemon do whilst inside the pokeballs? Are they happy in there? Are they conscious? Can they die in there? Do they need sustinence in this state? I mean imagine if you left a tentacool in there a few days and just when you decided to send it out into battle it comes out as a dried up blob of crap. Can that happen? And if it can and you sent a dead pokemon out in a battle would that count as a victory to your opponent?
Furthermore, How do Pokemon Get Stored on a PC?
Yeah riddle me that one? This is really more of the same question as the Pokeball one. But really? What's going on here? So your pokemon is in a ball and then the ball and its contents are somehow destroyed and rebuilt in binary? It kind of makes me wonder how many lab ratatas had to die before they perfected this technology.
Do People Ever Eat Pokemon?
This is a topic that the show often managed to skillfully avoid. Do people consume pokemon as food? People need to eat as do all living things, so it seems likely that they would. But the show and the games spend so much time promoting the special bond that exists between pokemon and humans that the thought of munching down a seaking fillet seems almost sick. I guess there exists the possibility that the world of pokemon is much more enlightened than ours and they are all able to live happily on a vegetarian diet. But I could swear I've seen the characters eat things that look meat based in the show. But there is another possibility I suppose and that's that other than pokemon there are regular, non-pokemon animals that exist in that world too. But then again you never actually see them, what are they doing when they're not being food? Which kinda brings me to my next point.
What Exactly is a Pokemon?Pokemon basically seem to be the animals in the pokemon world. The main difference seems to be that pokemon can be easily stored. So if all the animals in the world of pokemon ARE pokemon that really poses the question, are human beings pokemon? If you throw a pokeball at a person that is sufficiently weakened is it possible to capture them? It kind of has disturbing implications in regards to human trafficing, kidnapping and sex offences when you think about it? Images of seedy men in large coats selling pokeballs in an alleyway behind the pokemart come to mind. I mean it makes sense for humans to be pokemon as well doesn't it? Surely we can't expect to believe that humans are the only animals in that universe that aren't pokemon? And if we aren't pokemon then what makes a pokemon a pokemon? Gosh it turns out that once you start asking questions about pokemon the whole damn fictional universe unravels before your eyes. Anyway, back to Heart Gold version I go.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Dear Infinite Possiblogities,
hurry the fuck up and write something decent before I am driven to hunt down your address and chew through your spine whilst you sleep.
Love always,
Adoring Fan
P.S. Your songs are shit and don't count
This is the kind of letter I'd deserve to get had I actually earned any fans. So anyway I've decided to cease and decist all of my procrastinating and get back to my blog (because lord knows I've missed the old gal). Now I'm sure there are a good number of you out there who are familiar with Sailor Moon, whether it be because you saw the anime on Cheez TV or because you stumbled upon pictures of her and her friends engaging in threesomes with the cast of Dragon Ball Z. But how many of you were aware that they made a live action Sailor Moon series in Japan called Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon? Yeah, yeah I know YOU did, put your hand down (you know who you are). Anyway well there is such a thing and I watched it all and I've deemed it blog worthy. So strap yourselves in, for I am going to review and discuss the many ups and downs that is Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon.
Now lets get one little thing out of the way first. Do you like Japanese entertainment and culture? If you answered "no" or some explicit variant on that theme then PGSM is simply not for you. Don't look into it, don't give it a try, just walk away and be thankful that Infinite Possiblogities was here to save you from wasting your precious, precious time. I say this because, quite frankly, if you can't stand bubbly Japanese school girls singing J-Pop karaoke then you will struggle to make your way through a single episode of PGSM without destroying something or commiting some horrible crime. Having said that I must admit to being something of a closet PGSM fan. This is something I could never admit to a good number of my friends because, to be perfectly honest, I deserve to be ridiculed. I certainly enjoyed it more than I ever did the over-played anime series. Anyway, I'm sure some of you may be wondering what in the fuck PGSM is all about, so let's move on to that.
PGSM is the story of 5 teenage girls who have no reservations about getting dressed in public having dormant powers awoken in them by talking cat toys so that they can fight evil shit. Turns out they're not always very good at fighting and so they often get helped out by the love interest known as Tuxedo Mask whose disguise consists of wearing a tuxedo and a mask. Just to give a brief overview of all the costumes the Sailor Scouts all dress like they're going to a costume party to lure out sex offenders in an undercover police sting operation and everone/everything else looks like a Queer-Eyed Power Rangers cast. But I actually liked how the show looked. It's colourful and vibrant and except for the occassional dodgy CGI effect it looks pretty believable.
But enough about the aesthetics. As well as being about hot chicks killing shit there is quite an extensive story of forbidden love, tradgedy and the search for identity woven in with the rather camp beat 'em up. The story itself is fairly straightforward in esscence however it is on many occassions made unneccessarily complicated by weird pacing. There are some points where the story moves painfully slowly to reach conclusions that are immediately obvious to the audience assuming they aren't brain damaged and then there are times where the plot twists and turns at a bewildering pace. Oh and I hope you like flashbacks, because PGSM has flashbacks in spades. There is this one kinda cute scene where Usagi offers her love interest some pastry thing that you will get very sick of seeing. Seriously, they must flashback to that moment about 12 times throughout the series. We're not goldfish guys, we can remember that these guys are into each other. Having said that, the story is still quite easy to follow, with maybe the exception of the ending. The ending isn't exactly confusing per se, but it has that "what the fuck was all that about?" quality that seems to plague the endings of so many animes (what happened when Mr. Serano opened the car door at the end of GitS: Stand Alone Complex? How come Section 9 allowed Kuze to get killed at the end of 2nd Gig? What the fuck was the ending of Neon Genesis Evangelion all about!?!). I mean I get it's supposed to be symbollic and lightly philosophical but does that really mean we have to be confused too? Oh and one more thing *SPOILER ALERT* Since when did it become stock standard for anime series to end with the destruction and rebuilding of the world and/or the self? I mean I know it can be an interesting way to end a series but it can be a little anticlimactic at times. *SPOILERS OVER*
Actually speaking of anime stereotypes PGSM does play out much like an anime would and conforms to a lot of the perplexing things that animes never really explain. How come Japanese people are so accepting of the fact that monsters have just started popping up? How come nobody can recognise people who are dressed in costumes that actually reveal more of their body than regular clothes? How come Japan can't last a full series without shoehorning in some annoying, kookie child (I mean they made her out of a cat...what IS that!?!)? How come the transformation of only girl who clearly hasn't hit puberty is the most overtly sexual? How come everybody is always singing the same J-Pop song all the freaking time until you just wanna tear out your eyeballs and stuff them into your ears? HOW COME SAILOR MARS, MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER, DIDN'T EVEN TRANSFORM IN THE SPECIAL, MOVIE LENGTH EPISODE!?!
hurry the fuck up and write something decent before I am driven to hunt down your address and chew through your spine whilst you sleep.
Love always,
Adoring Fan
P.S. Your songs are shit and don't count
This is the kind of letter I'd deserve to get had I actually earned any fans. So anyway I've decided to cease and decist all of my procrastinating and get back to my blog (because lord knows I've missed the old gal). Now I'm sure there are a good number of you out there who are familiar with Sailor Moon, whether it be because you saw the anime on Cheez TV or because you stumbled upon pictures of her and her friends engaging in threesomes with the cast of Dragon Ball Z. But how many of you were aware that they made a live action Sailor Moon series in Japan called Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon? Yeah, yeah I know YOU did, put your hand down (you know who you are). Anyway well there is such a thing and I watched it all and I've deemed it blog worthy. So strap yourselves in, for I am going to review and discuss the many ups and downs that is Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon.
Now lets get one little thing out of the way first. Do you like Japanese entertainment and culture? If you answered "no" or some explicit variant on that theme then PGSM is simply not for you. Don't look into it, don't give it a try, just walk away and be thankful that Infinite Possiblogities was here to save you from wasting your precious, precious time. I say this because, quite frankly, if you can't stand bubbly Japanese school girls singing J-Pop karaoke then you will struggle to make your way through a single episode of PGSM without destroying something or commiting some horrible crime. Having said that I must admit to being something of a closet PGSM fan. This is something I could never admit to a good number of my friends because, to be perfectly honest, I deserve to be ridiculed. I certainly enjoyed it more than I ever did the over-played anime series. Anyway, I'm sure some of you may be wondering what in the fuck PGSM is all about, so let's move on to that.
PGSM is the story of 5 teenage girls who have no reservations about getting dressed in public having dormant powers awoken in them by talking cat toys so that they can fight evil shit. Turns out they're not always very good at fighting and so they often get helped out by the love interest known as Tuxedo Mask whose disguise consists of wearing a tuxedo and a mask. Just to give a brief overview of all the costumes the Sailor Scouts all dress like they're going to a costume party to lure out sex offenders in an undercover police sting operation and everone/everything else looks like a Queer-Eyed Power Rangers cast. But I actually liked how the show looked. It's colourful and vibrant and except for the occassional dodgy CGI effect it looks pretty believable.
But enough about the aesthetics. As well as being about hot chicks killing shit there is quite an extensive story of forbidden love, tradgedy and the search for identity woven in with the rather camp beat 'em up. The story itself is fairly straightforward in esscence however it is on many occassions made unneccessarily complicated by weird pacing. There are some points where the story moves painfully slowly to reach conclusions that are immediately obvious to the audience assuming they aren't brain damaged and then there are times where the plot twists and turns at a bewildering pace. Oh and I hope you like flashbacks, because PGSM has flashbacks in spades. There is this one kinda cute scene where Usagi offers her love interest some pastry thing that you will get very sick of seeing. Seriously, they must flashback to that moment about 12 times throughout the series. We're not goldfish guys, we can remember that these guys are into each other. Having said that, the story is still quite easy to follow, with maybe the exception of the ending. The ending isn't exactly confusing per se, but it has that "what the fuck was all that about?" quality that seems to plague the endings of so many animes (what happened when Mr. Serano opened the car door at the end of GitS: Stand Alone Complex? How come Section 9 allowed Kuze to get killed at the end of 2nd Gig? What the fuck was the ending of Neon Genesis Evangelion all about!?!). I mean I get it's supposed to be symbollic and lightly philosophical but does that really mean we have to be confused too? Oh and one more thing *SPOILER ALERT* Since when did it become stock standard for anime series to end with the destruction and rebuilding of the world and/or the self? I mean I know it can be an interesting way to end a series but it can be a little anticlimactic at times. *SPOILERS OVER*
Actually speaking of anime stereotypes PGSM does play out much like an anime would and conforms to a lot of the perplexing things that animes never really explain. How come Japanese people are so accepting of the fact that monsters have just started popping up? How come nobody can recognise people who are dressed in costumes that actually reveal more of their body than regular clothes? How come Japan can't last a full series without shoehorning in some annoying, kookie child (I mean they made her out of a cat...what IS that!?!)? How come the transformation of only girl who clearly hasn't hit puberty is the most overtly sexual? How come everybody is always singing the same J-Pop song all the freaking time until you just wanna tear out your eyeballs and stuff them into your ears? HOW COME SAILOR MARS, MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER, DIDN'T EVEN TRANSFORM IN THE SPECIAL, MOVIE LENGTH EPISODE!?!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sweat!
Just to tide you over while you wait for my next "real" post to come along I thought I'd share another song from my semi-talented past. Part of it was written by my brother too, although I don't really recall which parts (let's just say it's the parts you don't like). Anyway, this song has a few different levels of complexity to it lyrically. On the surface it's about self-gratification and loneliness; but it's also about searching for meaning and failing to find satisfaction in the physical world. Yeah, I know, wank wank wank, here's Sweat!
We struggle with the spiritual
Sweat!
When all your emotions rot and fade away
When all your emotions rot and fade away
Silence is waiting
but will you still be here to bleed for the next day?
but will you still be here to bleed for the next day?
Consistency ended when existence began
We’re downtrodden, outdone
We’re downtrodden, outdone
We try to be philosophical but we’re too fucking dumb
It’s the same today
Masturbate around the other way
It’s the same today
Masturbate around the other way
Sweat!
Sweat!
It itches so bad you scratch and tear at your skin
Silence, hating
And waiting forever for this to begin
We pick and overanalyse but miss the point
Downtrodden, outdone
We try to be deep and meaningful but we’re too fucking dumb
It’s the same today
Masturbate around the other way
It’s the same today
Masturbate around the other way
And it’s the same old rain
And it’s the same old rain
Washing down and around into the drain
Distract yourself
Pretend you aren’t all alone and in pain
Sweat!
We struggle with the spiritual
And blame it on the physical
Distill it ‘til it’s simple
Ashamed to be human
When all we need is our hands
To slip away into nirvana
But I’d give it all away
I’d give it all up
To share it all with you
For you to feel the touch as well
Sweat for me my dear
sweat for me my sweetness
sweat for me my sweetness
Sweat for me my love
Sweat for me my fallen angel
Monday, April 12, 2010
Pirates II - Stagnetti's Revenge
So what's the story? Well our old friend Captain Edward Reynolds is back and is seen dictating his heroic deeds from the last film whilst posing in the mirror like the insecure, dimwit we know he is. Actually if I had to describe this character to someone I'd say he's just a pirate version of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama, he even does the same self-gratifying "captain's logs" that Zapp does. Anyway it's at this early point in the film that they set up one of several running gags in the film, in which everybody gives credit for the victory at the last movies conclusion to the gunner of the ship, rather than Reynolds himself. Other gags include the never-acted-upon sexual tension between Reynolds and Jules, his commanding officer and childhood best friend. Meanwhile there are these new Chinese pirates who are doing a bunch of supernatural stuff to bring the infamous Victor Stagnetti back to life. Yeah so it seems that Pirates II has a much more oriental bent than its predecessor with no less than two asian characters engaging in the rompy pompy, which is quite nice as a change. So yeah the story is just as silly and goofy as before, which is kinda how we wanted it to be right?
Something of a change in the sequal is the amount of action scenes. Pirates II has a noticably larger number of action scenes than it's predecessor, as long as you don't count sex as action of course. I actually appreciated this and I guess it's what comes from having a budget eight times the size of the original. So yeah, all the high production values are still there and the whole pirate theme is still done really well and from the way the story in this one concludes I'd say that Pirates is likely to become a trilogy. But here's my gripe with this movie. You see the thing about the original movie was that it broke new grounds, it was a landmark in pornographic filmaking philosophies. Sure it was goofy and made light of itself but in all seriousness it was a very important moment in the history of film and the sex industry. So where the first movie represented growth the second movie, with a strong hint of a third, represents stagnation. I said in my original Pirates review that I couldn't wait to see where they went next and all they're really doing is going in circles here. I'd personally like to see the gap between porn and mainstream film narrow and blur a little more. I'd like other themes explored. I'd even like to see them make a porn film with a big budget and longer narrative that isn't fun or cheesy, but romantic or beautiful. Perhaps I'm simply demanding too much at this stage but surely I can't be the only one who sees porn as a relatively unexplored artistic medium for human expression...can I?
P.S. I'm also a little peeved that Sasha Grey didn't get more err....ahem..."screen time." But that's just because she's pretty much my favourite porn star so I wouldn't let it worry you. Yeah that's right I have a favourite porn actress. Judge me.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Pirates XXX
Pirates is something of a landmark film in the world of pornography. Made back in 2005 it gained a reputation for it's exuberant story, comparitively large budget and it's use of special effects. It's a sign of the times really, porn has become mainstream and pornstars are becomming household names. That said, some of the biggest names in porn appear in Pirates. So I thought that given I'm prone to pornographic blogging at times and that Pirates is something of a rite of passage for bloggers I thought I'd get myself organised and give it a review.
So I'll bet you're wondering about the story am I right? Well the story, like all atempts at pornographic stories, is silly. But it's actually a lot of fun. It's more like a spoof or parody than the usual porn stories which are really a little more like playing out scenarios involving pool cleaners and bored housewives. Pirates is about (drumroll please) pirates. But to be a bit more accurate the movie centers on Captain Edward Reynolds, a so-far unsuccessful, nieve and unaware pirate hunter who has taken it upon himself to take down the infamously ruthless pirate Stagnetti. Meanwhile Stagnetti is doing some mean shit to a bunch of folk because he's trying to get some thing that'll make him even more powerful. Caught up in the middle of the fray are a newlywed couple who, just after consumating their marriage, are torn apart by Stagnetti. Basically it's and even more tenuous and sketchy plot than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies which they are obviously taking the piss out of. But that doesn't matter for 2 reasons. One, it's a whole lot of fun. Two, it allows for a variety of sexual encounters between various characters. Speaking of sex, the movie goes for around 2 hours and probably contains around 40-50 mins of actual sex. The rest is dialogue and exposition. So even though it's fun it does kinda drag on a bit. I suggest you intervene with some coffee and snack breaks if you intend of watching it in one sitting.
Story aside, the actual pirate concept is really quite solid. Costumes look great as do the set pieces and the makeup. The special effects mostly look pretty good but do at times look dodgy, especially shots of the sailing ship. I also like how they replace the usual sleazy, jazzy, weirdo-guitar-effecty porn music with more fitting orchestral pieces and the like. You'll really believe that lesbian pirate action is happening in the hull of a creaky wooden ship. Not JUST lesbian action mind you. There's girl on girl, guy on girl, guy on 2 girls and even this elaborate scene in which a guy and a girl are tied to a support in a burning storehouse ant the guy must have sex with another girl for their freedom whilst the other girl waits impatiently. It actually makes me laugh to imagine someone overdubbing that scene with the song 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon, but I digress. Personally I thought this concept was done extraordinarily well and I hope we see more porn done like this. I suppose the next logical step is ninjas right?
Now for my gripe. Because this movie was pretty expensive to make and in a way it's quite niche the DVD is quite expensive to buy. The DVD can be bought in an R-rated and X-rated version, although from a value standpoint I can't see why you'd opt for a censored porn film. As far as the actual porn parts go it's pretty simple stuff too, nothing too elaborate or dirty. Just simple genital fun coupled with some hilarious dialogue and hammy acting. But cost aside (I'm sure many of you will find a way around the cost anyway) I'd recommend watching Pirates to pretty much anyone because it's a hell of a lot of fun and pretty inoffensive as far as porn is concerned. Any movie in which a person says "I'm the greatest pirate hunter in the world" during orgasm is hard for me to pass up.
So I'll bet you're wondering about the story am I right? Well the story, like all atempts at pornographic stories, is silly. But it's actually a lot of fun. It's more like a spoof or parody than the usual porn stories which are really a little more like playing out scenarios involving pool cleaners and bored housewives. Pirates is about (drumroll please) pirates. But to be a bit more accurate the movie centers on Captain Edward Reynolds, a so-far unsuccessful, nieve and unaware pirate hunter who has taken it upon himself to take down the infamously ruthless pirate Stagnetti. Meanwhile Stagnetti is doing some mean shit to a bunch of folk because he's trying to get some thing that'll make him even more powerful. Caught up in the middle of the fray are a newlywed couple who, just after consumating their marriage, are torn apart by Stagnetti. Basically it's and even more tenuous and sketchy plot than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies which they are obviously taking the piss out of. But that doesn't matter for 2 reasons. One, it's a whole lot of fun. Two, it allows for a variety of sexual encounters between various characters. Speaking of sex, the movie goes for around 2 hours and probably contains around 40-50 mins of actual sex. The rest is dialogue and exposition. So even though it's fun it does kinda drag on a bit. I suggest you intervene with some coffee and snack breaks if you intend of watching it in one sitting.
Story aside, the actual pirate concept is really quite solid. Costumes look great as do the set pieces and the makeup. The special effects mostly look pretty good but do at times look dodgy, especially shots of the sailing ship. I also like how they replace the usual sleazy, jazzy, weirdo-guitar-effecty porn music with more fitting orchestral pieces and the like. You'll really believe that lesbian pirate action is happening in the hull of a creaky wooden ship. Not JUST lesbian action mind you. There's girl on girl, guy on girl, guy on 2 girls and even this elaborate scene in which a guy and a girl are tied to a support in a burning storehouse ant the guy must have sex with another girl for their freedom whilst the other girl waits impatiently. It actually makes me laugh to imagine someone overdubbing that scene with the song 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon, but I digress. Personally I thought this concept was done extraordinarily well and I hope we see more porn done like this. I suppose the next logical step is ninjas right?
Now for my gripe. Because this movie was pretty expensive to make and in a way it's quite niche the DVD is quite expensive to buy. The DVD can be bought in an R-rated and X-rated version, although from a value standpoint I can't see why you'd opt for a censored porn film. As far as the actual porn parts go it's pretty simple stuff too, nothing too elaborate or dirty. Just simple genital fun coupled with some hilarious dialogue and hammy acting. But cost aside (I'm sure many of you will find a way around the cost anyway) I'd recommend watching Pirates to pretty much anyone because it's a hell of a lot of fun and pretty inoffensive as far as porn is concerned. Any movie in which a person says "I'm the greatest pirate hunter in the world" during orgasm is hard for me to pass up.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Perfect Dark HD Remake
You know me, I love to holiday at Nostalgia Resort and to me nothing is more nostalgic than playing a classic game from the Nintendo 64 era. Unfortunately all of my N64 controllers suffer from terminal 'Mario Party Syndrome' and the combination of limp, unresponsive analogue sticks and the use of buttons to control aiming makes playing Perfect Dark on the Nintendo 64 a nightmare. Luckily Rare have decided to remake many of their classic N64 titles and release them on the Xbox Live Marketplace. They did Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo-Tooie and now it's Perfect Dark's turn.
So yeah it's boring old game review time. That and it's a game I actually like, so sweet burns are looking highly unlikely at this point. I guess you'll just have to wait until next week when I will hopefully be reviewing some high budget porn (I'm not joking, it's gonna be fun for all). So anyway the thing about Perfect Dark is that it reminds me of what's wrong with modern First Person Shooters. Perfect Dark has lovely environments to explore, varied and interesting missions as well as a large variety of rediculous weapons to kill people with. A modern shooting game has about 5 different weapons that you use to shoot boring characters with from behind cover in a long boring corridor. In Perfect Dark you can sneak up behind a stationary guard , literally pop a cap in his ass and watch them leap comically in surprise like a cartoon character in a mouse trap. In Perfect Dark all the enemies all act like they're auditioning for the part of a murder victim in a highschool production of Agatha Christie. "Why...me?" a dying guard will say with his last breath as he falls to his knees. It's fantastic. A modern FPS sacrifices fun for realism and I really miss it. Perfect Dark is acutely aware of what makes a game fun and has seemily developed the whole game around that knowledge.
Not that Perfect Dark is (dare I say it?) a perfect game. The story IS bad, even if it is easy to skip and it has a fun, campness to it. It's all about secret agencies and government conspiracies that (get THIS) eventually lead the story into outter space with peaceful and hostil alien factions. The worst thing of all is the escort segments of the game. There's nothing more annoying than some fuckwit AI running irratically in circles in front of the enemy until they get shot dead. It's not the worst AI I've ever seen, nor are they the most stressful escort missions. It's not even close to being a deal breaker but they can get annoying at times. But you know what? Fuck it. Perfect Dark is one of the greatest FPS games I've played in years and it's 10 years old. The controls, the graphics, the multiplayer and the framerate have all been vastely improved upon the original, which was in itself a fantastic game. If you've never played it before you should buy it. If you HAVE played it before then you'll probably want to buy it again anyway because of it's slick improvements.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Alice in Wonderland
Before I begin my usual tyraid into what's wrong with the world I thought I'd just clear something up. I've never actually read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland or Through The Looking-Glass and so I'm sorry to all you puritans out there who will no doubt find my review ill informed and intolerable. BUT what I figure is that any decent movie adaptation deserves to be treated as its own work. Actually bad ones do too but that's beside the point.
Anyway so a couple of months back I was shown the trailer to Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie and I got excited. But excitement can be bittersweet mistress, especially when she wants a threesome with her ugly sister disappoinment. And that's exacltly what Alice in Wonderland was, a Ménage à Troi with high expectations and inadequet payoff. Now because I'm cynical I tend to not get too excited about a lot of things for fear of having my soul crushed, but this was Tim Burton doing Alice in Wonderland with his usual superstar tag team of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. It had all the ingredients and skills at hand to be a delicious 3 course meal of enjoyment. But instead what we got was more like a teacake. It was good, but I was hungry for more. So what was wrong? Let us dive right in.
The movie starts off in the real world during the "bonnet drama" era. Alice is a lively, free spirited sort of gal feeling all the pressures of a sexist and elitest society. The movie follows Alice around for 15 minutes or so as she interacts with various characters who you just know are going to have themselves injected into the wonderland world as a fantasy persona. Yeah, that's right. It seems that the movie industry has imposed some kind of law in which if a movie starts off in the real world and then goes into a fantasy world then the fantasy world MUST be reflective of the real world and how the main character views it. So instead of a genuine fantasy world most of the time what we're really getting isa creative visualization of the thought process and of personal growth and discovery. Which I guess is fine but why can't I just go to a freaking weirdo place just because it's there anymore? Now it's all dreams and ambitions and fears and shit and it's all getting a bit pretentious and lame to be honest. Anyway so then Alice follows the rabbit down the hole and the adventure begins.
Now what I remember Wonderland (or Underland in this movie) to be like is in many ways very different to what the movie presents. I acknowledge that maybe I'm the only one who thinks this but to me Wonderland was always a place where random, inexplicable shit was constantly screwing Alice over and fucking with her mind. Alice was a fish that was so far out of water that she was in fucking space and gasping for air. In the movie she's the fucking chosen one. Instead of being a fish out of water she's a champion of the people. Instead of stumbling from one oddball character to another they all get together and discuss the current political climate. I mean even the Mad Hatter is saned up so that he can step in as something of a role model to Alice. I mean the world is still nice; it looks great and there are still hints of insanity and such but it's not the same. It feels more like Middle Earth has been redone on magic mushrooms or acid. It might sound fun but it's just not the same. So anyway shit in Wonderland gets sorted, Alice returns to the real world on a hero buzz and gives a big fuck you to the real world in the form of a dance she picked up from the Mad Hatter. A dance that made me die a little inside.
So what does all this mean in terms of quality? To me Alice in Wonderland was ok. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't great either and quite frankly it stands as a low point in Tim Burton's career. I suppose it had to happen eventually. Nobody can just keep making awsome stuff over and over again, can they?
Anyway so a couple of months back I was shown the trailer to Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie and I got excited. But excitement can be bittersweet mistress, especially when she wants a threesome with her ugly sister disappoinment. And that's exacltly what Alice in Wonderland was, a Ménage à Troi with high expectations and inadequet payoff. Now because I'm cynical I tend to not get too excited about a lot of things for fear of having my soul crushed, but this was Tim Burton doing Alice in Wonderland with his usual superstar tag team of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. It had all the ingredients and skills at hand to be a delicious 3 course meal of enjoyment. But instead what we got was more like a teacake. It was good, but I was hungry for more. So what was wrong? Let us dive right in.
The movie starts off in the real world during the "bonnet drama" era. Alice is a lively, free spirited sort of gal feeling all the pressures of a sexist and elitest society. The movie follows Alice around for 15 minutes or so as she interacts with various characters who you just know are going to have themselves injected into the wonderland world as a fantasy persona. Yeah, that's right. It seems that the movie industry has imposed some kind of law in which if a movie starts off in the real world and then goes into a fantasy world then the fantasy world MUST be reflective of the real world and how the main character views it. So instead of a genuine fantasy world most of the time what we're really getting isa creative visualization of the thought process and of personal growth and discovery. Which I guess is fine but why can't I just go to a freaking weirdo place just because it's there anymore? Now it's all dreams and ambitions and fears and shit and it's all getting a bit pretentious and lame to be honest. Anyway so then Alice follows the rabbit down the hole and the adventure begins.
Now what I remember Wonderland (or Underland in this movie) to be like is in many ways very different to what the movie presents. I acknowledge that maybe I'm the only one who thinks this but to me Wonderland was always a place where random, inexplicable shit was constantly screwing Alice over and fucking with her mind. Alice was a fish that was so far out of water that she was in fucking space and gasping for air. In the movie she's the fucking chosen one. Instead of being a fish out of water she's a champion of the people. Instead of stumbling from one oddball character to another they all get together and discuss the current political climate. I mean even the Mad Hatter is saned up so that he can step in as something of a role model to Alice. I mean the world is still nice; it looks great and there are still hints of insanity and such but it's not the same. It feels more like Middle Earth has been redone on magic mushrooms or acid. It might sound fun but it's just not the same. So anyway shit in Wonderland gets sorted, Alice returns to the real world on a hero buzz and gives a big fuck you to the real world in the form of a dance she picked up from the Mad Hatter. A dance that made me die a little inside.
So what does all this mean in terms of quality? To me Alice in Wonderland was ok. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't great either and quite frankly it stands as a low point in Tim Burton's career. I suppose it had to happen eventually. Nobody can just keep making awsome stuff over and over again, can they?
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