Beam Me Up

Aside from being an extremely shitty Urban Dictionary entry by "doo doo dicky" (see picture to the left) Femalien is an extremely shitty erotica from 1996 that can be found in the "adult" section of your local video rental outlet. It features all the full frontal nudity and simulated sex you come to expect from an erotica but also has an aweful story that will amuse you with its crappiness for maybe 15 mins or so. Straight up, Femalien should not be confused for pornography. Although your mum may not care for the difference if she walks in on you watching it, Femalien is not porn. Just to make the difference between erotica and porn clear; porn is designed to show explicit scenes of sex whilst erotica is more a story with sexual themes. "Boring!" I hear my readers cry; so lets get down to the naughty bits. To it's credit Femalien features some hot chicks whose anatomy the viewer becomes quite accustomed to. That's about it for the good points, so to its' discredit Femalien features...

1. Horrible music during the "lovemaking"
2. The lamest sci-fi story which is...
3. ...made worse by terrible acting
4. Several scenes of boring simulated sex that nobody even seems into
5. Well that's about it actually, but 1-4 do feature in almost every scene in this damn movie

Anyway seeing as how I DID make a bit of a big deal about the whole Femalien-not-porn-it's-erotica thing I suppose I HAD better cover the story a little. Femalien is an alien sent to Earth on a mission to study the mating habits of humans. On Earth she takes on the appearance of a large breasted female and goes out to perve on couples, seduce men and women and sleep with some guy in order to help out one of her brand new Earth buddies (before fucking them). It's kind of ironic that this disguise of hers is so revealing most of the time, don'tcha think? I mean in the traditional sense a disguise puts you in mind of large trenchcoats, dark glasses or even one of those humorous glasses, fake nose with moustache combos you can get at party shops. Actually this whole movie kinda gives off those party shop vibes. I can just imagine this movie being watched at a buck's party whilst waiting for the strippers to come. I also thinks it rather strange that after the seduction the Femalien beams her prey to her love pad and the subject of her sexual experiment hardly seems to care. A quick look about and the utterance of "weird, how did you do that?" followed by a vague answer like "I have magnetic attraction" is all that is required to put their minds at rest before they get it on. I personally, in this situation, would question a little further than that.

"Seriously! I'm not fucking around! How did you do that? I need answers. Look, if there isn't a completely inncoent answer as to why I am all of a sudden on your bed I'm leaving. So if you just let me call a taxi or something I'll be on my way."