Sonic VS. Mario

Here's a battle older than time itself. For many years now, as the young adults of today were growing up, a fierce war was waged between Sega and Nintendo. Phantasy Star against Final Fantasy; Master System against NES; CD against cartridge. But none of that compared to the all consuming ravialry between Sega's Sonic and Nintendo's Mario. The war has more or less died now that Sega has dropped out of the console wars to develope software, but I'm here today to put the 2 mascots back under the microscope and compare them to decide who is better once and for all.

Sidekicks

Every good hero needs a sidekick. Someone to bail them out of trouble, offer comic relief or even just someone whom the hero looks better than by comparison. Mario's usual and most popular sidekick is his brother Luigi. Luigi is often overshadowed by his more popular brother but Luigi is arguably better than Mario. Luigi can jump higher, is more easygoing and just isn't out to impress the way Mario is. The Paper Mario series always characatures him as the unnoticed, inperceptive and even cowardly sidekick but then when it comes time to prove himself as Mario's equal he never backs down. The truth is Luigi is quite a character all on his own, perhaps even more so than vanilla Mario. Then there's Sonic's sidekick Tails (or Miles "Tails" Prower for all you well read Sonic fans out there) who comes across as a pathetic, iritating child in desperate need of some "maning the fuck up." Tails is a little bitch, plain and simple. His theme tunes in the Sonic Adventure games are always sung by females and he seems to fall apart without Sonic there to hold his hand through it all. He's a sus dude alright. Winner - Mario

The Herioc Quest

A hero can only be a hero if he has a quest. Some good deeds to do, someone to save. Every hero needs to do something to earn that title. In Mario's case, the heroism extends as far as rescuing the same stupid Princess over and over and over in the vain hope of getting some pussy or maybe even just getting some money so that he can retire. Mario never seems to get much out of these quests other than the odd kiss or a cake. So how much good does Mario do? Not heaps to be honest. Sure he's determined to get some respect from Peach but all he ever does is rescue the same girl over and over. Surely there are others in more dire need than the incredably thick Princess. Sonic on the other hand has freed thousands of animals from the cruel experiments of a demented scientist, thwarted several plans for global dictatorship and even brought the world back from the brink of the Appocolypse on several occasions. He has some seriously boss adventures. Winner - Sonic

Theme Tunes

Every hero needs one of these, otherwise how would you know they were winning? Mario has kept his simple tune for many years now. It's as recognisable as tunes get these days. People remix it, rap over it and cover it on the piano, guitar and even in orchestras. Sonic on the other hand ditched his old 16 Bit tunes for Jap-Rock. Some people like that kinda stuff, I don't mind it too much at times but overall it's pretty shitty and it leaves Sonic without a consistant tune to call his very own. No orchestras, no remix, not even a ringtone. Mario smokes Sonic in this category. Winner - Mario

Selling Out

I think it's pretty safe to say that Mario wins this category hands down. Mario has been used to sell pasta, shampoo and all sorts of rubbish. Mario has had a gazillion guest appearances in shitty games and is probably only likely to get worse. Mario knows it too, the whole Paper Mario series seems to self-parody the situations Mario finds himself in these days. Not that Sonic is guilt free here either. Sonic's had his fair share of comic books and cartoons that don't fit together in the slightest. But seeing as how Sonic is less popular than Mario these days, Sonic just doesn't seem to sell the shirts the way Mario does. Winner - Mario

Brawlin'

There is one simple way to determine who is the champion mascot these days and that's by battling them out in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Of course the better player is the one who wins in the end, not the actual mascot. So I decided to set them both up as CPU's on the hardest dificulty. Items were turned off and the level was Final Destination so as to limit the amount of chance that was in play during this important battle. And the Winner is...MARIO!

It seems that despite all that Sonic had going for him he just couldn't beat Mario in a duel. I was surprised, I've always thought that the winner would be Sonic because of his speed and his spikey head (how's Mario gonna jump on that shit?). Seems my faith was missplaced on this occasion though. But Sonic holds a very special place in my heart. Sonic the Hedgehog was my first true obsession as a child and even though he just can't make a 3D game like Mario can, a part of me still loves him to bits.