Evony, Kingory and Bloons TD 4

Never let it be said that I don't suffer for my blog. I know I seem to devote many game reviews to games I quite enjoy but on this day I'm demonstrating my devotion by ploughing through 2 games that I know will be complete shit spread on mouldy bread. I'm sure everyone who's used the internet during to past year or so has seen one of Evony's shameless advertisments. I see them everywhere I go. Evony's ingenious ad campaign seems to revolve entirely around the promise of breasts and being the ruler of a kingdom filled with underwear models. Gee Evony, I appreciate your help and all but in all honesty I'm quite capable of finding my own porn thanks. But anyway for those who are unaware this is an ad for an online video game. An online video game that funnily enough features no breasts, queens or anything more erotic than maybe a phallic building design or two. So I guess what I'm saying is that the ads are a big, jiggly pair of double D lies. What the game is is a dweeby little fantasy massively-multiplayer real time strategy game that looks like this.

WOW! How exciting! The game often promotes itself as "free forever" but really what they SHOULD say is "free forever except for some of the really good stuff that you have to pay for." Buy money or no money means very little if the game is good right? I mean I buy games all the time. But Evony is almost instantly boring. I got in and I immediately wanted out. Leaving and unsubscribing wasn't exactly an intuitive process. I'd walk you through it but to be honest I still don't know how I got out of that shit. This was a frustrating experience made even worse by the fact that even my computer didn't like Evony. My once happy, vibrant little friend was suddenly snarling and snapping at me like I'd dropped it in the bath or something. I guess this was because the game runs on your browser and doesn't "require any installations", a fact that the game itself boasts of. Now at this point some of you might be saying "but online games are as much about the community as they are about the game, surely there is a friendly community of loyal supporters behind this slightly troubled game?" Well far be it from me to judge a community, but let me show you a sample from the chatbox and you can be the judge of the Evony community.

"heyy every1 hu wants tah totally go out widd mah?? some hott dude"

- Evony's Finest Wordsmith

But enough with Evony, what about Kingory, that other game I wanted to flame? Well let me show you an ad for Kingory.

No I didn't post the wrong image. Kingory uses the exact same advertising strategy. More than that, when I registered and started playing I saw this.

And I experienced the same boredom, disgust and lack of sexy ladies as I did with Evony. Infact Kingory is the exact same shit just for people who thought the Yellow (asian) Power Ranger was more attractive than the Pink (regular old whitey) Power Ranger.

You might ask yourselves why I chose to dive into two games that I knew would be shit. So what was the point? To prove to myself that I'm right about the sorry state of the world I guess. But not everything on this post is about rubbish. To make up for the crappy online games I just flamed I thought I'd share one last online flash game called Bloons TD 4. Bloons TD 4 is a quaint little tower defence game that is simple, colourful and addictive; which is really what you want in an online game. Something you can whip out for a few minutes while you wait for your cuppa soup to heat up. The simple elegance of Bloons stands in complete contrast to these overblown, overcomplicated sacks of garbage known as Evony and Kingory. It also didn't need giant knockers to get me to play it.