The Spider Man Movie Trilogy

Woah! Over a month since my last post, gosh I need to shape up. Anyway, first up I'd just like to point out that I was never that big on Spider Man. I never read a comic, I very rarely watched any of the multiple animated series and to be quite honest I never gave a shit. I don't really see the appeal to be honest. The only good thing about Spider Man is the occassionally decent game in which you can swing around the city, getting as high up as you can before flinging yourself towards to ground in an exhillerating, I-have-a-sinking-feeling-in-my-stomach act of catharsis. So now that you know roughly how I stand on the whole Spider Man franchise it's time for me to give you my highly opinionated rundown on the Spider Man Trilogy and how it sunk from mediocrity into a cloying casm of darkness and shit.

Spider Man
The movie that started it all. I was in my early to mid teens when this movie first hit the big screen and I think I recall actually liking it a fair bit at the time. Granted, this was before I had any taste or clear understanding of what makes a movie good in any way, so I think it's a fairly safe bet I liked it because it looked good and the story had internal consistency. Looking back the movie was really just above average and did nothing new and exciting with the Spider Man formula. You know the drill, Peter Parker is a weedy little nerd with glasses whose parents, now deceased, apparently didn't have a lot of money for vowels and consonants to give him a cool person name. The movie sets Peter up as the loser for a while, he has a hopeless crush on a girl out of his league, he is forever running alongside his school bus and the jocks shove him about. I guess it's pretty important that all the Spider Man fans can inject themselves into this universe. Anyway, to cut a long and often painfully scripted story short this movie is about how Spider Man came to be, what motivates him and why.

Spider Man 2
The second movie is a very similar formula to the first one. I can really only fault it in one new way over the original and that's this. They fucking explore the same shit. There is no character developement, which isn't normally a problem because Spider Man has already been developed as a character. But instead of exploring other characters they just retread the "what motivates Spider Man" ground. Oh and Spider Man's love interest is a mopey, unlikable moody bitch who I have no interest in seeing Spider Man get involved with unless it involves consuming her in web, feeding on her and laying eggs in her. However it is this movie in which my favourite Spider Man character ever is introduced. No, not Dr. Octopus you nerdy fuck. The character I'm refering to is the semi-attractive, plain Jane character who is the daughter of Peter Parkers landlord. I like her because she is the only character in the movie who feels real and genuine; as well as that she happily makes Peter a cake to cheer him up, juxtaposing her nicely against that other hormonal tramp. In fact what has always pissed me off about that movie is that Peter Parker should have clearly ended up with the cake lady. She was lovely, she was a dear, she would've had a cake ready for Spidey at the end of a long day of fighting freaks. But despite this I can't really say that this movie was any worse than the first, not in any significant way. But then along came...

Spider Man 3
What a ballsack of a movie. Once again they decide to explore the personal life of Spider Man only this time Peter Parker lets the fame get to his head and he turns into a douchebag. I don't know why this pisses his girlfriend off so much, seeing as how she's a complete bitch too, seems like they're made for each other. Also I'm not exactly sure why the years of being famous have only just now gotten to Peter's head as opposed to say TWO FREAKIN' MOVIES AGO! But I digress. Also the bad guys have the shitest motivations yet. Sandman's excuse for shooting an old man unnescessarily after stealing his car was simply "my daughter is sick." The other guy wants to kill Peter as revenge for revealing that his photo's he was selling to the paper were photoshopped and stealing his girlfriend. He actually goes into a church and preys for Peter's death. Oh yeah, did I mention that of all these unsubtle movies this one is about as subtle as having your scrotum pulled back through your legs and stapled over your sphincter. The fact is that the story is just a clumsier version of the older stories with characters who are all unlikable with the exception of cake girl, who Peter Parker is a complete jerk to. The really stupid part is that half the movie is actually not about superheroes or supervillians, it's just about people you don't like ruining relationships you don't care about. I remember when this came out the Angry Video Game Nerd did a review defending this movie against the swarms of disgust it stirred in people and actually claimed it was the best of the trilogy and wrapped everything up nicely. To that I say, are you fucking kidding me? That movie was pointless, did nothing for the franchise and will forever be known as "The Shit Spider Man Movie." What isn't completely awful is utterly bland.

To conclude I'd just like to say that Spider Man is actually pretty shit. He's a lame super hero with uninteresting motivations and all his supervillain counterparts are stupid. In fact,I can't think of a single decent Marvel Comic franchise. They're all shit. Spider Man is probably the best one. I mean DC has Batman and The Watchmen, which are simply a lot better in terms of quality.So there you have it, I have scientifically proven that DC is superior to Marvel. Fuck you nerds!