The Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Being a Villain

So now that I'm well and truly over Kevin Bloody Wilson and his enraged fan base (apparently it WASN'T who we thought it was guys...I checked) I thought I'd finally get back to blogging about important things (yeah right). Anyway enough with the furious masturbating, it's time to present to you the Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Being a Villain (as seen in the title).

Anyway I'm sure we've all at some stage seen a movie and thought the villain was awesome. Let's face it, hero's are often cookie-cutter, two-dimensional characters who's only two goals in life are stopping evil and having a tangled relationship with the damsel in distress. Villains are were the writers have the REAL fun. Sometimes they are a socially unadjusted misfit, sometimes they are orphaned by a horrible event and sometimes their just nihilistic cunts who get off on watching people panic. That said though there is definitely a lot of familiar ground that can be tread when developing the character of a villain. So just in case any of my readers wanted to become the most stereotypical villain ever I thought I'm compile this list of things the do. Enjoy!

First of all it's always a good idea to become a part of a prophecy. These prophecies usually involve a great force of evil rising up to claim a powerful artifact and then a hero vanquishing them. It always interested me the way the villain is perfectly happy to accept that they are the dark force and that the artifact they seek is indeed powerful but then seem to dismiss the part about eventually getting their arse handed to them. But prophecies and premonitions aside, you aren't a real villain until you've actually done something evil, right? And what better place to start than by burning down the smallest, most peaceful village you can find and killing all of it's inhabitants except one child of about 10-13 years old. This kid will eventually kill you, but for now just stand about and cackle like the complete bastard that you are.
Helpful tip: for full effect try to stand in a way so that the flames of the fire are well reflected in your eyes.

Another way to be a bastard is terrorise an attractive young woman. The hero will save her and fall in love and all that shit but it's important that you do it. Just trust me on that one I guess.

Another thing to be sure to do is treat your underlings with extreme distain, disgust and contempt. They will grovel and seek your approval no matter how shitty you treat them. Also be sure to have a few incompotent ones fairly high up in oder to both provide comic relief and provide windows of opportunity so that the heroes are capable of eventually overthrowing you.

Whilst waiting for the hero to get his shit together (believing in himself, sorting out his relationship issues, sewing his costume, etc.) you should get to work practising your dramatic monologues, ready for when you'll have to deliver them to the hero during the final showdown. Be sure to pace the room, gaze out of the window and survey the chaos you've caused and recall some horrible memories about the protagonists' family and friends who perished at your hands. Mention how they suffered, begged and screamed. Call his mum a slut. Something along these lines. Anything that'll psyche him out. Perhaps if you wanted you could even say that "KEVIN BLOODY WILSON IS FUCKING SHIT!" It certainly stirs up some people.