The Last Post Of 2008

Yes that's right folks, I'm going to be taking a short break from Infinite Possiblogities. I'm sure after Christmas and New Year I'll have many cool new toys to play with and things to bitch about. I won't be gone long, you probably won't even notice. So from Mr.B to all his loyal fans I'd just like to wish you all the best for Christmas and the remainder of 2008. Here's a picture of me looking bored and wearing that elf hat that my friend gave me with the sack of porn (anyone remember?)
Enjoy!

Join Me and Improve Television

As some of my earlier reviews may have suggested I'm not a huge fan of most TV shows. TV is a horribly predictable creature; only rarely able to learn an exciting new trick and then unashamedly thrashing the colourful new element until it turns the same putrid brown as everything else on the moron box. Television is dying a slow death and is pulling out the cheapest tricks in the book to try and claw back fans that have turned to the internet or DVD boxsets. But while I'm watching the TV networks groan and writhe about in agony with a malicious grin on my face I wouldn't mind seeing something good on it for a change. That's about all I want in my introduction so let's just cut to the chase. It being Thursday and all I watched Zero Punctuation this morning and was told that the pilot for GameDamage was up and on the internet. GameDamage is a show by Yahtzee, Yug and Matt and seems to be something of a Topgear for gamers. The eventual plan is to hopefully get a TV network to pick up the show and pay the lads to make a series out of it and I for one would be very happy to see this happen. I don't know exactly what we, the little people, can do to make the show a reality (I'm blogging and that's about it I guess) but just on the offchance that any of my readers own a large multinational corporation in great need of sponsorship I suggest you check out the pilot and take it from there. Anyone who's interested (probably none of you ungrateful bastards) should click this link here. Oh and Keep checking up on Infinite Possiblogities. I promise I'll start bullying shit again soon.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Review

There's quite a bit of anime out there these days isn't there? In a lot of ways it's a rather inaccessible form of entertainment for us Western folk, seeing as how pretty much every anime that is broadcast over here is mediocre at best and aimed at kids young enough to buy all the trading cards and not feel ripped off. If you're reading this blog and haven't seen an anime that isn't Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Dragon Ball Z or Naruto then I can totally forgive you for thinking that anime is nothing more than an infantile, slow-paced bucket of jargon-filled dross starring over-excitable morons with Sonic hairdos and huge watery eyes. BUT, as my massive praise of Ghost in the Shell might've hinted, I'm a guy who can appreciate a really good anime. This is a very good thing indeed considering that the anime I'm about to review IS an excellent anime. So if you haven't closed the window by now, let's get down to buisiness.

Just the other day I bought myself the complete boxed set of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and after watching the first 2 episodes decided that nothing in the world was as important as watching more of it and I promptly slammed out the rest of the season; thoroughly enjoying every minute of it I might add. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is one of those hard-to-describe affairs which are excellent to watch but make it hard to recruite followers without using the old "just trust me" lines. But seeing as how this is SUPPOSED to be a review I guess I should try and explain the set up. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is set in a high school and follows the adventures of a school-based club called the SOS Brigade and their excitable and eccentric leader, Haruhi Suzumiya, as they attempt to delve into the world of aliens, espers and time travelers. It's funny, it's charming, it's slightly romantic and it has fully fleshed-out characters who you will actually grow quite fond of. Haruhi herself, who could easily have fallen into the annoying category as so many excitable anime leads tend to do, comes accross as an engaging, multilayered personality who will probably become the victim of erotic fan fiction at some point. I don't really want to say too much about the series for I fear that I may simultaneously make the show sound crappy and spoil key plot developments. So all you really need to know is that I was overjoyed to hear that there will be a second season and I will gladly fork over the $100 or so to buy the boxset when it comes out.

Hardcore, Casual and Leet

Ok, lets just say for the sake of argument that you aren't one of my close friends. Now you've probably been able to piece together enough about me to figure out that I'm a bit of a gamer. Oh yes, I enjoy a good old chat about the merrits of games like Braid and Half-Life 2 and throwing in the odd Portal quote that'll cause a few raised eyebrows amoungst those whom are unenlightened. One thing you WILL NOT EVER find me doing is "leet speaking" on some horrid online game. I will also never ever spell leet with numbers (eg. 1337) because that is just completely fucked on a multitude of levels. I am not the only gamer out there who feels that they are looked down upon because of their passion but I feel that if you're going to carry on like a complete arsehole by simultaneously bastardising the English language and spreading racial hate then you somewhat forefit your right to complain because you are so seriously part of the problem. Another recent trend in gaming I cannot stand is the labelling of games as "hardcore" and "casual." No matter what you think, pigeonholing games into stupid little categories like that is really just as arbitrary as arguing which current generation console is the best. In other words let me just proclomate...

"A good game is a good game, no matter what else you say about it"

-Mr.B

That perhaps sounds a little too optimistic. Because whilst douchebags call themselves 1337 and abuse the casual gamers they'll hold up the "harcore" games like sparkling jewels despite the fact that they might be complete shit. What exactly makes Halo 3 hardcore? Is it because you shoot stuff or is it just because you have to be super devoted to put up with the shitty AI, clumsy self-awareness and a multiplayer that lags like a motherfucker? And more to the point what makes a casual game? Most people label a casual game because it can be easily enjoyed by most people. If so then why would you hate casual games? I'll tell you why. Because leet speaking dickheads love to think of themselves as hardcore gamers. So just to wrap things up, the following things can be added to my list of complete disdain...

1. leet speak
2. the division of games into Hardcore and Casual
3. the majority of the online community

Feel free to point out spelling errors, gramatical errors and tell me how you dislike my more serious blogs and I'll hook you up with a spot on the list.

If Life Were a Videogame Lesson Two - Social Interactions

As the proud owner of a completely unsuccessful blog it would be safe to assume that my social skills are sub-par; and you'd be right. I'm not socially awkward as such, but I tend to sit in silence around conversations unless I'm with my closest friends (aka, YOU). Socialising is a complex thing. The wit. The timing. The subject matter. Different rules apply to different people in different situations and one wrong move could spell disaster. In videogames however, socialising is made much simpler and easier. In games like Fable II and the Sims simply acting possitively towards another person is enough to win complete admiration from your peers. Pull off the perfect fart in Fable II and everybody withing a 5 metre radius will want to marry you. Man or woman. Rich or poor. Whomever you wish to court the same techniques work every single time. As long as you don't attempt to murder them you can pretty much fuck whoever, whenever. The Sims are a little more fussy, but the same old formulas will always work whether you're tuning a teenage crush or trying to get into the pants of your brothers' wife. Bit of chit-chat, throw in a joke or two and then flirt, flirt, flirt. They may resist at first but another joke to smooth things over is all it'll take before you'll be making out, marrying and having sex having only met the person 2 days ago. That said, even though these characters move through all the stages in a relationship at the speed of light you can't just skip ahead to sex straight up with whoever you please. Anything slightly sexual in every game I've ever played can only be achieved when the character is head over heels in love with you. So even though you can have multiple partners and sordid love affairs you cannot just have a simple one night stand with a complete stranger. It seems kind of strange to me and really it only further highlights my point. Relationships in videogames are simplified far beyond the complexities of real life socialising. I realise of course that I've spoken mostly about sexual encounters concerning gaming and not so much on the friendship side, but in gaming it's pretty much the same formula. Fill up the friendship bar and you can interact with that person in whatever way you see fit. (Sigh) I wish I were a sim.

Skate

I am sure you are all vaguely familiar with who Tony Hawkes is, even if it is only because his name is currently attached to one of the largest and most repetitive game series still alive today. I was actually on board with the first 2 Tony Hawkes games in the series but by number 3 it was getting a little silly and before you knew it there was an annual release of a brand new game in the series. When Tony Hawkes games first emerged onto the scene it was the kind of thing that ate it's shitty competition for breakfast and the series went crazy and rampaged through the market unchallenged like a financial Godzilla. Anyway after what seems like 20 Tony Hawkes games (each becoming successively less to do with Tony) the skating genre seemed at an end when a game called Skate swept in and pulled off a perfect nosegrind across the top of Tony Hawkes gaming grave. The thing about skate is it actually reinvented the genre with a cool new control scheme. Instead of being able to pull off rediculously impossible combo's by just mashing pre-memorised button combinations like a speedy robot you have to stick with tricks and combo's that are far more in the realistic side of things. This is done by simply replacing button mashing with stick flicking but that simple idea was actually quite a huge step. It feels more natural and it gives an appropriate difficulty level to the harder tricks. That said it can be extremely hard to differentiate certain tricks with similar stick motions and I'm never completely sure if it's my fault or the games. I've also heard some criticisms regarding product placement in the game but for me it seems like a good thing rather than a bad one. The game is supposed to be a realistic skate game and picking and wearing skate brands only seems authentic rather than an act of selling out. I'm not sure exactly how to wrap this up. If you're even mildly interested in skating it's worth a look, especially if you thought the first Tony Hawkes game was original and exciting at the time.

I Still Love You...I Promise

Ah yes, my blog. That thing I created ages ago during that period when my ego was quite swollen and led me to believe that my blog may grant me money and respect. This could be my big break...WRONG! Several months later after a dizzying surge in my popularity which occured around the time that I made fun of pornographic director Ben Dover I have dropped back from my daily posting habits and perhaps in the number of fanatical devotees aswell. Anyway I'm back and I'm just letting you know that even though I've kept my 4 devoted fans waiting for so long I do still have plenty of ideas for Infinite Possiblogities. The reason the postings have become spacey as of late is because I have a job now and it's thrusting its' large, throbbing shifts into my moist, tight leisure time. So no need to panic, Infinite Possiblogities is far from dead. I will continue to review crappy things, make nerdy observations and ejactulate all of my word-semen across the face (and breasts) of the internet.

P.S. I think I have a problem.

Today's Mystery Shop Item Is Hippie Chick Deodorant

I can't remember exactly who's behind this particular fragrance but I think it may be Impulse. Hippie Chick smells OK I guess, for an Impulse deodorant (ooh burn). But quite frankly I find it strange that anyone is marketing a deodorant to capture the essence of a hippie. Hippies are well known for their offensive odours. Infact if you are looking out to smell like a hippie, here's a cheaper option than this deodorant, NOTHING. Hippies are happy to rock their B.O. and if you wanna smell like a Hippie I suggest you do the same. Pot, incence and sweat are probably about all you need to get the authentic hippie fragrance. The idea of spending money purely for hippie cred is kind of paradoxical don't you think? I can think of all sorts of negative labels to attach to this particular way of life but "sellout" would not be one of them. The only times hippies are prepared to spend are when forking out those extra bucks for the organic mungbeans or Woodford tickets (zing). Anyway I'm starting to get that ol' feeling I get sometimes when I post where I can visualize all my readers being all offended and start firing up the negative comments. Don't worry guys, I'm not dissing Woodford. I realise it's not JUST hippies who go there and I'm sure all my non-hippie friends who are going will have a great time (and not be wearing Hippie Chick deodorant.)

Live From the Shelves of Sam's Warehouse

I wish I had a picture of this item. It would probably make my post about 10% funnier. But without the visual aids I'm going to have to rely on y readers abilities to use their imaginations. But anyway I was doing the usual shelf stacking at Sam's Warehouse today when I noticed a rather stupid product. It was in amoungst all the other bachelor/ette merchandise aimed at cackling, drunk 30 year old women and simpleton men. It was basically one of those egg ring things except it fries the egg into the vague shape of a woman. WOW! Seriously though it was called something along the lines of "Sexy Egg Frier (or is it fryer?)" but I'm not sure if sexy is really an accurate or appropriate description of the item. 13 from House is sexy. That girl who stood in the middle of the globe of death as high speed bikes occupied about 90% of her personal space was sexy. Eggs are not sexy. No matter what shape they are, runny or not, eggs are not sexy. But the embellishment of the items description is a little beside the point. There was another thought that crossed my mind. Why would anyone want their eggs to be sexy? Food and sex, of course, can be considered acceptable. I'm fine with people out there licking body chocolate off each others flesh. What I'm not fine with is people wanting to spread their seed in their breakfast. Ok, sure, the product isn't actually suggesting you scramble your eggs a little more intimately but trying to make your meal look like a person of the opposite sex isn't exaclty a step in the right direction. But you know who this product is really aimed at? The late bloomers. Anyone remember in primary school how all the kids would be spotting dicks and tits in the clouds, in odd shaped sticks and the like? Then do you also remember how there would always be a kid who either took the joke way too far or flat out didn't get it? That's the kid who, 8 years or so later, is out cooking up their eggs with a big, disgusting grin on their face. It's like cheating really. It's funny when you find a potato that looks like a giant wang, mostly because it just happened that way. But if you start cooking eggs that look like boobs then of course they're going to look like boobs. You spent $5 and then 2 mins to make them look exactly like that. How can you do that and then say "hey, hehehe, these eggs look like boobies,hehehe"? Then again, maybe I'm just reading way too far into this cheap metal shape?

Just a Quick Few Words

Just incase anybody was interested in my earlier post about video games getting banned Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, the creative genius behind fullyramlomatic.com and the Zero Punctuation video reviews (give him a chance damn you!), has recently written an interesting article on the very same subject. Here's the link.

http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24493980-5014239,00.html

If Life Were A Videogame - Lesson One: Sleeping

I had a particularly shit sleep the other night. I was laying in bed with my eyes shut for about 4 hours trying to catch some z's. It was even shittier because I had work the next day I needed my beauty sleep. But my brian just wouldn't do it. It knew what it had to do, it knew the stakes and then it folded under the pressure. To be honest sleep rarely works out for me. I sleep too much. I sleep too little. I can only sleep facing one way. I'm too hot. I'm too cold. I'm too hungry. I have a diabetes related problem. I'm too tightly tucked in. My feet are exposed. I dream that there's a strange person in my room. There actually is a strange person in my room and he's stealing my wallet. I'm too excited. I'm itchy. I'm restless. Do you get my point? Now it occured to me recently that in videogames you don't have that problem. If life were a videogame then sleeping would trouble me no more. Take Fable II as a recent and trendy example. In Fable II enducing sleep is as simple as finding a bed, pressing A and selecting how long you want to sleep for. How fucking easy is that? (Answer: very).

Sims characters have no trouble sleeping either. I've even seen them sleeping standing up before. Turn based games like Final Fantasy XII have sleep spells as well as potions and spells to wake them up again. Of course, if I could help it I'd eliminate the need for sleep altogether. I could really use those extra hours in my life. But instead of learning to yodel I'm doing nothing. Nothing but sleep. So for one last gaming reference let's bring in Mario. Mario has no need for sleep. Mario could sleep if he wanted to, but why would he? Mario is unaffected by fatigue. He always has the energy to run, jump and fly. The only time Mario DOES sleep is when you don't play with him for 5 minutes or so. But even then he's probably just sulking. Anyway it's getting late now so I'd best be getting to bed now and TRYING to get some sleep. Goodnight.

Madworld, the Wii and What's Wrong with the World

Ask any of my friends and I'm sure they'll tell you that I'm a Nintendo boy through and through. I think the Wii is an awesome piece of hardware with the potential to make gaming that little bit more immersive. That said I can't help but feel that developers are whoring out the poor thing, cheapening it by sticking any old half-arsed, arm flapping, shovelware into it. There are a fair few exceptionally good titles on the Wii but for every gem there a probably about 30 shitty Wii games and it can be hard to see the good for all the ugly in the way. I kinda liked it when Nintendo was the underdog. The Gamecube only had about 8 really excellent games on it but at least they weren't bogged down in crap. Well I guess maybe they were, but at least it wasn't anywhere near as much crap. I'm a fan of motion controls when they add to the experience and help to make the player more intimate with the game. Games like The Legend of Zelda:Twilight Princess and Metroid Prime 3: Corruption I hold as the finest examples of how motion controls should be implemented in a game. What should NOT be done is make a game based entirely around wanking off the Wiimote as furiously as possible and/or pointing and clicking at the screen. This is LAZY design and says to me as a gamer "We developers don't give a fuck about games, we just wanna make some quick cash." If you remove all of Nintendo's key frachises from the equation (Zelda, Metroid and Mario) there are really only three good Wii exclusive titles left (namely No More Heroes, Boom Blox and De Blob). This brings me to my next point (there's a point?) and that's Madworld. Madworld is an upcoming Wii exclusive title being pitched as an ultra-stylised, surreal, game in which you control a man with a chainsaw arm competing in a televised, deathmatch gameshow. To me the title appears to be interesting, exciting and unique. This is exactly the kind of thing I want the Wii to be about. But the totally shit thing is that the game is looking likely to be banned in Australia because we don't have a damn R18+ rating for video games. There are a buttload of people I blame for this but all I really wanna bitch about here is this. We are going to miss out on some excellent titles in Australia because there are people in government who want to parent us.

"No Angus, that game is far too violent for an ADULT such as yourself. If people play it they will transform into enraged, twisted, psychopaths. It'll be just like the Hulk."

Let me just clear this little misconception up. School shootings and mass murders happen because

1. Natural selection pretty much explains that there are going to be emotionally, mentally and psychollogically messed up people every now and then. It sucks but that's just what a diverse reality is all about.



2. There is easy access to guns and weapons

The reason missinformed people blame movies, games and music for societies ills is because America cannot bear to let go of it's precious guns. They NEED guns because if they don't have a gun the next time someone attacks them with a gun they won't have a gun to defend themselves with. Does anyone else see the stupidity in this logic?

PS. Congratulations to Luke Wratten for being the first to list themselves as a fan of Infinite Possiblogities. He was just too quick for the rest of you.

I Told You My Paranoia Would Pay Off

First of all I feel I should appologise for my lack of posting. I haven't had regular access to a computer lately because my brothers are doing the HSC and need the computers all the damn time. Anyway enough excuses, it's time to get blogging.

Ok so this happened quite a while ago now and it'll be old news to some of you. But for those of you out of the loop on this one last Saturday I was sleeping at my girlfriends house. I was in a deep sleep when all of a suddenI was awokenby someone moving around. I saw a figure standing beside the bed and, thinking it was my gal, sat up a bit and said something. I can't remember exactly what I did or said but the character bolted from the room like it was the 100m and I'd fired the gun. After a quick rundown of the house it was established that the window and back door were open. That, and my wallet and phone were nowhere to be seen. That means I'll have to gather all my friends numbers up again for like the fourth time. I only just finished up the third time. I'm also currently waiting for my new bankcards and I'll have new pin numbers to remember, it's a bit of a pain but hey, hassles aside, there was one other thing I wanted to mention. Does anybody recall the topic of my second post? It's still here if you wanna check it out. Anyway I basically said how I don't like to sleep with my back to the door, or the majority of the room, for security reasons. Now even though I lost a phone and wallet in this I'm sure that had I not been so jittery and paranoid the house burglers would've had the run of the place. Ok so making out like I'm a big hero is probably only feeding my disorder and perhaps no good has really come from it. But whatever, it's my blog and I can put whatever spin I like on my life's events. Therefore, I feel it only fair to acknowledge that my sleeping disorders are infact crime repelling superpowers.

PS. I realise my MS Paint drawings are shit, it's all a working progress.

The Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Being a Villain

So now that I'm well and truly over Kevin Bloody Wilson and his enraged fan base (apparently it WASN'T who we thought it was guys...I checked) I thought I'd finally get back to blogging about important things (yeah right). Anyway enough with the furious masturbating, it's time to present to you the Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Being a Villain (as seen in the title).

Anyway I'm sure we've all at some stage seen a movie and thought the villain was awesome. Let's face it, hero's are often cookie-cutter, two-dimensional characters who's only two goals in life are stopping evil and having a tangled relationship with the damsel in distress. Villains are were the writers have the REAL fun. Sometimes they are a socially unadjusted misfit, sometimes they are orphaned by a horrible event and sometimes their just nihilistic cunts who get off on watching people panic. That said though there is definitely a lot of familiar ground that can be tread when developing the character of a villain. So just in case any of my readers wanted to become the most stereotypical villain ever I thought I'm compile this list of things the do. Enjoy!

First of all it's always a good idea to become a part of a prophecy. These prophecies usually involve a great force of evil rising up to claim a powerful artifact and then a hero vanquishing them. It always interested me the way the villain is perfectly happy to accept that they are the dark force and that the artifact they seek is indeed powerful but then seem to dismiss the part about eventually getting their arse handed to them. But prophecies and premonitions aside, you aren't a real villain until you've actually done something evil, right? And what better place to start than by burning down the smallest, most peaceful village you can find and killing all of it's inhabitants except one child of about 10-13 years old. This kid will eventually kill you, but for now just stand about and cackle like the complete bastard that you are.
Helpful tip: for full effect try to stand in a way so that the flames of the fire are well reflected in your eyes.

Another way to be a bastard is terrorise an attractive young woman. The hero will save her and fall in love and all that shit but it's important that you do it. Just trust me on that one I guess.

Another thing to be sure to do is treat your underlings with extreme distain, disgust and contempt. They will grovel and seek your approval no matter how shitty you treat them. Also be sure to have a few incompotent ones fairly high up in oder to both provide comic relief and provide windows of opportunity so that the heroes are capable of eventually overthrowing you.

Whilst waiting for the hero to get his shit together (believing in himself, sorting out his relationship issues, sewing his costume, etc.) you should get to work practising your dramatic monologues, ready for when you'll have to deliver them to the hero during the final showdown. Be sure to pace the room, gaze out of the window and survey the chaos you've caused and recall some horrible memories about the protagonists' family and friends who perished at your hands. Mention how they suffered, begged and screamed. Call his mum a slut. Something along these lines. Anything that'll psyche him out. Perhaps if you wanted you could even say that "KEVIN BLOODY WILSON IS FUCKING SHIT!" It certainly stirs up some people.

My Apologies

Dear Anonymous Kevin Bloody Wilson fan,

I am sincerely sorry if I caused offence. It was totally out of line of me to write whatever I wanted on my own blog page. You were right not to take my shit and you were right to call me out on it. You argued a good point there. I WAS just jealous that KBW makes so many people happy when all I do is write blogs and pretend to have friends. Are you captain of a debating team or something? Because you totally changed my opinion of KBW and his fans. Just one minor correction though, it was a shitty acronym, not antonym. But who am I to correct you? Just some small-time, loser blogger who never makes people laugh. Thank you for your enlightening words.

Yours sincerely
Mr.B

PS. I'm actually pretty sure I acknowledged that KBW makes lot of people laugh. By that same logic Osama Bin Laden should be praised for giving inspiration to so many Fundamentalist Extremists.

"i got the hat and the t-shirt lol love em haha x"

Everybody put your hands up if you're going to go see Kevin Bloody Wilson's live show! I can't wait, he's pretty much my all time favorite musical entertainer. The things he says are so funny and so true...

All you secret Kevin Bloody Wilson fans shouldn't step out your closets just yet, I was being extremely sarcastic. KBW is fucking shit and if Channel Ten plays that ad for his show any more I'm gonna flip out. Anyone know the one I mean? "Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck, DILLYGAF." Oh except on the ad it's a bit more like DILLYGACENSORED, does the obvious censoring actually make people less offended? I also find it amusing that whoever actually made this ad felt the need to include footage of a laughing audience, as if they had no confidence at all that the viewer would know that they should be laughing. Anyway, back to the point, DILLYGAF is one fucking shit acronym and the song is about as funny as...actually I have nothing at all to compare it to. It's on it's own level deep below the gutter in a dank and uninviting place where laughter goes to die. The depressing thing is that the moron is so damn popular. I guess he's only really popular with other morons but unfortunatly that is a fucking huge market. Just to take a small sample of the kind of people who are watching this shit I went to youtube and sampled some of the comments. Here are some examples...

• "i have this tattooed on my hands :) i was looking for two words or an 8 letter word and i sat back and taught D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. so when some dumbass keeps talkn i just put my fists up and laugh lol"
• "I've gotta get a Dilligaf t-shirt!"
• "NIIIIIIGEEEEEEE eeeeeeel FUCKIN LEGEND"

Fuck that's enough. I think I've made my point quite clear. So just in closing I thought I'd share with you my own little acronym. FYKBW!
Lets see if you can figure it out.

The Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Blogging

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Just thought a steam-punk Pacman was pretty awesome.

It's time I faced the facts. I'm becoming a bit lazy when it comes to my blog these days, and the quality of Infinite Possiblogities is suffering because of it. So it's time to step up and lift my game. I realise that writing a blog about "how to blog" in order to save your own blog is an extremely risky move. The risk is, of course, looking like a desperate and confused tosser trying to claw back some credability. Anyway, jerking off aside I present to you the Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Blogging.

The first thing to do when starting a blog is perhaps to plan ahead for maybe a week or two in advance. Starting off a blog impulsively is fine but you run the risk of running out of steam by the 3rd post and wondering what it is you actually wanna say. The purpose of your blog is something you're going to find hard to justify to yourself on a daily basis. Once you're over that little hurdle it's time to think of a name for your blog. Here I strongly advise against calling your blog anything like "Whatever" or "Just Started This Coz I was Bored." Be a bit more creative than that. Try and clarify or convey some sort of purpose in your title. There would have to be millions of half-arsed, 2 post blogs out there and calling your blog "Stuff" will likly convince potential readers that your blog is one of them. Anyway once your cool, new blog is up and running it's time to start the actual blogging process and belive me this is no easy task. If you imagine that a blog is like a child. You have to nourish it with regular, wholesome posts so that it becomes big and strong. But too many junk posts and your blog will become bloated and unattractive to look at. It might even become the victim of bullying by the other cool blogs. Speaking of bullying, going out and acting like a complete tool on the internet can actually be a good thing in terms of boosting your number of readers and it gives you something to post about if your imagination otherwise fails you. For example if I went out to some other random blogs and started leaving negative feedback they will probably get offended and either blog about you or comment on one of your blogs. If you retaliate there will be a bit of an online feud involving friends and fans and the potential for dragging more allies into the fray is slightly increased. Of course this may not always pay off. If you're a totally, unlikable douche then it is possible you will turn people off but then it's hard to say because even people who annonymously spout uninformed hate accross the net seem to get alot of readers (mostly because of that I'd say). Now this is actually something I've never personally stooped to. I've always challenged myself and held myself to a higher standard than that and have resisted using any cheap tricks to win over fans. There is also the option of sending compliments instead of stiring shit. Again this is a tactic I don't employ myself but keep in mind that my blog is slowing wanking itself into a horrid mess, so perhaps following what I do isn't the most prosperous move you could make.

PS if all else fails you could always try taking cheap shots at pornographic movies. I didn't even know anyone read my blogs until I did that.

Just One Last Thing...

I didn't wake up with a hangover the other morning. Had a pretty crazy night though which included watching a friend yelling at some sus 40 year old lesbian cowgirl and watching some other friends become the victims of some random acts of violence. Those dirty hoodlums. For shame.

Replaying Majora's Mask

Quite a large amount of the gaming community agree that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is one of the greatest games ever made ever. I remember my first moments with the game. Slotting that unique gold cartridge into my Nintendo 64 and becomming entrenched in a world of legend, adventure and an amazing amount of character depth. I spent much of my youth familiarising myself with this world. I played the game the whole way through many, many times. More times than any other game. I have never experienced anything like it since then.

Several years later there was to be a second Zelda game released on the Nintendo 64. I have just refamiliarised myself with it recently infact. So I thought that tonight I'd review The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask.

Majora's Mask is set immediately after the events of Ocarina of Time and see's Link stumble into a parallel world. It is a strange, twisted version of Hyrule (the world from OoT). Characters from OoT are reimagined and it's actually quite alot of fun to see how they've changed and how they've stayed the same to their OoT counterparts. It's quite a strange semi-nostalgic feeling actually. The tone of the game is much darker than any other in the Zelda series. I'm actually inclined to think that the world is dark, twisted, nostalgic and emotive because it reflects the way Link feels about leaving Hyrule; the world in which he was a hero. Majora's Mask is a story of regret, love, loneliness and annihilation.

Blah blah blah. Lets get on to gameplay. Many aspects of OoT's gameplay have returned but there are some interesting new additions. The main new feature is alot like Back to the Future. But instead of going back in time and making out with your mum Majora's Mask has you relive the same 3 days over and over in order to stop the moon from crushing the world. I guess it's a little more like groundhog day but then I wouldn't have been able to make wise cracks about Marty making out with his mum, so I stand by my choice of comparison. Anyway, because of this the game's main quest is substantionally shortened to make room for many more side-quests. Fear not because this is good for 2 reasons. One, the main quest is actually a bit harder than OoT anyway and two the side quests are based around interactions with all the characters in the world and getting to know their habits on a 3 day basis. Having said that though the time travel can be a bit frustrating. There's nothing like completing 45mins worth of a quest only to fuck upsomething major and have to travel back in time to start the whole damn thing over again. The game does accomodate for this in some respects by giving you options to speed up, slow down and skip ahead in time but it doesn't always cover all the damage. On the whole I think Majora's Mask is quite an excellent game but not quite on the same level as Ocarina of Time, but seeing as how Ocarina of Time is damn near perfect anyway I wouldn't let that trouble you too much. I'd give it 9/10.

(Yeah yeah I know it was a boring serious review but I'm struggling to come up with posts these days).

The Celebration

Dear Readers,
I am a little bit pissed right now (as in alcohol) because I just landed myself a job at Sam's Warehouse and my bro's and ho's had their last day at school today. Celebrations all round, I do declare. I must say that Sam's Warehouse (owned by Sam don'tcha know?) was mighty quick to get me on the team. I only handed my resume to them yesterday and 24 hours later I'm celebrating success.It certainly puts Sanity to shame, those guys left it to me to chase it up weeks later and even then it was prognosis negative. So I guess it's mood swings ahoy these days, what with being all bitter and twisted 2 days ago an all and now being super happy like a Japanese bubble gum factory (what the fuck am I on about?). Anyway, because I'm sooo good to my fans and because I love you alll sooo much (sheds a tear) I thought I'd let you know and I'll continue to keep you up to date with every little thing in my life that I feel like reviewing or writing about. Forgive all my inconsistancies, typo's and shitty articles coz I love all you cunts. I rant, I ramble, I blog. And I do it all for you.

PS. If I remember tomorrow's post might be a "Saterday Hangover Special"...stay tuned.

Chill Out Mr. B, Just Watch Some House to Take Your Mind Off

It's nice to occasionally be reminded I have readers. I blog day in and day out and only really get comments when I make refernces to porn or go completely nuts because I'm still miserably unemployed. Anyway after yesterdays outburst which seemed to make you all a little uncomfortable (thanks for the feedback guys) I actually felt alot better. The rest of my day was actually alot better. My aunt has offered me some reasonable summer time work (gardening and lawn mowing) out of sympathy for her pathetic nephew and in the 'eve I sat down with my bro's and ho's to watch the first episode of the brand new season of House. In case you've never heard of house I thought I'd better start by saying "get away from the computer, you'll break it! Go back to your cave!" That's right. Everybody knows who and what House is. Let me just say that House is one of my favourite things. It's right up there with Ghost in the Shell, The Games, Zelda and Cum Eating Asians (just thought I'd chuck that one in for old times sake). Season five is off to a captivating start and after the first episode I just wished I had the damn thing on DVD so I could punish the whole thing in a few days like the TV-to-DVD junkie I am. By the end of it all I had completely gotten over my Sanity insanity (Haw...Haw...Haw...). Anyway so today I was back on the horse riding into a sunset of employment. Armed with about 20 resumes I took to the streets in search of Positions Vacant. Crazy Clarks and the Reject Shop were both after Christmas staff and one of the bottle shops had just had someone leave, so fingers crossed.

PS. I know one of you will probably email me about how I didn't spend enough time talking about House, even though it's in the title. Don't bother. You know who you are.

The Interview Part II

"Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful this time." Fuck you Sanity! I can't belive they left me hanging for almost five days longer than they said they would. I'm sure they would've done so for longer too had I not been chasing them up all damn day. How do you end up with that job anyway? The one were you sit around promising to phone people but never fucking doing it. Jesus I am angry and bitter about this! It's so damn disheartening. Why don't people want me working for them? I would be fucking awesome. The kind of employee who would take all your crap, take pride in his job and do whatever's necessary. I would've made people feel awesome about buying whatever crap they listen to. "Yeah the new Pete Murray album is supposed to be really good." "I've heard great things about the Billie Joe Armstrong solo album."But oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I guess I'll just have to wait another couple of months or so until something else comes up for me.

Recaps and Changes

Just to recap how hard Alex Kidd in Miracle World really truely is just get a load of this pic. Last time I played this is where I got to. This is the furthest I've ever been in this game and I've pretty much given in at this point. Just remember that in THIS game Alex automatically floats upward and so as well as moving left and right it is also necessary to hold down at certain points. Not TOO much of course because then you'd simply get spiked from below. Fuck! That's all I can say.

Now I'm guessing that if there is anyone out there who is still interested at all in my blog they're probably wondering whether I got that Sanity job. The answer is...no idea. Miss Sanity at HR never called me back, despite her promise. I called up the local branch and quizzed the manager and he assured me that they should be calling back soon. "Give 'em a couple more days" he said. He explained that they're doing a LOT of interviews at the moment. So fair enough...I'll just wait some more and so will you.

Added a few "Gadgets" to my blog. You can now see what other blogs I read, subscribe to my blog and inflate my ego by becomming a fan. I currently have zero fans listed but I predict it will get pretty busy in that little box soon. So if you want some bragging rights for when I'm famous you should definately be the first to sign up. Another new change is that I've started wearing shorts. It went from fucking eskimo weather to flippin'...I dunno, it was just really hot, ok?

They Don't Make Them Like This Anymore

I know that at least a few of you can remember this game. Alex Kidd in Miracle World. I was playing this game with a friend this afternoon and let me tell you it can be pretty hard. Punching Pterodactils (a good spelling attempt there) in the face, jumping lava pits, running from ghosts and challenging bosses to rock, paper, scizzors can actually be pretty tough. It occured to me that games just aren't like this anymore. They've softened up. Become easier. Partly, I feel, due to better design, but more so due to the fact that video games are becoming a very popular form of entertainment. But in an attempt to please everyone games have started to lose their edge in some respects. This is probably why we're seeing such a strong return of the "oldschool" gaming era (particularly with the Super Nintendo). Don't get me wrong, I think that there are alot of fantastic games in the modern era (Portal, Braid, Zelda and Metroid just to name a few) and I think more are soon to come. But I don't remember the last time I felt as on edge as I felt this afternoon as I sat up, ridged as fuck, taping the jump and punch buttons, trying to time everything PER-FECT-LY! It was simple, punishing and addictive. The game wailed on us furiously but we always came back for more, just to see if we could push ourselves that little bit further into the next level. There are no saved games in Alex Kidd; game over sends you all the way back with nothing at all. All you can do is hope you've learned from your previous mistakes. Alex Kidd was never a perfect game and soon the ex-mascot would be tossed aside in favour of Sega's more well-known Sonic the Hedgehog. But Alex Kidd is a reminder of just how far we've come in the past couple of decades in terms of gaming and just how much as changed. For better and for worse.

Sonic VS. Mario

Here's a battle older than time itself. For many years now, as the young adults of today were growing up, a fierce war was waged between Sega and Nintendo. Phantasy Star against Final Fantasy; Master System against NES; CD against cartridge. But none of that compared to the all consuming ravialry between Sega's Sonic and Nintendo's Mario. The war has more or less died now that Sega has dropped out of the console wars to develope software, but I'm here today to put the 2 mascots back under the microscope and compare them to decide who is better once and for all.

Sidekicks

Every good hero needs a sidekick. Someone to bail them out of trouble, offer comic relief or even just someone whom the hero looks better than by comparison. Mario's usual and most popular sidekick is his brother Luigi. Luigi is often overshadowed by his more popular brother but Luigi is arguably better than Mario. Luigi can jump higher, is more easygoing and just isn't out to impress the way Mario is. The Paper Mario series always characatures him as the unnoticed, inperceptive and even cowardly sidekick but then when it comes time to prove himself as Mario's equal he never backs down. The truth is Luigi is quite a character all on his own, perhaps even more so than vanilla Mario. Then there's Sonic's sidekick Tails (or Miles "Tails" Prower for all you well read Sonic fans out there) who comes across as a pathetic, iritating child in desperate need of some "maning the fuck up." Tails is a little bitch, plain and simple. His theme tunes in the Sonic Adventure games are always sung by females and he seems to fall apart without Sonic there to hold his hand through it all. He's a sus dude alright. Winner - Mario

The Herioc Quest

A hero can only be a hero if he has a quest. Some good deeds to do, someone to save. Every hero needs to do something to earn that title. In Mario's case, the heroism extends as far as rescuing the same stupid Princess over and over and over in the vain hope of getting some pussy or maybe even just getting some money so that he can retire. Mario never seems to get much out of these quests other than the odd kiss or a cake. So how much good does Mario do? Not heaps to be honest. Sure he's determined to get some respect from Peach but all he ever does is rescue the same girl over and over. Surely there are others in more dire need than the incredably thick Princess. Sonic on the other hand has freed thousands of animals from the cruel experiments of a demented scientist, thwarted several plans for global dictatorship and even brought the world back from the brink of the Appocolypse on several occasions. He has some seriously boss adventures. Winner - Sonic

Theme Tunes

Every hero needs one of these, otherwise how would you know they were winning? Mario has kept his simple tune for many years now. It's as recognisable as tunes get these days. People remix it, rap over it and cover it on the piano, guitar and even in orchestras. Sonic on the other hand ditched his old 16 Bit tunes for Jap-Rock. Some people like that kinda stuff, I don't mind it too much at times but overall it's pretty shitty and it leaves Sonic without a consistant tune to call his very own. No orchestras, no remix, not even a ringtone. Mario smokes Sonic in this category. Winner - Mario

Selling Out

I think it's pretty safe to say that Mario wins this category hands down. Mario has been used to sell pasta, shampoo and all sorts of rubbish. Mario has had a gazillion guest appearances in shitty games and is probably only likely to get worse. Mario knows it too, the whole Paper Mario series seems to self-parody the situations Mario finds himself in these days. Not that Sonic is guilt free here either. Sonic's had his fair share of comic books and cartoons that don't fit together in the slightest. But seeing as how Sonic is less popular than Mario these days, Sonic just doesn't seem to sell the shirts the way Mario does. Winner - Mario

Brawlin'

There is one simple way to determine who is the champion mascot these days and that's by battling them out in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Of course the better player is the one who wins in the end, not the actual mascot. So I decided to set them both up as CPU's on the hardest dificulty. Items were turned off and the level was Final Destination so as to limit the amount of chance that was in play during this important battle. And the Winner is...MARIO!

It seems that despite all that Sonic had going for him he just couldn't beat Mario in a duel. I was surprised, I've always thought that the winner would be Sonic because of his speed and his spikey head (how's Mario gonna jump on that shit?). Seems my faith was missplaced on this occasion though. But Sonic holds a very special place in my heart. Sonic the Hedgehog was my first true obsession as a child and even though he just can't make a 3D game like Mario can, a part of me still loves him to bits.

The Interview part 1

I have spent all morning on my bed, phone by my side running over answers in my head in anticipation of the phone interview I was about to have. Yes, that's right. Mr. B could soon be working at the local Sanity store. Not only would this be a source of income it may also give me new posting topics. Anyway I had the interview and felt pretty good about it. At this point I'd like to say just how cool phone interviews are. None of this wondering if you'll look well dressed or like a mommy's boy, over the phone you're judged in areas I feel much more comfortable in. There I was, in a familiar and comfortable environment, trying to impress the interviewer in my PJ's. Anyway whether I get the job or not I'll be told by Friday and I'll pass the verdict on to you. Will it be a moment of glory or failure? Stay tuned and find out!

The Catch Up

Far out I've been shit to my blog the past week. If I.P. was my child then I'm pretty sure a concerned neighbour would have dobbed me in to the cops by now and my face would be all over the evening news. The truth of the matter is that the past week has been a fairly full one. Now because I'm fairly sure that the whole point of blogging is to inflict the tales of your own exciting (or boring) lives upon the public I feel that I should give a bit of a rundown on what I've been up to the past week.

Monday was one of the few days this week where I actually DID blog. After giving Femalien the thumbs down I played Super Paper Mario for a considerable hunk of the day. At some point later on in the evening My friends, brothers, girlfriend (just for the record I'm not one of those guys who calls his girlfriend "My Girlfriend" all the time like it's her name, I'm just not down with giving out names on my blog) and I went to the local art gallery to see the Year 12 Major Works Exhibition. Art, Dance, Music and Drama students all showed off their hard work and took comfort in the knowledge that at least one (maybe two or three for some students) large part of the HSC was over.

Tuesday I was feeling pretty guilty about the fact that I hadn't been doing any TAFE work the previous day. So what did I do? Well I went on a picnic with a few of my friends and had a jolly old time at the park until the weather turned against us. I then declined an offer to go to the movies because of that aweful feeling of falling behind I had got from ignoring TAFE the past couple of days.

Wednesday I did TAFE until about 7pm when I met up with a few of my friends to go see Cog live. I enjoyed the show immensly. I liked how close I could easily get to the band because of the smallish venue. Saw some sus chick whoring it up with two different guys and we got rubbish hurled at us for dissing on Disturbed. An awesome night out I'd say.

Thursday I woke up at the GF's house and looked after her for a while because she was unwell. When I got home I immediately went to The Escapist to watch the new Zero Punctuation video (did anyone follow that link when I posted about him? You can tell me he's shit if you like, I won't get offended). Played some Fable and NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams. Oh and I also posted that day, vowing never to miss a day of posting again.

Friday I didn't post again. Did a few Beardy's with some friends. Visited sick GF. Had dinner. Had a humiliating game of pool in an unfamiliar pool environment (our usual pick of the pubs for pool was having a filthy function and as a result excluded us fron the pool tables). Feeling ashamed we went to a friends house and watched 10 Items or Less for a little bit. Then I went home, woke up, ate breakfast, made myself a pretty bad coffee and wrote this boring post. Enjoy.

In the Dead of Night

As I have made mention of in previous posts I am unemployed and as an unemployed bum it is my duty to be awake at 1 or 2am every night. Sometimes I'll be playing through a game that I love more than food and showering and other times I'll be watching some late night TV. Now late night TV, as we all know I'm sure, can be a mixed bag. The mixed bag in this case is 90% soft core mobile phone porn, religious broadcasts and infomercials. The other 10% is what I consider to be a watchable television program. Anyway though lets just backtrack a little to talk about those fucking mobile ads. You know the ones right? "Free Adult Babe Videos" and what-have-you when all you want is to watch the rest of Flight of the Concords. Who actually buys this shit? If I wanted porn I'm quite capable of finding it for free on the net, my computer's also got a bigger and better screen than any mobile phone I've ever seen. I can just imagine the kind of seedy insomniacs who would subscribe to this shit, laying on the couch in front of the TV squinting at the boobies on their mobile screen. But then another thought struck me. As I mentioned earlier in the post I am unemployed and I'm pretty sure that the majority of people who are watching TV at this hour are in a similar situation. Somehow I can't see very many people with no incomes paying $4 (or whatever) for a girl in her underpants moaning and writhing around on her bed in a way that, to me, says "seizure" more than "orgasm." But whatever, I guess I don't really care who buys this shit. After all it's just some shitty mobile club designed to wring money out of unwary saps. So next time you're up late and all alone do yourself a favour, instead of paying a rediculous amount on money just go to the internet. Here's two sites for you that should help get you started (incase you're an idiot you probably shouldn't view these at work)

www.pichunter.com

www.youporn.com

Beam Me Up

Aside from being an extremely shitty Urban Dictionary entry by "doo doo dicky" (see picture to the left) Femalien is an extremely shitty erotica from 1996 that can be found in the "adult" section of your local video rental outlet. It features all the full frontal nudity and simulated sex you come to expect from an erotica but also has an aweful story that will amuse you with its crappiness for maybe 15 mins or so. Straight up, Femalien should not be confused for pornography. Although your mum may not care for the difference if she walks in on you watching it, Femalien is not porn. Just to make the difference between erotica and porn clear; porn is designed to show explicit scenes of sex whilst erotica is more a story with sexual themes. "Boring!" I hear my readers cry; so lets get down to the naughty bits. To it's credit Femalien features some hot chicks whose anatomy the viewer becomes quite accustomed to. That's about it for the good points, so to its' discredit Femalien features...

1. Horrible music during the "lovemaking"
2. The lamest sci-fi story which is...
3. ...made worse by terrible acting
4. Several scenes of boring simulated sex that nobody even seems into
5. Well that's about it actually, but 1-4 do feature in almost every scene in this damn movie

Anyway seeing as how I DID make a bit of a big deal about the whole Femalien-not-porn-it's-erotica thing I suppose I HAD better cover the story a little. Femalien is an alien sent to Earth on a mission to study the mating habits of humans. On Earth she takes on the appearance of a large breasted female and goes out to perve on couples, seduce men and women and sleep with some guy in order to help out one of her brand new Earth buddies (before fucking them). It's kind of ironic that this disguise of hers is so revealing most of the time, don'tcha think? I mean in the traditional sense a disguise puts you in mind of large trenchcoats, dark glasses or even one of those humorous glasses, fake nose with moustache combos you can get at party shops. Actually this whole movie kinda gives off those party shop vibes. I can just imagine this movie being watched at a buck's party whilst waiting for the strippers to come. I also thinks it rather strange that after the seduction the Femalien beams her prey to her love pad and the subject of her sexual experiment hardly seems to care. A quick look about and the utterance of "weird, how did you do that?" followed by a vague answer like "I have magnetic attraction" is all that is required to put their minds at rest before they get it on. I personally, in this situation, would question a little further than that.

"Seriously! I'm not fucking around! How did you do that? I need answers. Look, if there isn't a completely inncoent answer as to why I am all of a sudden on your bed I'm leaving. So if you just let me call a taxi or something I'll be on my way."

Kameo Review

Kameo is a fairly old Xbox 360 game by now but I've recently played it through so I thought I'd have a shot at reviewing it. The story goes that Kameo's sister, Kalus, is a jealous bitch who, in reaction to Kameo inheriting the powers she wanted, awakens the King of the Trolls, Thorn. Kameo has her powers stolen and must get them back again one by one and then beat Thorn blah blah blah. The plot isn't that exciting or complex because this is a game for all ages. That's not to say it's a kids game exactly, more like, say, a Mario or Banjo Kazooie game that can be enjoyed by everyone for any number of reasons. Kameo is not, however, as good as Banjo Kazooie (both games incidentally are made by Rare). Throughout the game I felt that Kameo actually came close to being a great game at times but there was always a control issue or bad design that constantly inhibited the fun. Pressing both triggers at the same time to execute a specific attack, for example, is unnecessarily clumsy when the 2 perfectly good bumper buttons go unused. Character movement also feels a bit loose at times, with the controls either being over sensitive or unresponsive. Another example of bad design is when you are given the task of protecting a giant...thing while he walks along and breaks down gates for you. Sounds reasonable enough but protection missions can be pretty shitty sometimes and this one was particularly bad when the giant was crossing a bridge and in the process blocking it off from me. So whilst I struggled to circumnavigate this large creature about 20 enemies were happily slicing at his giant Achilles tendons, completely unchallenged. The game is also a little short but I can't say that I found this to be too much of a problem because had it in fact been any longer it would've only drawn more attention to it's lacking design. Anyway, in the end Kameo is a short game that can be gotten relatively cheaply these days. There's enjoyment hidden away behind some flaws but maybe Kameo would be best enjoyed as a rental, not a purchase. 7/10

One Part Scorn and Two Parts Love

If you happen to be one of the people unfortunate enough to be constantly exposed to me you will probably have noticed I'm pretty lazy when it comes to shaving. Of course growing facial hair has been a recent trend amounst my friends so maybe you haven't. The truth is though I hate shaving. Standing shirtless in your bathroom dragging a razor across your face whilst water turns cold on your body is not a pleasant experience. But the real unpleasantness will set in about a day later when your beard has rounded up more troops and gone on the offensive, causing an infuriating itch and giving you an unsightly rash. Scratching all the time can be a particularly good way to become less actractive and taken less seriously but on the other hand I'm not the kind of guy who can grow an awesome beard either and eventually the beard itches anyway; thus resulting in a lose - lose situation in which I just wish I could lurk in the middle somewhere avoiding the worst of both extremes.

Anyway because I've only just realised how short the post will be if it is exclusively on the topic of shaving I have decided it is time at long last for me to publically praise Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. It is pretty much my favourite TV series. It is intelligent, philosophical and it warrents repeated viewing so that you can completely get your head around what it is they're suggesting. It makes you think and when you finally start to get it it makes you feel smart. All very good points. Unfortunately there ARE 2 things I dislike about it. One minor niggle is that the second season in named Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd Gig which is punishing to say in a sentence. It is perhaps lucky that people who watch alot of Sci-fi anime don't really have friends and so therefor aren't burdened with the task of having to pronounce the title out loud. That of course is a minor issue in the face of the larger one. There are these unnescessarily annoying AI characters that frequently adulterate this perfect series with their chirpy, child-like voices. The other characters seem completely oblivious to the overexcited nature of these AI units and actually *groan* grow attached to them. In one of the episodes it is actually revealed that these AI characters can actually willfully change their voices, making me question just how intelligent these AI's really are if their opting for the most horridly grating voices possible. I know I've probably made this show sound really aweful at this point, choosing to focus on the negatives but the way I figured it would be easier to say "it's perfect appart from this one little thing" than say "here is a long and thorough list of why GITS:SAC is awesome." Also, I'd like to add, on the off-chance that someone will actually listen and attempt to watch this show, that the series is a little slow to start. By the third episode it should be in full swing though.

A TV Sunday

On Sunday when I crawled out of bed I was in no condition to do anything other than lay on the lounge and watch TV. It was horrible Sunday TV so you can imagine the state I was in. Anyway I clicked around for a while and ended up watching the latter half of some rigidly formulaic movie starring Chevy Chase (how could you?) and some stupid 90's kid. The cool thing about it was the Indian version of the Scouts that all the characters took part in. There were many horrid stereotypes popular of the 90's movie perid such as the incompotent "baddies," the "trying his best" stepdad and the "you're not my father," plotting stepson. Something I found amusingly uninformed was when the kids started talking about gaming (*groan* go my readers). I guess it was the 90's and the internet was just a series of strange noises so the writers could be forgiven for not being able to look up "popular games" on the internet. So when the kids talk about "Super Evil Martian Zapper 3000" (or whatever they supposed was an accurate game title) I had to smile at the poor old writers who were just trying to make the kid seem cool.

Anyway next up was this show called something along the lines of Hunters Hunted. It's one of those "increadable survival", reinacted thingies that always feature the most raspy, American voice overs. Seriously this guy sounded like he had only just been hunted himself and he decided to do the voice over from his hospital bed. Why do they have to TRY so damn hard to wring all the drama out of these stories as humanly possible? It's over dramatisation to the extreme. To the max. Pushin' it to the EDGE! Sorry about that. Anyway it was a bit shitty.

Then in an attempt to avoid whatever came on this channel next (can't remember, but it was less appealing than Hunters Hunted, which is saying something) I flipped over and ended up watching a show called Weighing In (or the Weigh In or something) which was pretty entertaining. It was one of those shows where you either laugh at or feel sorry for (don't kid yourselves) fat kids struggling to stop eating. I mean seriously the interviewer asked the kids what their favourite foods were, somewhat mocking their plight. This was the best thing I watched all day. There was this hilarious boy of middle eastern background who said the funniest stuff. Quoting him just can't do him justice because his delivery was spot on. I want to watch it again, but I can't see it in this weeks The Guide (+ Icon). Anyway it was about 4pm at this stage and I finally felt up to eating something and getting changed out of my PJ's. The End.

36 Crazy Fists

Before I put on my reviewer's hat I'd just like to say that the DVD coner for 36 Crazy Fists (aka The Blood Pact) is a large collection of lies. The front cover features a large and recent picture of Jackie Chan striking a cool pose. This is a lie because the film is from 1977 and does NOT star Jackie Chan. Chan does (I believe) direct it however. It's actually hard to establish what is true and what is false because the DVD cover contradicts itself and the movie in many places. But I digress.

36 Crazy Fists is a martial arts/comedy movie and features some of the worst dubbing I've ever seen. I'm sure you've heard THAT before but I'd just like to point out that there would never have been a village in ancient China where every resident had a cockney accent. But it's not just the dubbing, some of the dialogue appears to be quite poorly translated. But whatever right? It's a martial arts movie not fucking Amelie, the dialogue is hardly the point. All that matters is that it's funny and the fighting is cool. Whilst this is not the greatest martial arts movie I've ever seen it certainly delivers some decent fighting and chucks in some reasonably funny jokes. For a little while at the films beginning I was a little concerned that this would be another Princess Blade; failing to deliver on what it promises. But after about 10-15 minutes of patchy storytelling the movie picks up and the choreography kicks in. Again, it's decent but nothing you wouldn't have seen before. Perhaps the most enjoyment to be gotten here is found in the age of the film itself. It's about 30 years old, lacks visual quality, has a pretty shitty story that is only worsened by the choppy translations. These may sound like bad things but in a way it's kind of endearing. It has an oldschool charm to it. You may be underwhelmed but then you remember that this was before special effects and there is not a stunt double to be seen. In a way it's kind of hard to say what I thought of this movie. For every good point there's a bad one, but I still managed to enjoy it.

News Just In!

Just this minute watched another episode of Growing Up Creepie. I changed my mind...it sucks.

What's the Point?

It's Friday, the end of another blogging week and I thought I'd end the week on a simple note. Why do people cook with poppy seeds? They're in our muffins, on our bread. Ok so I'm nit-picking again but just to demonstrate my point let me just list the criteria I personally think need to be met in order to use an ingredient

1. Adds flavour


2. Adds to the texture


3. Adds to the presentation

First point to be disregarded is flavour. I have tasted poppy seeds by themself as a test of this and I found it to have no distinguishable flavour. There is however a definate texture, but is it really a desirable one? They're just gritty and unpleasant. They're like a more hygenic substitute for droping the dish in the dirt. Lastly, the presentation. Well I can't deny that the orange and poppy seed cake LOOKS better for having the poppy seeds in them. I guess that's the point, it looks cool. But the enhanced appearance of a desert seems like a small benefit in regards to the reduction in your own appearance when you beautiful smile is compromised by all the small black poppy seeds stuck in your teeth.

The Thursday Morning Ritual Plus Some Other Shit

This morning I got up and like I did last Thursday (and indeed have done practically every Thursday since about Christmas) I watched the new Zero Punctuation video. Zero Punctuation is a weekly video game review series by a guy called Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw who incidentally landed himself a job through his own website, or indeed, blog. Don't think I haven't noticed all you folks out there on "the web" casting doubt on the whole blog scene in what I can only assume is an undercover attempt to create a blog, infiltrate the community and bring us down from the inside. You don't fool me though, I can spot that fake moustache a kilometer off (we do use metric after all). Anyway, Zero Punctuation is worth checking out, even if you aren't really a gamer.

Here's a link http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation

Anyway this week he reviews Braid. A game that I myself recently downloaded from the Xbox Live Marketplace and have been enjoying thoroughly . But I'm not actually here to talk about Braid. I'm here to say how shitty I think the whole "Microsoft Points" system you must use in order to buy the games from Xbox Live Marketplace is. Here's a rundown on how it works.

1. In the REAL world you use your REAL money to buy Microsoft Points



2. You sign into Xbox Live and start shopping around



3. You see something you wanna "buy" and you pay for it with Microsoft Points

It sounds fair enough (if a little arbitrary) but there IS a catch. You see you can only buy points in certain increments. As an example I bought a 2000 point card the other day and only needed 1200 of those for Braid. So what happens to the left overs? Well they're still there as points but I can't get them back as money if I don't want anything else. It's like you're being forced to let Microsoft, one of the richest multinational corporations in the world, "keep the change." Microsoft aren't the only ones either, Nintendo uses Wii Points to buy Virtual Console and WiiWare games in the same way. I have 200 Wii points on my Wii that can't buy anything and can't be exchanged for money. To use them I'd have to buy more Wii points to add to the pile. Why can't I, oh I dunno, buy the the games I want with MONEY! All this points buisiness is deceptive and silly. What it all boils down to is buying money that can ONLY be used at one very specific store. I just hope that it stops here. Imagine if you had to buy points for every store you shopped at. Imagine if you couldn't use the change you got from buying an awesome shirt to buy a Coke from another store? It would be fucked, that's the answer.

The Urban Dictionary Experience

About 2 weeks back a friend of mine received a message using a term that neither of us were familiar. Not to panic, we both thought. The Urban Dictionary will have the answers. So we googled "Urban Dictionary" and clicked the appropriate url and looked up the term "graped out" (the misunderstood term in question). Anyway turns out that the urban dictionary is a little behind my friend as it didn't know what we were on about either. So my friend decided to admit his ignorance in exchange for an explanation. Here it is:

graped out/ adj the state of being drunk off wine or "goon"

I hope that's the correct definition, it was a while ago now. But anyway all this is kinda beside the point. The point is that whilst on Urban Dictionary my friend and I thought it would be a "cool idea" to subscribe to the site; thus getting a cool new colloquialism sent to my inbox everyday so that I may impress all my friends with it's use. That's what I thought I'd get. As it turns out alot of the words I get sent are either too specific for me to use or just plain shitty. For every decent slang term I get 10 or so aweful portmanteau words.

portmanteau words/ noun a word made by telescoping or blending two other words

Just thought I'd help you out there with that one. So anyway the experience is a little lacking. There's always the oportunity to unsubscribe which every email I get reminds me of, giving the impression that they're actually a little embarrased about this service of theirs. But I'm the kinda person who can't help but wonder what he's missing out on. Unsubscribe and I might miss my chance to learn a really REALLY cool word. So I'll just put up with the lame ones for a little while longer. I guess this is what comes from a community wiki site. People just wanna make their own little word and make it big. To this I shrug and say "fair enough" but if you really REALLY wanna make it big you should just write an awesome blog.

(comment and tell me that blogging has changed me)

Public Notice

This post is just to let you know that I'm currently looking for a logo design for my blog (the one you're reading). I'm not the most artistic dude out there and so I thought I'd give my loyal readers the chance to express how they feel about my blog. Ok so it sorta smacks of being a bit lazy on my part, but I really would like to see what you guys come up with. Just suggsting is all.

A Look Back on The Games

No, it's not what you're thinking. I'm not going to rant on and on about Beijing until the opening cermony in London. But seeing as how we're already in the Olympic spirit I want to look back on The Games. It was an ABC mockumentary that aired in the leadup to the Sydney 2000 Olympics. Anybody remember it? If you don't there's no reason to panic, I'm here to enlighten you. First up I'm gonna just come clean and say

"The Games is my all time favourite Australian comedy"

- Mr.B

You can sure as hell quote me on that. Hell, you can insult people on my behalf who say anything to the contrary. You could name other Aussie comedies all day longs if you like but I'll say the same thing every time. The Games is better. If that's not a recommendation then I don't know what is. I actually sorta don't want to talk about it too much because if anything that will make you less inclined to watch it. So let me just toss a few facts your way.

1. 
   
   If you like Frontline or The Hollowmen, you should watch it


2. 
   
   If you're a fan of Gina Riley from Kath and Kim, you should watch it


3. 
   
   If you even mildly enjoy John Clarke and Brian Dawe do their comedy interviews on the 7:30 report, you should watch it


4. 
   
   Mockumentaries? Watch it


5. 
   
   Olympic Scandal? Watch it


6. 
   
   Political Sceptic? Watch it


7. 
   
   Watch it? WATCH IT!

Goodbye Beijing

Do not fret, I'm not going to review the Closing Ceremony. What I AM going to do is ask a simple question in the hope of it being answered or at least acknowledged. There was one thing missing these games. Where the hell were Roy and HG? I was looking forward to their special occasion antics. Roy and HG have had a show going for every major sporting event since the Sydney 2000 Olympics all those years ago. Ok, that's one complaint down but I've got more. Channel Seven should be fucking banned from broadcasting the Olympics. They are absolute RUBBISH at it. It's not just their moronic commentary; viewers are subjected to barrages of shitty montages and ads for the shows that will be coming on after the Olympics. Fuck you Seven Network. You had actual events to broadcast. E-fucking-vents. That's what you paid millions to broadcast you chimps. I recall watching a whole event get cut down to just the winning performance. My whole family was outraged. There need to be fucking standards when dishing out Olympics Broadcasting Rights, 5 sacks with dollar signs on them and blowjobs aren't going to cut it anymore. Remember the world complaining that China didn't meet the human rights standards necessary to host the Olympics? Well I think there should be rules for broadcasters aswell. Rules that must be obeyed, for the punishment shall be based around sackwhacking and sevre nipple twisting. I really hope the IOC is listening.

9 Songs

I remember the first time I heard about 9 Songs. It's the only time I can recall when At the Movies with Margaret and David had a parental advisory warning before screening. You see 9 Songs was quite controversial at the time because had many scenes in it that fully displayed unsimulated sex. None of this two lumps moving around under the covers accompanied by giggles and "woohoo"ing (ala The Sims), when the characters in the movie have sex, so too do the actors. That's right kids! ACTUAL penises in ACTUAL vaginas and a camaraman who gets in so close I'm surprised the lense didn't fog up. Naturally this kinda movie must've caused all types of hassels for the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The big issue of the time was whether this movie was art or porn. This is a question that gets tossed around quite a bit and there are people who will, by default, immediately side with one or the other. At first the OFLC gave it an X rating akin to a porno flick but they revised that decision soon after and gave it an R. Now where do I stand on the issue? Personally I don't think it is porn for one important reason, I CARED about the characters. The film definately has intentions other than causing erections and starting a war between Christian Mothers Groups and Bill Henson supporters. There's a story here to be told through the sex and even though it's heavily improvised it's done magnificently. Also the movie features 9 live perfomances (hence the title) of various artists, so the music is pretty awesome aswell, even if you aren't Franz Ferdinand's biggest fan.

These "9 Songs" are:

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Whatever Happened To My Rock And Roll"
The Von Bondies, "C'mon, C'mon"
Elbow, "Fallen Angel"

Primal Screem, "Movin' On Up"

Dandy Warhols, "You Were The Last High"
Super Furry Animals, "Slow Life"
Franz Ferdinand, "Jacqueline"
Michael Nyman, "Nadia"
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Love Burns"

PS. The movie seriously has a running time of 69 minutes. Also, I'd like to know if anyone else thinks that the guy playing the male lead in this movie looks like Niko Bellic from GTAIV (he's the one on the left).

Spending Up Creepie

Of all the subcultures in the world these days I've always thought that goth was one of the pricier ones to be a part of. With all the piercings, makeup and a cows worth of leather in their outfit just looking goth is hard on the wallet and you haven't even bought any Cradle of Filth albums yet. It appears that I'm not the only one to realise this; there's alot of gothic-style brands and merchandise these days (Emily the Strange anyone?). The idea behind this seems to be that companies can take a kid who rubs the jocks the wrong way and helps them to embrace their less-than-sunny disposition by selling them products that make them feel a part of something. To maximise the number of people buying freaky contact lenses the companies realise that they need to make goth both mainstream and cool. Goth-style in kids entertainment is one way to do this. Here's where Growing Up Creepie comes in.

It's been a while since I've posted about a show on Rollercoaster, the last one was Zoey 101 which coincidently comes on just after Growing Up Creepie. GUC treads a fine line between being Goth and being 9 year old friendly. Creepie lives in a brooding mansion with her insect family (no seriously, her mother's a praying mantis); she wears alot of makeup, has multi coloured streaks in her hair and has one eyebrow permanently raised. There's no denying she's goth influenced but by making her a hero and giving her a diverse posse takes the edge away just a little and makes her accessable to kids. Another thing they do in these shows is make everybody else a misinformed moron. This is probably what I find most annoying about these shows. I'm all for goths but when they start heading in the "superior outcast" direction (quoting my friends there, can't remember who said it first though) I find it a little tiresome. In some ways I found GUC to be like a pre-teen Daria. I'm a huge fan of Daria and so this may sound like a compliment, but GUC has no elements of satire or social understanding. In the end though I don't think GUC is that bad, I'm fairly indifferent actually. Kinda makes for a lackluster post huh? Well that's too bad 'coz I've already written it and I'm not writing another one. But hey, at least you've learnt that goths and inects are related.

PS. I promise I'll be funny again one of these days...