Pirates II - Stagnetti's Revenge

Just a quick little post this time because quite honestly if you've reviewed one Pirates movie you reviewed 'em all. So yeah the first Pirates movie was apparently successful enough to warrent a sequel which follows heavily in it's fathers footsteps. Much of the old cast is back, porn and non-porn roles alike, plus there's some fresh new faces ready to sample some of that pirate bounty for themselves.

So what's the story? Well our old friend Captain Edward Reynolds is back and is seen dictating his heroic deeds from the last film whilst posing in the mirror like the insecure, dimwit we know he is. Actually if I had to describe this character to someone I'd say he's just a pirate version of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama, he even does the same self-gratifying "captain's logs" that Zapp does. Anyway it's at this early point in the film that they set up one of several running gags in the film, in which everybody gives credit for the victory at the last movies conclusion to the gunner of the ship, rather than Reynolds himself. Other gags include the never-acted-upon sexual tension between Reynolds and Jules, his commanding officer and childhood best friend. Meanwhile there are these new Chinese pirates who are doing a bunch of supernatural stuff to bring the infamous Victor Stagnetti back to life. Yeah so it seems that Pirates II has a much more oriental bent than its predecessor with no less than two asian characters engaging in the rompy pompy, which is quite nice as a change. So yeah the story is just as silly and goofy as before, which is kinda how we wanted it to be right?

Something of a change in the sequal is the amount of action scenes. Pirates II has a noticably larger number of action scenes than it's predecessor, as long as you don't count sex as action of course. I actually appreciated this and I guess it's what comes from having a budget eight times the size of the original. So yeah, all the high production values are still there and the whole pirate theme is still done really well and from the way the story in this one concludes I'd say that Pirates is likely to become a trilogy. But here's my gripe with this movie. You see the thing about the original movie was that it broke new grounds, it was a landmark in pornographic filmaking philosophies. Sure it was goofy and made light of itself but in all seriousness it was a very important moment in the history of film and the sex industry. So where the first movie represented growth the second movie, with a strong hint of a third, represents stagnation. I said in my original Pirates review that I couldn't wait to see where they went next and all they're really doing is going in circles here. I'd personally like to see the gap between porn and mainstream film narrow and blur a little more. I'd like other themes explored. I'd even like to see them make a porn film with a big budget and longer narrative that isn't fun or cheesy, but romantic or beautiful. Perhaps I'm simply demanding too much at this stage but surely I can't be the only one who sees porn as a relatively unexplored artistic medium for human expression...can I?

P.S. I'm also a little peeved that Sasha Grey didn't get more err....ahem..."screen time." But that's just because she's pretty much my favourite porn star so I wouldn't let it worry you. Yeah that's right I have a favourite porn actress. Judge me.

Pirates XXX

Pirates is something of a landmark film in the world of pornography. Made back in 2005 it gained a reputation for it's exuberant story, comparitively large budget and it's use of special effects. It's a sign of the times really, porn has become mainstream and pornstars are becomming household names. That said, some of the biggest names in porn appear in Pirates. So I thought that given I'm prone to pornographic blogging at times and that Pirates is something of a rite of passage for bloggers I thought I'd get myself organised and give it a review.

So I'll bet you're wondering about the story am I right? Well the story, like all atempts at pornographic stories, is silly. But it's actually a lot of fun. It's more like a spoof or parody than the usual porn stories which are really a little more like playing out scenarios involving pool cleaners and bored housewives. Pirates is about (drumroll please) pirates. But to be a bit more accurate the movie centers on Captain Edward Reynolds, a so-far unsuccessful, nieve and unaware pirate hunter who has taken it upon himself to take down the infamously ruthless pirate Stagnetti. Meanwhile Stagnetti is doing some mean shit to a bunch of folk because he's trying to get some thing that'll make him even more powerful. Caught up in the middle of the fray are a newlywed couple who, just after consumating their marriage, are torn apart by Stagnetti. Basically it's and even more tenuous and sketchy plot than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies which they are obviously taking the piss out of. But that doesn't matter for 2 reasons. One, it's a whole lot of fun. Two, it allows for a variety of sexual encounters between various characters. Speaking of sex, the movie goes for around 2 hours and probably contains around 40-50 mins of actual sex. The rest is dialogue and exposition. So even though it's fun it does kinda drag on a bit. I suggest you intervene with some coffee and snack breaks if you intend of watching it in one sitting.

Story aside, the actual pirate concept is really quite solid. Costumes look great as do the set pieces and the makeup. The special effects mostly look pretty good but do at times look dodgy, especially shots of the sailing ship. I also like how they replace the usual sleazy, jazzy, weirdo-guitar-effecty porn music with more fitting orchestral pieces and the like. You'll really believe that lesbian pirate action is happening in the hull of a creaky wooden ship. Not JUST lesbian action mind you. There's girl on girl, guy on girl, guy on 2 girls and even this elaborate scene in which a guy and a girl are tied to a support in a burning storehouse ant the guy must have sex with another girl for their freedom whilst the other girl waits impatiently. It actually makes me laugh to imagine someone overdubbing that scene with the song 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon, but I digress. Personally I thought this concept was done extraordinarily well and I hope we see more porn done like this. I suppose the next logical step is ninjas right?

Now for my gripe. Because this movie was pretty expensive to make and in a way it's quite niche the DVD is quite expensive to buy. The DVD can be bought in an R-rated and X-rated version, although from a value standpoint I can't see why you'd opt for a censored porn film. As far as the actual porn parts go it's pretty simple stuff too, nothing too elaborate or dirty. Just simple genital fun coupled with some hilarious dialogue and hammy acting. But cost aside (I'm sure many of you will find a way around the cost anyway) I'd recommend watching Pirates to pretty much anyone because it's a hell of a lot of fun and pretty inoffensive as far as porn is concerned. Any movie in which a person says "I'm the greatest pirate hunter in the world" during orgasm is hard for me to pass up.