You get a special double helping of both dinosaur action and tastey, tastey Jeff Goldblum today as we review the Steven Spielberg films of Jurassic Park and its sequal The Lost World.
In Jurassic Park Jeff Goldblum plays Dr Ian Malcolm, an out-there chaos theorist with a sharp wit and something of a rockstar disposition. Let me just say that Dr. Malcolm and the old guy that founds the park are the best characters in Jurassic Park. Dr. Malcolm has the best lines and is the most likeable whilst the old guy (John I believe his name is) is a sympathetic character who's dreams and ambitions are the foundations for the disasters that follow. The other characters are Spielberg's classic stereotypes that he shoehorns into all his damn movies. There's the sassy woman, the worried lawyer, the stupid stupid kids and the guy-who-hates-kids-at-the-start-but-then-grows-quite-attached-to-them-because-survival-brings-people-together-and-really-makes-you-appreciate-things-in-a-whole-new-light. All THESE fucktards are about as deep and well developed as a cardboard cutout with a speech bubble stuck to it. But at least we have the other two characters who are more than able to carry the rest thr...oh fuck Dr. Malcolm broke his leg and will be ignored from now on. Guess that fucks that up. In the Lost World Dr. Malcolm returns with a much needed increase in his lines and the movie is made all the better for it. Mind you the characters in this one are stupidly stereotypical and flat aswell. There's the child, the stubborn girlfriend, the greedy capitolist bastard, the hunter and the COMPLETE DICKHOLE ENVIRONMENTALIST GUY WHO GETS OTHER PEOPLE KILLED BY ATTEMPTING SURGERY ON AN INJURED BABY T-REX AND BY DELIBERATELY STEALING BULLETS FROM PEOPLE'S GUNS. I mean seriously this guy is a self righteous fucktard wanker who I personally wanted to kick in the balls til they poked through his brain. Sounds harsh but he is truely a douchebag you need to see to believe.
Another problem I have with this movie is how often you'll be yelling at the characters to stop being stupid. Characters carry guns but never fucking use them, they just stand there and scream. Just kill it you moron, you can scream all you want once it's dead. Now that we're on the topic of screaming and acting like mindless servings of food I feel it would be silly not to metion the children at this point. The children who turn on flashing lights so that the nearby dinosaur can definately see them. The chilren who need to be saved regularly by other, less stupid characters. The children who even when they have the brilliant idea to draw dinsaurs away from other characters with noise, execute it in a stupid way by drawing the dinosaurs to themself rather than thowing something as to make alot of noise that is not near them or indeed anybody. You'll resent those goddamn kids lemme tell you that for nothing (the asking price for all my worldly insights).
But complaints aside the movies are both well paced, intense, action packed and funilly enough believeable. I believed that dinosaurs really were feasting on people, especially in the second one which lends more special effects power so that the deaths are more explicit rather than implied. I must say I am a big fan of the second one with its increased violence, death toll and indeed Jeff Goldblum ratio. But then the second movie does something so stupid that it kinda wrecks it all. Within the last half hour of the movie the capitolst wanker character stupidly decides to take the T-Rex off the secluded island and bring it to the city, for the public to enjoy. Of course this is just Steven Spielberg setting up a completely dumb, destructive action aside that fails to serve the plot in any way at all. Sure it's kinda cool to see old Rex headbutt a bus and chase a crowd of Japanese through the streets BUT it came at a very large cost. All of a sudden I said to myself "hang on! Dinosaurs getting cloned from DNA? Frogs filling in the DNA gaps? Animal experts acting inexpertly? This can't happen, it's IMPOSSIBLE!" It is at this point the movie stops being immersive and believable and starts being just a plain ol' popcorn and coke movie. It's the point at which Spielberg coaxes the plot away from Michael Crichton's carefully crafted text and descides to go for a big blockbuster action copout wank. Sure it's cool and might even stimulate your need to see things obliterated but it's at the cost of all the subtlety both the movies had been working so hard at. In the first movie they withold the dinosaur action a fair bit at the start to built suspense. The characters drive past the pens wanting to see them but they aren't in view. Now here we have one smashing up shit in the middle of the city. The rampage itself leaves a lot of questions unanswered as well. Where the fuck is the army? Or some sort of city defence? They have a large preditor tearing shit up for about 20 mins and the only response is for the main characters to lure the animal back to the ship to trap it by using it's offspring as bait. For fucksake KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS YOU! ARE YOU STUPID? THIS THING WANTS YOU ALL DEAD! STOP CARING ABOUT IT! IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT NATURE YOU'D KILL IT BECAUSE TECHNICALLY IT IS AN INTRODUCED SPECIES ANYWAY! THAT AND YOU SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT NATURE WHEN IT WANTS YOU ALL DEAD!!!
Now that my 100th post is up I thought I'd just make a quick post in regard to upcoming content. The next few posts will all be movie reviews. Movies with Jeff Goldblum in them. I shall call it "An Evening with Jeff Goldblum" (I watched all these movies in a single evening/night) and it shall be great.
I have been toying and tinkering around with the idea of doing a 100th post celebration for a while now. At first I kind of thought I'd avoid that kinda thing as most things that celebrate their own existance tend to do so in a very boring way (think TV specials here). Besides celebrating a 100th post in this case implies that there are actual readers/loyal fans who are willing to join the celebrations...which I daresay there aren't. But on the other hand it's not everyday you're blog turns 100 (or whatever), which is the classic excuse everybody uses to cover up for the fact that they're about to jerk off, albiet creatively, in your face. So to avoid being too obtuse I decided the just make the 100th post a really big one comprised of many smaller semi-posts that each cover something I regularly post on. There's a bit of gaming commentary, a rant about something unsatisfactory, some special guest bloggers and even something brand spanking new and experimental that I've never done before (it's a video). Sounds kinda ok yes? Then let's get on with the show!
A Car Stereo Rant A dear friend of mine recently had a 21st that I had to travel to get to. I hitched a ride with another dear friend and we all had a simply amazing weekend. To quote Dave "this is the best!"
On the way up and back we wanted to listen to music, it being a fairly lengthy trip and all. But there was a problem with that plan. The car had recently had its battery changed or some shit and as a result the car stereo had been tricked into thinking it was stolen and the security lock out was triggered. So all we needed to do was enter the code...but we didn't have it. Apparently they were never told the code. So we spent a fair hunk of time punching in four digit numbers trying to guess the code. Of course we never unlocked it. But my point is what the hell is the point in these gay security lockouts? They just fuck the owners over. I mean say the stereo were stolen, I would not give a single shit whether it worked for them or not. I mean I'm not gonna see it again so it's meaningless to me whether the criminal underground can pump their tunes or not. It's not as though the thieves will go "aww shit, it don't work or nuttin' without the code, let's break into the car again and return it." All it does is guarantee that the owner will have to either memorise another fucking four digit number to add to the pile of four digit numbers that life requires of you these days or make lengthy phonecalls to automated machines and try and figure out if you push 1 for the product being broken or push 2 to enquire about their security policies. Fuck you car stereo manufacturers!
Approximate Game Length
I'm sure that many of you have noticed that on the back of DVD (and indeed VHS) cases they tell us approximately how long the feature film on the disk takes to finish watching. Sounds fair enough right? It's a good idea to let people know how much time they're going to have to invest in this thing. They might not have enough time to watch all 3 hours of The Fellowship of the Ring in one sitting. Now I just have one question to ask. Why haven't games been given the same treatment? Why can't I be given a rough idea how much time I'll be needing to invest before I see the game reach a conclusion? It's probably even more important for games because where movies range from about 90mins to 80 mins games can range from a few hours to over 60 hours. Some games are a massive investment and it'd be nice to have a heads up before embarking on such a journey. I realise there exist a few complications that make the actual length of a game a little more ambiguous than a movie. A movie's length is always the same whereas game length can be a bit iffy given different levels of skill aswell as sidequests and the like. But really though surely they can give us something? I can occasionally find stuff like this out on online forums and they've all been accurate. So if one guy on a forum can give an accurate stab at it surely the actual game studio could aswell? Just get some of the game testers to run through the main story and average it out or something. I can't be that hard and it would only make our lives easier.
And now ladies and gentlemen, give an exceptionally warm welcome to Hanna from B is for Blog who took time out of her busy schedule today to make a special appearance on the Infinite Possiblogities 100th Post Spectacular.
Weird Inventions 101
It has come to my attention that in the past being an Inventor held some sort of prestige in the Job World. There was a true discrimination against pointless inventions which were instantly recognised and tossed out like the rubbish they were.
In the old days people like Thomas Edison designed the light so that we would not burn through the candle supply faster than the church on Good Friday. They were truly respected. These days its not so tough. Magazines such as Innovations bandy about “new inventions” that, quite frankly, the world could do without.My good pal, Mr. B., has pointed out such horrid inventions one of his past blogs about the Sexy Egg Fryer. It ended up at Sam’s Warehouse; a liquidation store. Need I say more?
So here are just a few of the inventions that are weird, whacky and mildly amusing.
Weird Invention 1
The toilet flush sound effect button.
This invention’s sole purpose is to mask the sound of people pissing in public and private toilets. The reason for its creation? Japanese women were embarrassed to go to the bathroom as others could hear them whizzing and the blushing dames could not face coming out of the bathroom and facing their listeners. Possibly the way Allen Jones felt when the Chaser comes to call. Originally these bashful babes would flush the toilet before AND after doing number 1s. This caused massive concern about the amount of water being wasted; especially considering the population of Japan. My point here really is: Is the flush really less embarrassing than what’s filling to toilet? I mean, really? It’s essentially the same thing, water splashing into more water. Everyone knows what you’re doing in there! So why bother? I guess this invention is weird but not useless as if they’re going to do it anyway may aswell save the water for drinking.
Weird Invention 2
The Soup Bowl Side Fan
This was also invented in Japan. This is an invention that makes sense but seriously? How impatient is the world getting. Is it not more pleasant to make conversation (unless of course it is the kind where you wish your mouth would start bleeding and you could politely excuse yourself.)and wait politely for it to cool off? What’s the rush? I mean, how hot is soup anyway? It says on the side of the can to heat it to hot but not boiling so when I SERVE the soup it is at an ideal temperature for eating.
And then there is the over-cooling risk. What if the soup was at an unnaturally high temperature, by some weird coincidence? Then you turn the fan on and it starts cooling. What if you get distracted by the cute waitstaff and forget about the soup and it gets too cold? Then you have three options. Pay for the uneatable soup and don’t eat it. This option is ok but then you waste your money. You eat the soup. But let’s face it, cold soup is none too appetising. Option three: you send it back for re-heating and either it comes back too hot and the whole process starts again OR the cute waiter/waitress you were flirting with thinks you are a fussy customer and thinks you are too much trouble to bother with. Lose-Lose either way you look at it.
Weird Invention 3
Fundies
I first heard about the Fundies on a bus in year 8. We were young, naïve and desperate to show each other that we knew more about sex and sex related paraphernalia than the others in our grade. “Pat, do you like Fundies?” a boy yelled, provocatively. “I’m not going to say yes until you tell me what they are” was his reply. “It’s a G-banger” the first boy retorted. Pat said “I like them on women.” And the other boy shut his mouth. But the Fundies craze was begun. In recent times, however, I have discovered that Fundies are in fact one set of underwear for 2 people. They are a sex toy…Much more interesting than a boring old g-string, but much more useless. I’m not entirely sure what the point of them is aside from keeping your partner closer and less likely to fall out. If your partner can’t stay in by himself maybe there are other, more pressing issues you need to be addressing. It is also supposed to enhance sex. Now here is the issue. If it enhances sex, the pleasure is supposed to be greater, right? So, if the pleasure is greater then and your partner can stay in longer then he is more likely to climax quicker. Therefore the time saved on staying in is lost in the pleasure, leaving you just as, or more unsatisfied than the start.
In conclusion inventors these days are hard pressed to come up with something people actually need. Therefore they just market shit to the consumer so that they won’t have to go sifting through the classifieds looking for a real job.
What Infinite Possiblogities Means to Me.
Well, I guess you could say that Mr. B introduced me to the blogging world. Therefore it has some shit going on that I don’t see in other blogs that I think should be there. Like wit. I mean, occasionally I come across a blog that displays an equal amount of wit as his. These are blogs like, oh, I dunno, B is for Blog. But other than that none of the blogs I have read are really up to scratch.
It all starts in the title, as Mr. B. so aptly put it in his “Guide to Writing a Blog.”
His title, demonstrates in 2 words his wit and his intentions. Amazing.
The only other real thing that I have drawn from this wondrous blog is that porn is a funnier, weirder version of American Pie.
The en….d
Like what you read? bis-forblog.blogspot.com
By Hanna
Mr. B's Top 5 Playstation 2 Games
I decided to include a Top 5 list of Playstation 2 games I've played through. There are definately other great PS2 games out there that aren't on the list but I can't list what I haven't played yet. I'm sure this little list will be of no interest, but here it goes. 5. Okami - A Zelda inspired adventure. Despite overstaying it's welcome and some repitition (I can't believe they make you fight the longest boss in the game 3 different times in exactly the same way each time. What's the fucking point?) it's still a high quality game worthy of attention. 4. Silent Hill 2 - One of my favourite stories ever told in a game. Creepy and subtle, it never settles for cheap scares and uses psychological elements to tell a story of guilt, punishment and loss. 3. Ico - Clever puzzles woven together with beatiful design and an ingaging, yet minimal story. Ico's legacy extends to the Prince of Persia: Sands of Time trilogy and even influenced the director of the movie Pans Labyrinth.
2. Final Fantasy X/Final Fantasy XII - I'm kind of cheating here giving two games the same spot, but I honestly can't decide which game is better. FFX has a far better story (especially the ending) where FFXII has better characters and exciting, reinvented gameplay. Play them both.
1. We Love Katamari - gay overtones, strong Japanese flavour and gameplay that revolves around rolling things in a ball. Who would have thought these components would come together in such an awesomely fun way?
What It's Really Like To Chew 5 Gum To get the full enjoyment out of this video I suggest familiarising yourself with the 5 Gum Commercials if you aren't already. Youtube has them. I'm chewing Cobalt flavour in case you care.
Fucking hell. Do I really sound like that?
Anyway That just about wraps things up for the celebrations. I have plenty more ideas and blogs will hopefully be much more frequent. Well then, the parties over guys. GET OUT!
