Christmas Songs Rant

Remember when I actually used to post pictures with my blog? Well I've decided to stop being a lazy cunt and start up that tradition once again. So here's something vagueley relevant, enjoy!

You'd have to be majorly out of the loop to not be aware that Christmas is basically a month away. It's that time of the year when fairy lights begin to pop up in windows and front yards and mall Santa's start making their appearances. It's also time for fucking Christmas compilations to be played in every place with a sound system in the western world.

So let me open with this. Christmas songs are the shittest. The. Absolute. Worst. Music. I'm always surprised to see which saps actually get roped into making Christmas albums. Nat King Cole, Mariah Carey, The Simpsons; there's even a fucking Pokemon Christmas album. And they're all shit. Even the ironic, comdey ones are shit. In fact I'd go so far as to say that anything with the words "Christmas" in the title, be it movie, album or book, is shit with the possible exception of Christmas Lemmings.

So seeing as how I work in a shopping centre I have recently become plagued by stupid Christmas songs playing over the store radio. after a few hours of suffering a fellow employee said " fuck I hate Christmas songs" to which I agreed, but in my mind I sort of said to myself "well duh! Who the fuck doesn't?" Then I reached this realisation in my mind, I didn't know a single human being on the face of the Earth who didn't dread setting foot in stores this time of year for fear of being driven to auditory suicide by "Jingle Bells Rock". This presented me with many questions. Did there exist such a mythical beast that actually liked this garbage? If so, were their numbers significant? Assuming not, why are we exposed to these songs? Do the corporate big wigs in marketing like this music? Do they think it helps move units this time of year? There were so many questions that popped into my head and the weird thing was I couldn't shake the feeling that these songs would be, for the most part, a negative presence in shops.

After several hours of working for the man all troubling thoughts had left the forfront of my brain, but the music kept on playing. Eventually, as the evening wrapped up, I noticed something else disturbing about these songs. Many of these so-called "Christmas Songs" are sexual in nature. Whilst for the most part they seemed mostly harmless, mentioning topics no more frisky than stealing a quick kiss underneath a sprig of mistletoe, there were a few that got into the eggnog and decided to get slutty. There was this one song in particular being seductively and slowly wrung out of the speakers that actually featured lyrics that went, and I kid you not, something almost exactly like "I want you to crawl down my chimney, I want you to fill my stocking up" which doesn't bring to mind Christmas as much as it invokes images of a sexual deviant with Santa rape fantasies. My advice would be to avoid that track at any office christmas parties you might be planning, otherwise you might find the photocopier unusable and office relations becoming awkward.

But really I don't know what I hope to achieve here. I have no power at the best of times but even if you had the charisma and fanbase to bring down Microsoft I don't see how you could possibly prevent the overuse of Christmas songs in the lead up to Christmas. Me trying to stop these songs with the awesome power of my blog would be like trying to stop the tide coming in with the awesome power of parking tickets. I'm not sure why it's so hard though, because I'm pretty sure they are almost universally loathed. But somehow, despite this, the Christmas soundtracks have become an undefeatable force in the shopping world. I don't think I'll ever understand society.

Kite

Any regular reader of Infinite Possiblogities that has two brain cells they can rub together has probably been able to deduce that I have a certain appreciation for Japanese culture. Ok so I don't walk barefoot across my matted floor or spend ours on end preparing tea but what I am into is anime and gaming; both of which have some heavy Japanese connections. In the past I have tended to review good anime because I spend a certain amount of time researching to see what anime series are worth watching. But for reasons I won't delve into I sometimes come across anime that is shit. I guess it can't be helped, but every cloud has a silver lining. The polish of this particular turd comes in the form of this blog post. Whenever I find myself experiencing some disfigured abomination of mankinds creation I can always take solace in the fact that I can run home to my blog to vent my frustrations and take the piss. So with expectations set low enough to scratch a hampsters ballsack I present the review of Kite.

So what the fuck is Kite about? That's really a very good question. Only running at about 50 mins the story of Kite is something of a vague, half-baked affair. So it starts off in an elevator where a hitgirl kills some famous jerk. She flees the scene of the crime in an action sequence that feels like it was ripped right out of Ghost in the Shell before the Crime Scene Investigators turn up. After a bit of stickybeaking the scene changes to the hitgirl and the head crime scene guy talking in some dingy appartment. It's all blah de blah de blah then BAM! Hardcore sex scene. Wow ok so there's a hentai bent to this anime. Didn't expect that one. So anyway the story kinda starts to get retarded at this point. Basically the plot is about the different characters and their twisted relationships with each other. The hitgirl has some sick father/foster parent/boss/kinky sexual relationship with the CSI dude, which is made a little more disturbing by the fact that he basically has this same relationship with all his other female hired killers who all seem to be of school age. Creepy relationships aside for the moment, hitgirl has agreed to fuck and kill in exchange for the identities of her parents killers. So then there's this young boy who's also a killer but is trying to get out but apparently the seedy corrupt CSI dude doesn't like this, or indeed the boy, very much. Probably because the boy doesn't put out. Anyway the boy and girl are friendly There's obvious chemistry...kind of. There's a few more arbitrary hit jobs and then the boy drops the totally unsurprising bombshell that Mr. CSI killed hitgirls parents to which hitgirl replies "yeah I've known that a while now", just in case their relationship didn't already totally creep you out. Anyway, the boy is forced to watch CSI fuck the hitgirl at gunpoint before being walked away to be killed. CSI and the girl had apparently planned this to trap him and make him miserable. The boy escapes, killing the ugly sidekick. The girl betrays CSI, shooting him in his disproportionate hentai dick before killing him. Then there's this totally ambiguos and disatisfying ending where the boy is implied to have been shot by some little girl for some reason and that's it.

So that was fucking confusing right? Basically the story can be summed up as this. Creepy, powerplay sex. This is the most confusing 50 mins you will ever experience. The whole plot is arbitrary and raises a multitude of unanswered and fructrating questions. Why did the girl repeatedly have sex with her parents murderer? Why didn't the boy or the girl kill these creeps a long time ago? Why was the boy feeding cats? Is the boy dead? Why did a girl less than 10 years old try to kill him? Why? Why? WHY!?!

Some people might argue that this movie is just hentai and as such the story is just an excuse to explore strange sex situations but I'm not sure I completely buy that. Although the sex is extremely explicit and obviously hentai-esque there isn't really enough of it to go to all the trouble of making a story for it. To cut a long review short, Kite is sexually explicit retardedness. Even if hentai was your cup of tea I'm not really sure that the story is well enough contructed with well developed characters for anyone to ever consider it good or even ok. What it is is a series of twisted sexual relationships and character motivations that make little to no sense. I don't really know what else to say about it; that's Kite. It's stupid but it has big dicks and tits in it.

(Appologies for my delayed posts, I've had exams and shit. I should be able to make at least one post a week from now on so stay tuned.)