Alice in Wonderland

Before I begin my usual tyraid into what's wrong with the world I thought I'd just clear something up. I've never actually read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland or Through The Looking-Glass and so I'm sorry to all you puritans out there who will no doubt find my review ill informed and intolerable. BUT what I figure is that any decent movie adaptation deserves to be treated as its own work. Actually bad ones do too but that's beside the point.

Anyway so a couple of months back I was shown the trailer to Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie and I got excited. But excitement can be bittersweet mistress, especially when she wants a threesome with her ugly sister disappoinment. And that's exacltly what Alice in Wonderland was, a Ménage à Troi with high expectations and inadequet payoff. Now because I'm cynical I tend to not get too excited about a lot of things for fear of having my soul crushed, but this was Tim Burton doing Alice in Wonderland with his usual superstar tag team of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. It had all the ingredients and skills at hand to be a delicious 3 course meal of enjoyment. But instead what we got was more like a teacake. It was good, but I was hungry for more. So what was wrong? Let us dive right in.

The movie starts off in the real world during the "bonnet drama" era. Alice is a lively, free spirited sort of gal feeling all the pressures of a sexist and elitest society. The movie follows Alice around for 15 minutes or so as she interacts with various characters who you just know are going to have themselves injected into the wonderland world as a fantasy persona. Yeah, that's right. It seems that the movie industry has imposed some kind of law in which if a movie starts off in the real world and then goes into a fantasy world then the fantasy world MUST be reflective of the real world and how the main character views it. So instead of a genuine fantasy world most of the time what we're really getting isa creative visualization of the thought process and of personal growth and discovery. Which I guess is fine but why can't I just go to a freaking weirdo place just because it's there anymore? Now it's all dreams and ambitions and fears and shit and it's all getting a bit pretentious and lame to be honest. Anyway so then Alice follows the rabbit down the hole and the adventure begins.

Now what I remember Wonderland (or Underland in this movie) to be like is in many ways very different to what the movie presents. I acknowledge that maybe I'm the only one who thinks this but to me Wonderland was always a place where random, inexplicable shit was constantly screwing Alice over and fucking with her mind. Alice was a fish that was so far out of water that she was in fucking space and gasping for air. In the movie she's the fucking chosen one. Instead of being a fish out of water she's a champion of the people. Instead of stumbling from one oddball character to another they all get together and discuss the current political climate. I mean even the Mad Hatter is saned up so that he can step in as something of a role model to Alice. I mean the world is still nice; it looks great and there are still hints of insanity and such but it's not the same. It feels more like Middle Earth has been redone on magic mushrooms or acid. It might sound fun but it's just not the same. So anyway shit in Wonderland gets sorted, Alice returns to the real world on a hero buzz and gives a big fuck you to the real world in the form of a dance she picked up from the Mad Hatter. A dance that made me die a little inside.

So what does all this mean in terms of quality? To me Alice in Wonderland was ok. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't great either and quite frankly it stands as a low point in Tim Burton's career. I suppose it had to happen eventually. Nobody can just keep making awsome stuff over and over again, can they?

I Find the Implications of this Picture Amusing

Heartbreak High

Have I ever mentioned my fondness for the 90's? It probably comes as no surprise to some of you considering what a cynical, melancholic sort of decade it was (and I am). For me, the 90's had some very important television series, albums and of course videogames. In fact, the 90's was really THE decade for gaming in terms of big innovations and historically important titles (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time I am in awe of your golden cartridged beauty. You make me weep). Heartbreak High is a show I only vaguely remember from my daydreamy youth. But lucky for me the all kids channel ABC3, which I blogged about a while back, has actually managed to deliver a nugget of enjoyable 90's nostalgia in all it's mullety, backwards cap wearing glory.

So anyway, you know how I've made something of a habit out of belittling highschool drama's and sitcoms in this blog? Well Heartbreak High bucked all expectations and has rekindled my faith in the genre. Granted, it's over a decade old and has apparently failed to influence any of the current, popular series from the genre BUT...actually I really don't have any argument against that. But fuck it, Heartbreak High is actually pretty darn good and I'm going to continue holding it up as a shiney example of highschool goodness no matter what you fuckers think (please keep reading my blog...I really do love you...really).

So what's it all about then? Well I haven't really seen enough episodes to name characters and discuss plotlines but the show is essentially what you get if Skins knocked up Degrassi High and they're child was sustained with nothing but Pearl Jam and gritty cement for the first year of it's life. Everything about Heartbreak High is edge. It looks like it was filmed by stoned multimedia students, the cast dress like they're volunteer models for a sewing class at a homeless shelter and everybody goes about their day to day activities with either a snarl, a sullen look or like they're an angsty lone wolf. Grit and angst are really the words for this show. None of this bubbly tween crap or that Neighbours whinginess. This is teen drama injected with a hefty dose of hormones. The style of the show feels very authentic even if it is a tad archetypal. But you know what? Teans really ARE wreckless, emotionally overcharged, horny little bastards so the stereotype, when treated with respect, rings quite true to me.

Now to the bad parts. My main fault with the show is ironically one of the things I find so appealing. Heartbreak High is ultimately timelocked in the 90's and with it's total embracing of the trends of the time it essentially cuts it off from other generations who aren't into the whole grunge scene. If I showed this to some kid from the iGen (fuck that name) in 10 years time I daresay they will snort obnoxiously and say the 2020 equivalent of "that show is totally bogus." Shows like this mostly survive for the benefit of the generation for which the attitudes and influences of the time that were actually shaped by them in some way. So while I may not think it's the best show of all time or anything, it's certainly an important landmark in my memory and my nostalgia. That and it's a million times the high school tv series that Zoey 101 could ever hope to be.

The Downfall of MSN Messenger

As some of you may know I have a certain fondness for the days of my youth. They were simple times of marble seasons, hide and seek tip and other such cliches. I'm sure some of you might even remember the good old days before Facebook and other social networking sites when kids would sign in to MSN Messenger and talk about cute boys and shit instead of doing homework. I personally liked this era. Signing in to get my daily fix, to see if anyone has humorously changed their display name, to see if anyone new has added you and to hopefully chat to that highschool crush of yours. For many people I know MSN was the reason they created their email account, with many still embarrasing us to this very day. For anybody I know who grew up in that era MSN Messenger is now dead.

The death of MSN has not been swift and kind. No MSN has been dying of a horrible degenerative illness for quite some time now. This time 18 months or so ago MSN happily fullfilled my online interaction needs but now I only sign in for the convenience of checking my email. But do you want to know the moment when I knew, without a doubt in the world, that MSN was terminal? It was when I started getting new, unfamiliar people adding me. I shrugged and accepted at first, what's a fresh face here or there? I might even know them? But then I started getting more. One of them sparked up a conversation with me. It went something like this.
Oh of course, it's not a real woman interested in me. No no it's just a delightful advertising campaign designed to lure in perverts. At last I was comfortable and things were back to normal. MSN was still not being used by actual friends, woman were still not interested in me and I was still a sad, lonely blogger without any prospects of female company. Few! What a relief. So now everyday I sign in to MSN to check my email for Facebook updates (fuck that seems convoluted) and decline a few more offers for companionship by people with particularly effeminite emails (no killin_n_shit@hotmail.com's here) as well as closing the tabloid-ish Ninenews popup boasting a slideshow of celebrity kids or a breaking news article about how Lady Gaga is strange.

It's sad to see a once loved communication medium dying in such an embarrasing, demeaning way. So from me here at Infinite Possiblogities I'd just like to acknowledge the youthful joy and distant friendships MSN allowed us to maintain for so many years, even if we did have to appear offline on the odd occassion to avoid that annoying kid with the big ears who's dp was always something shit like a boggle-eyed penguin. Wait...why was I sad again?

I Am Legend (The Will Smith Marathon Comes to a Close)

Yes, I think I Am Legend is a great movie. Why did I open with this? Well I Am Legend is up there with Daria and anchovies in that I could speak to 100 people who've experienced it and I would get a 50-50 split of people who will love it and then those who loathe it. Not that I've ever had a complete understanding as to why people hate it. I went to see the movie with my brothers and then girlfriend and while my brothers and I had a blast the ol' GF came out saying "that movie was the worst." Her exact reasons for disliking it have never really become apparent to me and I have spoken to many others who offer only flimsy allusions as to what they might find objectionable about it. So what's all this fuss about? Let's dive right in.

Ok so it turns out that Will Smith is the sole survivor in a now quarrantined New York City after some dumb bitch cured cancer by making a zombie virus. The movie kind of rushes through that whole part of the story because it's quite apparent that the science behind it is about as sturdy as a cardboard box in a monsoon but to be quite frank it doesn't really matter. The point is Will Smith is alone. Really alone. At the beginning Will Smith is seen going about his regular survival routine in a flawless, well thought out way. But as the movie rolls on you begin to realise that without the company of his fellow man Will Smith is slowly succumbing to madness. There's something quite satisfying about the way the movie portrays Smith struggling to survive both the zombies and his own loneliness. It's an extremely sympathetic and moving performance. From an artsy English Extension 2 Fagboy perspective there are lots of beautifully subtle techniques you can furiously finger your bum over. I like the way that the movie slowly eases you into questioning whether Will Smith has lost almost as much of his humanity as the savage zombies.

This brings me quite nicely to yet another example of controversy that the movie stirred up. You see there are two different endings to the movie. The original one and then the newer one that they used in the theatrical release. I think there's merrit to both endings but I think I prefer the one they ended up going for. But, in true nerd fashion, amoungst the people who like it there is constant debate over which ending is the best. Many people the original ending is bolder and more edgy and feel that the newer ending was just a big, action movie, explosion copout. I don't really feel that way but whatever, I could not be fucked getting involved. So anyway, I think I Am Legend is fantastic. I guess it appeals to the part of me that likes the idea of mankind being obliterrated and then watching the lone survivor wander the empty streets trying to cling on to his humanity. I kind of worries me really, should I really be able to identify with him that well?

I Robot (The Will Smith Marathon Continues)

Whereas The Pursuit of Happyness was a somewhat irregular Will Smith role I Robot seems taylor made for him. Will Smith is a man of action, quick wittedness and charisma as we've come to expect. So anyway, the year is 2035 and robotics has come a long way. All robots are apparently manufactured by a single, multi-billion dollar corporation who are planning to put their brand spanking new unit into every home in the country. Will once again plays the role of a city cop who is apparently the only person in the world who doesn't like the idea of entrusting our lives to the care of programs and before long has made it his personal mission to prove that robots are capable of human harm.

You see, Will Smith has a tragic, flashbacky issue with robots that naturally remains supressed for the majority of the movie. Lucky for him he becomes involved with an initially-uptight-hostile-woman who eventually becomes something of a love interest and whom Smith is eventually able to confide in. Mind you the romantic interest in this movie is a little lacking but I'm fairly certain they always are in Will Smith movies. In fact pretty much every aspect of I Robot feels like it was manufactured by a Will Smith Movie Machine. If I had to sum up the movie in a breif sentence I'd say "it's like Ghost in the Shell if it was concussed and had Will Smith in it." I mean it's the same not too distant, slightly souless setting. It's the same "what makes us human" and "could robots develope a soul" cyberpunk philosophies being explored. It even has the robot/computer software teaching us about the nature of our existance situation in it. The only difference is that aesthetically everything in I Robot is so blindingly white it looks like a eutopia for Apple. Speaking of product placement did I mention the 2004 vintage Converse Hightops? Well they're in this movie and quite shamelessly referred to on more than one occassion. Mind you I actually found this entertaining and quite frankly I don't give a shit if they're plugging products in a movie. But you know I thought it might be worth a mention because bloggers love tossing themselves off over how clever they are at finding product placements.

Oh and stop me if this sounds familiar to you at all. The bad guy was one of the good guys being motivated to kill and oppress people in order to "save humanity from itself." I mean you clever script writer types could come up with something a little bit less overused than that? It's the kind of plot twist I'd expect from a Resident Evil game and even though it doesn't actually make I Robot any worse it certainly stikes me as somewhat lacking.

But all in all maybe I'm being a tad harsh. Do I like I Robot? Yeah I suppose so. It's entertaining and has a plot that makes sense and if you haven't seen Ghost in the Shell already you might think it raises some pretty interesting ideas even if they're only alluded to or breezed over. In a lot of respects it's comparable to Independence Day in that it is improved a vast amount by the fact that Will Smith is in it. Mind you Independence Day is by far a worse movie, but I stand by my comparison. As I said before this is a typical Will Smith movie and it's done pretty well. Movies like this serve as a nice reminder that cliche's can actually polish up quite nicely if you treat them right.

Cold Mountain

Hmmm...let's see...an appropriate way to open the blog...ummm...AHA! I've got it! Gratuitous sex scene!

There! If you haven't already seen Cold Mountain I pretty much summed it up in that there sentence above this one. All you need to do is imagine that the um-ing and ah-ing go for about 2 hours before the "climax" so to speak and you've experienced it. But you know what? I'll bet you want more than that so I'll cater to your needs and deliver a more rich critique.

Anyway so the year is...whatever year the American Civil War was happening...and Jude Law realises he's made a big mistake. You see instead of having sex with Nicole Kidman he decided what he really ought to do is run off to die in a pointless war. Jude decides that the best way to remedy this mistake is to desert his fellow soldiers and make a long journey home to Cold Mountain. Sounds simple enough if a bit long but then it turns out that this is actually frowned upon by the army and so Jude spends a considerable amount of time being hunted and landing every single person he meets along the way in a gargantuan arseload of trouble. Jeez Jude, she'd wanna be a demon in the sack after all this trouble.

Anyway so the movie switches between the channels and often finds itself following the life of Nicole Kidman as well. Ol' Nicky spends a good while moping about the place and being generally pathetic and helpless as her farm and her home fall into chaos. Renee Zellweger is sent up there to help snap Nicole out of her mopey My Chemical Romance phase and teach her how to be a tough independant woman that Beyonce could be proud of (please note, Beyonce is not in this movie, even if she did have one of the best videos of all time).

So anyway, the movie switches between these two plot threads as different events of increasing dramatic tension happen to both parties before finally they meet up. Renee is sort of hot and cold with the return of Jude because she's just one of those hoes before bros kinda woman but *spoiler warning* he is killed off pretty soon anyway so all tensions are resolved (look, I know that wasn't a very good spoiler warning but in all seriousness if you didn't see that coming then you have several hundred years of drama/romance tradgedies to catch up on). Lucky for everbody right before dying Jude manages to "hit that" in a sex scene that I can really only compare to the one Bioware shoehorned into Mass Effect. If a sex scene in a movie reminds me of one I saw in a game then something has definately gone wrong. But anyway, moving on. So Nicole is all sad and shit because she's been waiting around for a while and only got one ride in before her man meat died but luckily for her they breeze over her grieving and cut straight to three years later where Nicole is shown living an idealic life with Renee, all the friends that they met during the course of the movie and Nicole's daughter. Yep, that's right, they only had sex once and it just so happened to be at the perfect time for conception. But whatever, you can debate the believability of that one amoungst youselves.

So I guess that's about all I have to say. The movie wasn't really bad or anything but I doubt I'll ever feel the need to watch it again. You can tell Cold Mountain really wants to be up there with all the other great romances but it just doesn't make you care enough. I mean there's even a scene where Nicole and Renee are both reading and discussing Wuthering Heights, a much better developed romantic plot. But there's some parts they did pretty well. Having Jack White (of the White Stripes) play a part as a member of a bluegrass band was a pretty good move, even if he didn't get enough screen time. That and they had this slimey bastard of a bad guy with blonde hair and a cocky, youthful smugness about him who you just couldn't wait to see die. So that's Cold Mountain. It's long, it's forgettable but it does have some nice music for a few moments in there.