Resident Evil 5

Because Christmas is that special time of year where distant relatives decide to pretend they don't hate you by uncomfortably cramming themselves into your everyday life for a week or so I found myself replaying Resident Evil 5 cooperatively with my cousine. My first playthrough of RE5 the previous year left me with lukewarm feelings. It was certainly very underwhelming when you compared it to RE4, which is one of my favourite games of all time. This second playthrough on the hardest difficulty has given me the opportunity to really figure out why I was so underwhelmed the first time. So rather than my usual game review format I thought instead I'd share with you my critical opinions on what made RE5 inferrior to RE4.

The Pirate Merchant Sex Offender
I did a blog post on this guy a while back in the days when my blog was cutting edge and exciting. Basically he was this mysterious shop keeper who followed you around and eagerly showed you his wares from underneath the kind of large coat people wear to flash the high school girls swimming team with. He was creepy and lovable all at the same time and the phrase "welcome stranger" became much more hilarious amongst enlightened individuals that it really out to be. Hell they even quoted him on Bayonetta. So you'd expect a certain level of disappointment from people, myself included, when it was discovered that this crazy merchant would not be in RE5. But not only did one of our most cherished characters not return but he was also replaced with nothing more than a menu. There was no character selling you stuff, just a list of words that took your money. But this is just one of a few examples in which Resident Evil 5 decided to...

Take All the Fun Out of the RE4 Formula
Let's not kid ourselves, RE4 was rediculous. It had weird stalkers selling you rocket launchers, it had a weirdo parasite worshipping cult who hated the USA and it had an albino midget dressed as Napoleon hacking into your two way radio system just so you and he could exchange "yo mamma" jokes. But it was rediculous in a fun way. It had abandoned almost every aspect of the original games, both gameplay and plot wise, in order to make the whole experience varied, enjoyable and hilariously camp. RE5 is also rediculous but in a way that is completely not fun. Perhaps Capcom felt that their game needed to be more gritty and serious to stand up and be counted amoungst the current generations big, serious action titles? Who knows why but for some reason they decided to make the game all serious. Which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but the problem is they also forgot to make it good. Let me put it like this, you know how there are movies that are so bad that they're good? Well that's RE4. Well you know how there are some bad movies that are also so bland and serious that you can actually feel your life wasting away as you watch them? Well that's RE5.

Co-op and the Inventory SystemI personally don't have a problem with co-op modes in games. I actually think that they can make a very welcome addition to a game. But that's exactly what they should be, an addition. The problem with RE5 is that it's set up in such a way that playing it non-cooperatively puts you at a crippling disadvantage. This is because playing by yourself is really just playing co-op except with an A.I. team mate, an A.I. that is incredibly tedious and annoying to control and put up with. But this wasn't a huge concern for me because for the most part I was playing with a helpful, human companion. BUT the ghost of this co-op game design still lingered in the inventory system. The inventory system in RE4 was excellent and allowed you to carry everything you could possibly need if you were clever with how you used it. It seems that with the addition of co-op and hence two inventory systems (one for each character) the game designers felt it would be perfectly acceptable to cripple the ammount of stuff you can carry. It all ends up being this horrible mess of swapping crap back and forth between characters and for what? It doesn't make the game more challenging, just more tedious and frustrating.

Quick Time Events
RE4 was the first game I can recall that used quick time events during what would normally be random cutscenes. While I wasn't really impressed by their inclusion I certainly never found them instrusive or punishing enough to be a dealbreaker. Then in waltzed RE5 saying "you know what? I can make Q.T.E.'s much more annoying than that." And before you knew it you were doing an entire fucking boss where you had to use quick time events the whole way through and if either me or my cousine fucked up, just once, it was instant death time to start over. It was frustration that I haven't felt for a game since trying to unlock everything in Mario Kart Wii.

But this isn't to say that RE5 is bad. Resident Evil 5 is still a pretty good game really it's just that at the end of the day it hasn't really added anything significant to the series and really just became a crippled version of RE4. The whole point of sequels, appart from cashing in, is to further develope and improve over what came before. RE5 just took steps backwards and I really don't understand why. It had less variety, less convenience, less humour, less sense and less functionality? What the fuck is with that? In the end RE5 failed to distract me from the fact that the girl I adore was in a land far far away and I was missing her warmth and companionship. At night I hug the pillow she slept on...*sigh* I miss my Moomee.

So Long 2010

Ah yes it's that time of the year where everybody who's anybody (and even some nobodies such as myself) take a look back at the year that has passed and re-iterate all the points they've already made at other points in the year. 2010, like any year, has had dizzying highs and crushing lows. I even developed a very close and special relationship with someone (she knows who she is) that I'm sure will remain strong for many years to come. So just in case you care what I think about this stupid year, I'm going to plonk everything into awards categories.

The Dark Horse Award for Unexpected Excellence
This award hands down goes to Nintendo. After years of shafting it's loyal fans to suck money through the genitals of the casual market Nintendo came out of the shadows at E3 this year to announce some awesome new games and even a cool new handheld console. While Sony and Microsoft farted about trying to get in on the casual, motion control bandwagon Nintendo were announcing a new Donkey Kong, a new Kirby, a new Zelda (two if you count the Ocarina of Time 3DS remake) and much more. Having finished the new Donkey Kong and loving every waking moment of it's retro brilliance I am truely excited for what the other yet to be released titles might be like.

The Supermodel That Flirts With You But Then Turns Out to be a Religious Conservative Award for Biggest Disappointment
I thought about this one long and hard. I don't really remember having high expectations of anything this year and as we all know, without expectations it's hard to be disappointed. A few things came to mind, like Weeds, which I only started watching a few months ago and never even came close to matching the level of hype being generated for it. And Final Fantasy XIII which should have further developed and refined the gameplay and design of FFXII but instead stripped away all sense of freedom and witheld all the good bits until after you finished the confusing, badly told, 40 hour story. But the winner in my eyes is the whole damn christmas release schedule of 2010. Out of fear to be in direct competition with the new World of Warcraft expansion (AKA something I don't give a shit about) most companies didn't have the balls to release their cool new games after about November. Nintendo released Donkey Kong Country Returns and then unless you wanted a Kinect or a Playstation Move you were pretty much fucked for Christmas games. In the end I asked for games that I had missed from much earlier in the year. Christmas used to be THE TIME to release your brand new AAA title. I guess I don't mind them getting spread out a bit though.

2010 Game of the Year
I don't give a fuck if I am the only person in the world who thinks this. But for me the game I had, without a doubt, the absolute most fun with this year was Bayonetta. I loved this game to such an extent that even when the vaguest of hints were dropped about the possibility of a sequel I started squealing and telling everyone who was in the house. Enough said, Bayonetta is fantastic. Special mentions go to Donkey Kong Country Returns and Super Mario Galaxy 2.

The Finding $20 in the Street Award for Most Pleasant Surprise 
I'm not sure if pleasant really quite covers the immense love I feel for this show. The Inbetweeners is the winner and it is the funniest show I have seen in years. As far as addictive new TV shows go it is basically 2010's Big Bang Theory. I have only started watching it within the past couple of months and since then I have seen all 3 seasons at least 5 times each. It is brilliant. If you are capable of laughter then I highly recommend checking it out as long as you aren't some massive pussy who is easily offended and can't handle a bit of vulgar language, in which case why in the fucking hell would you be reading this blog you stupid bum fingering dickhead?

The Part Where I Get Excited About 2011
Well as mentioned previously there is going to be a new season of The Games and saying my expectations are high is like saying that Paris Hilton is "quite well off" or "I suspect that much of the cast of Pirates XXX aren't virgins." Video game wise 2011 has many exciting new games coming out like the aforementioned Nintendo titles, Bulletstorm, Deus Ex: Human Revolution and even the now legendary Duke Nuken Forever (which I'm really more excited about for the sheer novelty of it actually existing). A little later on in the year the new season of Breaking Bad will start and finally relieve it's fans after cock teasing them all the way up to the season 3 finale before checking it's watch and saying "I gotta go now. Here, take some tissues. Seeya!"

The Extra Special "I Love You" Award For Being the Person Who Made 2010 an Aimazzing Year
Again...she knows who she is ^_^

Jungle Boy

I'm not normally the kind of person to give shout outs on my blog but I'm prepared to make an exception today because (a) she's a really important person to me; and (b) without her I would never have even discovered that this movie existed. So this blog is dedicated to Aimee, without her I'd have no post today. Thank you.

So moving onto the actual review. Today's animated classic comes courtesy of Cards Plus (DVD PTY LTD and all that bullshit), who apparently felt that in order to compete in the savage world of Birthday cards they needed to include short animated movies. There are several others out there but the one I happened to recieve in the mail was Jungle Boy. Not Jungle Book just so you're aware, they're completely different. This is about a young boy becoming estranged from his parents in the jungle and being raised by the animals. Oh wait sorry it is the same. Well except it's worse. Much much worse. I'm not even sure the person who wrote the blurb on the back of the card watched it. Here's what it says...

"When little Mowgli toddles into the heart of the Seeonee Wolf Pack, who adopt him, the jungle will never be the same again. With the help of his teachers, the big-hearted bear, Baloo and the wise panther, Bagheera, the boy learns the language of the wild and the secrets of Jungle Law."

However here's what I wouldv'e said. Having already been raised by animals into a young man Mowgli must bridge the gap between man and nature in order to save the jungle he calls home. There's also a romantic subplot and some musical numbers The picture on the cover doesn't really even look like the movie, Mowgli is far too young. Maybe the people who wrote the blurb just watched the Disney version instead, for which I couldn't blame them. I don't remember Baloo and I don't remember the boy learning the secrets of jungle law. Mind you this 44 minute animation does have this habbit of just being completely unmemorable, it just sort of happens barely registering in the background of your mind. The movie tries to squeeze an aweful lot into those 44 mins but this means that lots of plot and characterisation takes a backseat. For example Mowgli's biological parents thought their son had been swallowed up by the earth when it opened up during a jungle excavation. Even if you swallow the troubling notion of taking your only child in a basonet into the unexplored jungle and sitting it on the ground while you dig, what happens next in the story is bat shit crazy. Some random hunter calls them up around 18 years later and mentions seeing a boy who behaves like an animal to which they basically say "That's just vague enough to be our son who must've been raised by animals instead of crushed by rubble, let's fly back to this remote jungle right away and have a more thorough look like we should've probably done at the fucking time." But of course more sensible plot progression needs to be sacrificed to make room for the couple of random, uncatchy songs that get shoehorned in for no conceivable reason beyond trying to copy Disney.

At the end of the day I'm not really sure what I can say about this movie. It's certainly bad (any movie in which guns are inexplicably pink can't really be good after all), but for a movie that will only ever have a limited audience and undoubtedly had a minescule budget it's much better than you'd expect. My main gripe is how inaccurate the blurb is, which is more baffling than anything else. But even if it's not the completely shit movie it appears to be I still don't really understand why they made it? It certainly has nothing to do with Birthdays. It seems like an aweful lot of extra effort and expense just to make a greetings card. I certainly can't imagine it makes them a fat profit. And this is what this company does, I mean it's right there in the name "Card Plus DVD." This is what they do? This is their buisiness model? You know what I think? I think this whole company is just a front for some money laundering scheme or so some guy can tie up his drug money in a legitimate looking buisiness. Except of course it doesn't look legitimate at all. It looks sus. Really, really sus. Just look at that picture above. Look at the bear's face as he eyes-off boy Mowgli. Sus.

Just a Quick Christmas Message

So there I was innocently googling "Costume Quest" when I found this strange picture. I was simultaneously amused and disturbed; so naturally I felt that it belongs on Infinite Possiblogities. This isn't going to be much of a post, I'm a bit busy with family and friends right at this moment to give you a meatier one. But I have many ideas. So coming soon to Infinite Possiblogities...

1. A Review on Jungle Boy (a movie that came with a birthday card)
2. A Review on Resident Evil 5 (an inferior sequal to Resident Evil 4

Also I thought I'd mention that I discovered today that in 2011 the ABC will air a new series of The Games (my favourite Australian comedy ever, see an older post if necessary). This news caused my metaphorical vagina to moisten faster than your mum at an underwater Justin Timberlake concert.

Ikki Tousen: Battle Vixens

Japan loves underwear. Or to be a tad more specific Japan loves panties. The particular panties they like are the kind that have been lightly steamed by the body of a schoolgirl. Here's a fun fact for you that illustrates my point. Did you know that in Japan there are shops in which young girls can trade in their used undergarments for money so that any old stranger can buy them and do with them whatever they please? Well if you didn't know that then you sure are lucky you've got me around, slaving tirelessly on this blog to bring you all the must-have info of the world. I mention Japan's love of all things clinging to female genitalia because today's anime, Ikki Tousen: Battle Vixens, seems very keen to reward this love. Just take a look at the pictures I have provided. I hope you don't mind these sorts of images, because you'll be seeing a lot of them in this anime.

But there's more to Ikki Tousen than ass and titties. It actually has a decent story. It's basically about a bunch of fighters from rival schools who compete in a tournament in which there are basically no rules regarding torture and death. The story also tiptoes briefly around sexual abuse but we won't get too into that. Basically the main girl (the one on the left in the picture above) has some inner-dragon thing that all the other characters are either trying to unleash, repress or control. Ok so it's not really a fantastic, epic story or anything but I mostly liked the way it was handled. I actually wasn't entirely bothered by the upskirts and nudity because, let's face it, if half a dozen young, full breasted women are gonna fight each other in short school skirts then it would be kind of rediculous if you didn't see some bum hugging white panties. Actually, come to think of it, they're all wearing the exact same underwear. Ok so that's a bit hard to swallow. Besides, what if I have a fetish for a different style or colour? But I digress. The fact is that the semi-nudity actually makes sense and for the most part actually fits in with the situations.

The lame thing about Ikki Tousen: Battle Vixens is that for all it's shameless upskirts it's actually a pretty enjoyable anime series; which is lame because people will inevitably see images like the ones above and disregard it. It's this well balanced blend of action, narrative and rediculously comic soft pornography that somehow manages to make a consistent, decent series.That said, it's not a classic by any means. The story is consistent and makes sense but the whole thing ends up going basically nowhere. Characters have learnt nothing, the status quo is restored and the world carries on unchanged. I understand that there are further series and OVA's of Ikki Tousen so perhaps the story is yet to fully develope? I certainly feel that a few character relationships left a lot to be desired. But you know what? At the end of the day I don't feel like an anime like this really wants serious critical treatment. I mean it's definately supposed to be rediculous; the boobs make *boing* noises for fucksake. So in the end I guess what I'm trying to say is that Ikki Tousen might actually be worth checking out. You'll probably feel a little confused as to why you don't hate it, I know I am.

Undead Rant

You know how the elderly are often stereotyped as grumpy, disconnected and bored with everything? Well sometimes I wonder if I'm already a little too close to that. Well something that's been bringing me closer to that ultimate destiny recently is the undead. Oh how I'm sick of hearing about the undead. We have vampires in every teen romance novel, we have a zombie mode in every video game and I'm altogether over hearing about it. I'm sick of vampires being sexy, I'm sick of zombies being the cause of the appocalypse and I'm sick of nerds getting excited about pretending they'll survive it. So I thought what I'd do in todays blog is vent a little of my annoyance and explore the stupidity of the undead mythologies.

The Name
The first thing to ever bug me about the undead is that they're called "the undead." Let me explain to you how the English language works people. When the prefix "un" is placed before a word is juxtaposes the meaning of the original word so that the new word means the opposite. So then the word "undead" would literally mean "not dead". Now this in itself is fine because zombies seem to posses very basic signs of life and Vampires are able to pick up chicks at bars so it's easily argued that both of these beings are not actually dead. But then comes the problem, neither are we. Regular, 9 to 5 workin' John and Jane who deliver your post and have sex with the highschool swim team, none of them are dead either. So is everyone  not buried or cremated also "undead"? That doesn't really work does it. A better word for it would be "semidead". Semi, for all you dickhead writers out there who can't fucking get it right, meaning partly. THAT one makes sense. They're not quite dead or alive but exist in a weird grey area. Easy.

The next thing that pisses me off about the name is that I can't count the number of times that vampires have said the words "I'm already dead." Excuse me. No you fucking aren't. Dead people can't be arrogant, tall-talkers for one. Vampires can be killed too, by stakes and what not. If there's one situation in which you can NOT be killed it is if you are already dead. But apparently vampires, who are supposedly already dead, can die. So let me get this straight. The undead, are named in a way that literally means they AREN'T dead, are actually already dead but that doesn't mean much because they can still die. Die, die again. Maybe all this is just a scam on the part of the vampires so that they can collect 2 lots of life insurance? Besides which vampires all seem to "outlive" human beings, which is something the mopier ones often sulk about. I mean it's rediculous, are they dead or not? Try and get it together people.

The Zombie Appocalypse
I realise that by this point in my post I haven't given much attention to zombies. Want to know why that is? It's because zombies are fucking boring. I have no idea why or how people manage to talk about zombies so fucking much. Here's what they do. They shuffle. They kill. They sometimes gurgle out a single word. How the hell are people able to go on and on about them? At least vampires are trying to be interesting. But the main reason zombies are talked about so very, very is because the entire Geek Kingdom (ie, the internet) is obsessed with discussing the Zombie Appocalypse.

The annoying thing about the zombie appocalypse is how seriously it's taken. Everyone acts like it's going to happen like it's the Y2K all over again. Nerds actually have models for how the zombie appocalypse will play out depending on factors like the weather and the method in which a person becomes a zombie. It's pretty stupid. I can see the fun in pretending like it's the end of days and you just wanna live a little while longer in your stronghold, but actually making predictions about something that is never, ever, going to happen seems like a perfectly good way to get institutionalized. Let me put things in perspective for you. You know how people think that dice-based role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons are for losers? Well thoroughly planning how best to survive the zombie appocalypse is for the alpha-losers. The losers who other losers bully. And let me just leave this with you to think about. If you can't even function in human society without having your lunch money stollen how the fuck are you going to survive wave after wave of mindless killing machines who can smell you sweating into your Batman underpants?

The Undead VS Daylight
This one only really starts to unravel as you think about it. In many fictional universes the undead, be it zombie, vampire or werewolf (assuming they count, I don't see how they're any less dead than a vampire anyway), are often tranformed or killed in some way by sunlight. Now watch as I suck the fun out of this one.

Vampires usually only come out at night to avoid exposure to sunlight which would severly weaken and eventually kill them. Assuming that this is true, why is it then that moonlight doesn't do the same thing? Moonlight, after all, is just the exact same sunlight being bounced back to earth off the moon. Perhaps you could argue that reflected light doesn't have the same effect, which is fine I suppose except I'm pretty sure I've seen mirrors used to reflect light at vampires to weaken them.

Werewolves have the same sort of issue. Why does the full moon trigger their transformation? again, it's just reflected light. Perhaps you could argue that the other lunar phases do not have sufficient light to triiger the tranformation? But then why do they not transform in sunlight?

The problem with almost every one of my complaints is that they're basically all based upon anchient folk laws and the like, back when people didn't understand things like the moon or death. But I don't see why we have to continue with these laws in our current fiction. People defend these stupid old mythologies and thing like they're fact. You know how in the Twilight Saga vampires sparkle in the light instead of dying and everyone teases it saying how they're "not real vampires." Well here's a news flash dickheads, there ARE no real vampires. Even if sparkling teenage hearthrob vampires is extremely lame at least it's new. At least it's not just retreading the same old nonsensical shit and acting like changing this arcaic mythology would somehow be an affront to mankind. You'd be forgiven for thinking I hate the undead, but that's not quite true. I just hate the way they're getting treated these days. People have stopped being creative with them and are just happy to throw them all in together or randomly shoehorn them into some irrelevent story or game. It's the laziness of it that annoys me. Put in zombies and your game will sell. Put in vampires and you're teen romance novel will sell off the back of Twilight. Fuck you all. How about this for an idea? Get creative and do something new. Make your vampires weak against musicals, make your werewolves temperature sensitive, make your zombie hordes unable to go outside in the rain. Just do something fucking new.

Beautiful Katamari

A good long while ago I reviewed We Love Katamari on the Playstation 2. You might remember it. You might remember me liking the game. You might also remember that post being a bit shit. I am aware as much as any of you that sometimes my posts are a little bit on the dull side, especially when it comes to things I actually like. Beautiful Katamari (one of the games in the Katamari series don'tcha know?) gave me the opportunity to re-examine the Katamari formula, only this time much better. So let's get into the review shall we? Royal Rainbow!

The story begins with The King of the Cosmos on holiday with his family. Because the King of the Cosmos is both extremely powerful and extremely careless he manages to destroy the universe in a game of tennis. Game, set and match universe. So the King does what any all powerful universal collosus would do and gets his puny son to roll shit up into balls so he can hurl them into orbit and declare all extraterrestrial bodies replaced. You might think this sounds lazy of him but oh no, the King keeps hard at work harshly critiquing your efforts and punishing you when you fail to roll quick enough. But in all honesty the King of the Cosmos is a lovable character. Sure, he's out of touch, mentally inbalanced and destructively irresponsible. But you'll love him anyway.

Gameplay wise Beautiful Katamari is basically the same as any Katamari game. You roll shit into a ball. The ball gets bigger. Bigger balls roll bigger shit. The King belittles your efforts. Repeat. But this formula, although simple, manages to stay very refreshing and addictive with the use of clever level design and some interesting rules. There's one level where you have to quickly roll up a Katamari that is 10 000 degrees celcius by rolling hot things and avoiding cold things. Of course, Katamari logic dictates that hot and cold things are often abstract and confusing. For example a penguin counts as a cold thing and chili sauce counts as a hot thing. I'm pretty sure a penguine would burn better than a glass jar, but who am I to argue? Katamari logic can take a bit of getting used to, especially when you're trying to decide whether you are yet big enough to roll something up. There have been times where I was marching proudly along, rolling up all the puny objects in my way only to have some piddley little knick knack push me away like a repulsed blind date as you lean in for a goodnight kiss. Apparently size matters with katamari's too, but at least katamari's can grow without surgery.

Although the design sounds simple it always manages to stay fresh and fun. The mere act of rolling up something new is rewarding in itself, in a sort of Pokemon, gotta roll 'em all, kind of way. The game keeps track of your collection of crap, filing it away neatly and giving you an idea of how much of the world has been left unabused by your presence. The way a Katamari handles also feels right. You can start off a level speedily rolling up thumbtacks and gum saving up for being able to roll up that dogshit that's been giving you trouble and end up later on in the level slowly ploughing through cars, people and even buildings in the same slow, lumbering, unstoppable manner of Godzilla. People even panic and attempt to flee from your path. There's something very primally thrilling about seeing some jerk kicking and screaming as they are rolled around into other people. The levels are relatively short, usually clocking up about 6 mins. But you will find yourself replaying them over and over trying desperately to earn yourself a perfect score from the King. After doing so you unlock Eternal Mode for that level, allowing you to roll freely around it without a time limit. There's something extremely cathartic about toiling for hours for the perfect score and then going back to the level in Eternal Mode to reduce the level to an empty room or a flat area where a great city once stood.

The game still has it's flaws of course. Aside from the aforementioned Katamari logic to get your head around there's the camera. There are many occassions where I have done something I regretted because I couldn't actually see where I was going or even where my katamari was. Sometimes when your Katamari is big it obscures your vision and you find yourself crashing into unseen, mystery objects. As well as that I have found myself getting unfairly stuck because my katamari is just big enough to get wedged into some tight nook that is time consuming and damaging to get out of. Although these few flaws can be frustrating they certainly aren't dealbreakers. Katamari is as fun as it ever was.

I've heard some people complain that the Katamari games haven't changed at all. Whilst this is most certainly true I don't really care for a number of reasons. First of all, these games are so unique and fun that having more of them is definately good. Secondly, almost every katamari iteration appears on a different console, allowing more players to enjoy the game. Now that Katamari is on the Xbox 360, Playstation 2, Playstation 3, PSP and iPhone I don't see any reason why you, the reader, can excuse yourself from trying a Katamari game out. It may not sound like much and may look outlandishly camp and Japanese but just trust me, it's fantastic. The only reason I'm not playing it right now instead of blabbing on and on about it is because my fucking poorly designed Xbox 360 Pro has fucked up and is yet to be replaced by a new Xbox 360 Slim. But I've already ranted about how the Xbox 360 is shit. I bet if you opened one up it's probably being run on one of those potato batteries kids make in school. Yeah, that's it. Microsoft enslaves children to build Xbox 360's out of vegetables and chicken wire. Sigh...I miss Katamari.