Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Homework Project
I literally haven't got a clue how many people actually read this blog of mine but for those of you who do so regularly I have an exciting opportunity for you. I have decided to start up a new element to my blog. It's called "I.P ate My Homework" and basically I want my readers to submit to me their homework and I will do my best to do it in a humorous way. This won't, I repeat won't, be a serious attempt and is not intended for you to submit to your teacher. It's just a fun little mockery of how shit the education system is. My only rule is that it not be homework of a higher education level than high school, so no Topology assignments please. You may also feel free to set challenging parameters of your own in place. For example you might ask me that as a part of the essay I must include this topless picture of your mum as an additional text. I honestly don't know how this will play out but I thought it might be a neat little experiment and if it takes off I might attempt to make it a regular thing.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Nintendo 3DS (plus some first impressions of games)
Speaking of messy I've found it pretty hard to find a nice flat surface in my room to play the Augmented Reality games due to my desk being littered with uni work and miscellaneous crap. But I guess I can't really blame Nintendo for that. What I can blame them for is the tutorial, which failed attrociously to explain if and how I'm supposed to use the other character cards for the AR games. I probably need to explain this. You see the 3DS comes with a small collection of cards (like trading cards) with the idea that you can use the AR software and the 3DS camera to inject 3D models into your room or wherever you happen to have set down the card. It actually works really well and manages to quite convincingly manipulate the top of my desk. However the tutorial was pretty skimpy with letting me know what the other cards did. There's one with Link, one with Mario, one with Kirby, etc. and the game sort of hints that they can be used so that you can take photos that look like Link is running around your kitchen or Samus is pole dancing in the palm of your hand but I can't for the life of me figure it out based on the tutorial alone. I suppose I could read the instruction manual but quite frankly I haven't had to read one of those for a game in well over a decade and I don't much feel like breaking that streak just so I can take pictures of Kirby picking lint out of my bellybutton.
So anyway, on to the games. The real games. The ones that you have to buy separate and are designed to have lasting appeal. And after seeing the current launch titles available for the 3DS you could be forgiven for thinking there really aren't any real games at all. There are several renditions of Nintendogs, which only differ significantly from their DS predecessors in that they now have cats too. Mostly it's a bunch of stuff I don't give a crap about. My brother got two games for 3DS; Super Street Fighter IV 3D Edition and the even more absurdly titled Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Shadow Wars 3D. Shadow Wars 3D actually reminded me a lot of the Advance Wars game in that it's a sort of turn based RTS mixed genre type thing and I actually saw quite a lot of potential in there from the opening mission I played. SSF IV 3D was also pretty cool and featured some interesting new fighting angles to take advantage of the whole 3D thing and some neat touch screen stuff that will help balance out the slightly fiddley controls. The story for SSF IV 3D is fairly typical of the series. There's some very evil organisation that wants to do something evil to the world but nobody quite knows what and they figure the best way to achieve this evil goal is to hold a fighting tournament. I know not a single sane person on the planet plays Street Fighter games for their gripping narrative but I don't really understand why there needs to be such a complex shambles of a story just to set up a series of situations in which people bitch slap each other for 2 minutes or so.
In closing I see a lot of potential in the 3DS and I'd say that the console is largely selling off of that. The 3D effect works extremely well and, as Nintendo seemed quite keen to bang on about, you don't need to wear any glasses for it. There are quite a number of interesting games for the 3DS on the horizon, although I can't for the life of me figure out why they haven't got at least one of them ready for launch? I also find it amusing that so many of the titles of the games announced for the 3DS have the word 3D in them. It's kind of like we've come full circle from over a decade ago when people would put the word 3D in the title because it had a 3D model in it or because you could rotate your character 360 degrees. I mean that infamous SNES game Noah's Ark 3D was boasting 3D in it's title and that game looks like a garbage pancake. It makes me feel kind of old as I scoff at the absurdity of it all. But when The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D finally comes out my snorts of smug superiority will no doubt be silenced somewhat as I suck Nintendo's dick.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesdays, Pens and Cornettos
It struck me recently just how little my blog actually resembles the classic blog model. I don't indulge you with what I ate for breakfast (cereal). I've never opened up to the blogosphere and poured my heart out like a whiney teenager (I don't have a heart). And I flat out refuse to run crying back to my blog to bog myself down in self reflection and pseudo philosophical bullshit everytime I misinterpret a social neuance like I'm trying to mirror the life of a character from Sex and the City. But having said that the whole point for starting this blog in the first place, I mean appart from Lucy telling me I should, was that I had found myself stuck in a rut and thought that a blog might get my creative wanking muscles nice and strong again. But after doing this thing for a few years now it's become increasingly apparent that I'm slipping into a new rut. A rut consisting of me swearing and telling you how much I love/hate some movie/game. So after experiencing a rather strange day I decided I'd share with you some of the anecdotes and musings I went through in what will hopefully be an entertaining manner more resembling the blogs of my peers.
So it was a Tuesday. And Christ what a dick of a day Tuesday is. As my inevitable second day in a row getting about 5 or less hours of sleep, I find that getting up at 9am to drag my unenthused arse to a dimly lit lecture room to watch a powerpoint slide predominantly featuring long and samey reaction mechanisms warrents a hard earned nap afterwards. Except I never quite get around to napping. I have a 2 hour gap between the time I get home and my afternoon chemistry workshop which is exactly enough time to strip down, dim the lights, get under the covers, try to sleep, fail, get back up and put all your clothes back on just in time to do it all over again.
Now this brings me nicely to the first of my little anecdots. Whilst waiting for my workshop up at the campus cafe I discovered to my absolute horror that I lacked any and all writing utensils, having gotten them out at home in an ill-conceived attempt at study. I didn't much fancy the idea of sitting in an intimate classroom with 5 other students and my lecturer whilst they busily scribbled out answers to the worksheet and I was stuck trying to look like I'm in a deep state of engagement and understanding with molecular symmetry. I was also hungry and so concluded that the best option for the slaughtering of these two birds would be to visit the campus newsagent. So I grabbed a pen and a Cornetto (more on that later) and paid some rediculous price that made me curse my horrible scatter brain and left to attend the workshop. I arrived a good 10 minutes early and so I killed some time playing Pokemon. Some of my lecturers from other classes popped in and out of the room to grab textbooks, all the while trying not to look like my unexplained presence in the room was making them feel uneasy. So I waited. And waited. I checked the time and it soon became apparent that the workshop wasn't on and I was the only one who hadn't gotten the menu. The first thought that came to mind was "Fuck! I just bought a pen too." My second thought was how pathetic my first thought was. So I packed my stuff and left the room and I have to tell you there is nothing like the feeling of embarrasment you get as you shamefully slip out of an classroom you have been seen loitering in for a good 15 mins by people who have the power to fail you.
Now back to my Cornetto tale. Just let me qualify by saying "I fucking love Cornetto's". After many years of indiscriminantly eating icecreams of all sorts it's one of few left standing that I can still get excited about. It's the chocolate, the cone, the nuts, the complete lack of any boring bits the whole way down. Or so I thought. Street's have long claimed that Cornetto's have "no boring bits" because the chocolate and nuts are not just toppings but also make up a sort of confectionary spine that runs the whole way down the cone. But I have managed to isolate a sizable area in the icecream that I think qualifies as boring and it occurs between the aforementioned spine and the topping layer above the surface. It's not much, but it's there and it consists of about a mouthful of just the icecream. This area has been noticably present on the past three occassions in which I've dinned on a Cornetto. But who gives a fuck? I personally I still love Cornetto's and only really mention this as it is the sort of casual, brown-cardigan-wearing rubbish that my fellow "bloggers" tend to dribble on about as they try desperately to make a real human connection across this bleak void of ones and zeros. The rest of my day consisted of dinner and procrastination. So there we have it. That was my attempt at a "real blog". Don't complain, it's not like you pay me for this shit anyway. Besides we all know that in a weeks time I'll be back with a movie I hate and a short list of words I can substitute for "shit."
So it was a Tuesday. And Christ what a dick of a day Tuesday is. As my inevitable second day in a row getting about 5 or less hours of sleep, I find that getting up at 9am to drag my unenthused arse to a dimly lit lecture room to watch a powerpoint slide predominantly featuring long and samey reaction mechanisms warrents a hard earned nap afterwards. Except I never quite get around to napping. I have a 2 hour gap between the time I get home and my afternoon chemistry workshop which is exactly enough time to strip down, dim the lights, get under the covers, try to sleep, fail, get back up and put all your clothes back on just in time to do it all over again.
Now this brings me nicely to the first of my little anecdots. Whilst waiting for my workshop up at the campus cafe I discovered to my absolute horror that I lacked any and all writing utensils, having gotten them out at home in an ill-conceived attempt at study. I didn't much fancy the idea of sitting in an intimate classroom with 5 other students and my lecturer whilst they busily scribbled out answers to the worksheet and I was stuck trying to look like I'm in a deep state of engagement and understanding with molecular symmetry. I was also hungry and so concluded that the best option for the slaughtering of these two birds would be to visit the campus newsagent. So I grabbed a pen and a Cornetto (more on that later) and paid some rediculous price that made me curse my horrible scatter brain and left to attend the workshop. I arrived a good 10 minutes early and so I killed some time playing Pokemon. Some of my lecturers from other classes popped in and out of the room to grab textbooks, all the while trying not to look like my unexplained presence in the room was making them feel uneasy. So I waited. And waited. I checked the time and it soon became apparent that the workshop wasn't on and I was the only one who hadn't gotten the menu. The first thought that came to mind was "Fuck! I just bought a pen too." My second thought was how pathetic my first thought was. So I packed my stuff and left the room and I have to tell you there is nothing like the feeling of embarrasment you get as you shamefully slip out of an classroom you have been seen loitering in for a good 15 mins by people who have the power to fail you.
Now back to my Cornetto tale. Just let me qualify by saying "I fucking love Cornetto's". After many years of indiscriminantly eating icecreams of all sorts it's one of few left standing that I can still get excited about. It's the chocolate, the cone, the nuts, the complete lack of any boring bits the whole way down. Or so I thought. Street's have long claimed that Cornetto's have "no boring bits" because the chocolate and nuts are not just toppings but also make up a sort of confectionary spine that runs the whole way down the cone. But I have managed to isolate a sizable area in the icecream that I think qualifies as boring and it occurs between the aforementioned spine and the topping layer above the surface. It's not much, but it's there and it consists of about a mouthful of just the icecream. This area has been noticably present on the past three occassions in which I've dinned on a Cornetto. But who gives a fuck? I personally I still love Cornetto's and only really mention this as it is the sort of casual, brown-cardigan-wearing rubbish that my fellow "bloggers" tend to dribble on about as they try desperately to make a real human connection across this bleak void of ones and zeros. The rest of my day consisted of dinner and procrastination. So there we have it. That was my attempt at a "real blog". Don't complain, it's not like you pay me for this shit anyway. Besides we all know that in a weeks time I'll be back with a movie I hate and a short list of words I can substitute for "shit."
Monday, March 14, 2011
Pokemon Black and White
With as much time passing between posts as this I find it quite hard to get the ball rolling again. A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 months, both personal and impersonal, and with each passing day it feels like I'm going to have to do a better and better post in order to grab the spotlight once again. Speaking of grabbing the spotlight again it has been mere days since the release of Pokemon Black and White versions and the consequential dawning of the inevitable 5th generation of pokemon. So now that I've drawn your attention away from my neglectful blogging I think it's high time I reviewed the new Pokemon games.
It's actually hard to know where to begin when reviewing a Pokemon game. It seems somewhat rediculous to try and introduce and explain Pokemon in any way to give context to the review because in this day and age it feels a little bit like being tasked with explaining the internet. Most people already know at least something about it to a certain extent and those that don't will be so disinterested that they are certainly not going to be reading this blog post ever. So lets cut that bullshit right out and skip straight to Black and White.
If you have ever played Pokemon Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, SoulSilver, Heartgold or any combination of the above then basically everything I'm about to tell you will sound as familiar as your own name. You start up the game as a youthful boy or girl who lives in a small town consisting of your mum, a family who live next door with an only child of roughly the same age, a few nameless randoms who wander around outdoors a lot and a world renowned Pokemon Professor who shares a name with a species of tree. You're character is still a mute gimp who gets praised as a hero when really all they ever do is get dragged into any shit that happens to be going on nearby. Before too long you and your peer are given a choice between a water, grass or fire pokemon, given a pokedex and pushed out of your nest so that you may topple the plans of an evil organization, battle a legendary pokemon and become the pokemon champion for the region. Speaking of legendary pokemon we have now reached the point where 47 pokemon are officially considered legendary, which somewhat undermines the feeling of awe you might've once felt for them. I'd also like to point out how silly it is that there are so many pokemon legends and stories being passed around these different towns and regions and that not a single one of them turns out to be wrong. It's akin to all the worlds religions becoming completely validated all within a few decades.
Anyway so back to the story arc. Pokemon Black and White sticks pretty faithfully to the previous generation's story arcs but I must say it does step it up the tiniest bit by making a morally ambiguous antagonist called N. N is something of a rogue member of the aforementioned evil corporation but his motivations are actually sympathetic and even admirable. I wouldn't want to "spoil" things for you but let me just say that even though for the most part the story of pokemon black and white differs from previous stories only in names and character models there are one or two moments that will feel different and interesting, even if they game doesn't take things far enough.
But you know what? Fuck the story! Nobody's playing pokemon for it's gripping and epic narrative (however welcome I think it would be to the series). All anyone really cares about is new moves and new pokemon and while I'm not really an obsessive enough loser to comment on the new moves I certainly can comment about the new pokemon. Initially I, like many many others, thought that the new pokemon looked generally uninspired and dull. While this certainly is the case for a few of them many of the new ones have actually grown on me a lot. There is one that is literally a bag of rubbish with a face whilst there's another one that is modelled like a giant ice cream cone. It's a mixed bag that I'm generally happy with and there are quite a few new and unique type combinations for all you fellow strategy nerds out there. But it's a personal thing of course and whether or not you think the current generation are balls or not really comes down to personal taste and how you value your pokemon.
Mechanics wise things have been tweaked here and there and various small features have been stuck about the place that will appeal to varying extents but really there really isn't anything new here. Pokemon Black and White play more like expansions to the generation 4 pokemon games than proper sequels. Despite a few bells and whistles it's clear that the pokemon series is stagnating but how much that bothers you is another question entirely. Whilst I'm totally aware that the series is in dire need of a dramatic shake up I also can't honestly say I'm not enjoying the new games. So what can you really do about it? It's a winning formula that is currently guarenteed to make Gamefreak and Nintendo millions of dollars. Perhaps the 3DS will inspire the developers to shake things up a bit?
It's actually hard to know where to begin when reviewing a Pokemon game. It seems somewhat rediculous to try and introduce and explain Pokemon in any way to give context to the review because in this day and age it feels a little bit like being tasked with explaining the internet. Most people already know at least something about it to a certain extent and those that don't will be so disinterested that they are certainly not going to be reading this blog post ever. So lets cut that bullshit right out and skip straight to Black and White.
If you have ever played Pokemon Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, SoulSilver, Heartgold or any combination of the above then basically everything I'm about to tell you will sound as familiar as your own name. You start up the game as a youthful boy or girl who lives in a small town consisting of your mum, a family who live next door with an only child of roughly the same age, a few nameless randoms who wander around outdoors a lot and a world renowned Pokemon Professor who shares a name with a species of tree. You're character is still a mute gimp who gets praised as a hero when really all they ever do is get dragged into any shit that happens to be going on nearby. Before too long you and your peer are given a choice between a water, grass or fire pokemon, given a pokedex and pushed out of your nest so that you may topple the plans of an evil organization, battle a legendary pokemon and become the pokemon champion for the region. Speaking of legendary pokemon we have now reached the point where 47 pokemon are officially considered legendary, which somewhat undermines the feeling of awe you might've once felt for them. I'd also like to point out how silly it is that there are so many pokemon legends and stories being passed around these different towns and regions and that not a single one of them turns out to be wrong. It's akin to all the worlds religions becoming completely validated all within a few decades.
Anyway so back to the story arc. Pokemon Black and White sticks pretty faithfully to the previous generation's story arcs but I must say it does step it up the tiniest bit by making a morally ambiguous antagonist called N. N is something of a rogue member of the aforementioned evil corporation but his motivations are actually sympathetic and even admirable. I wouldn't want to "spoil" things for you but let me just say that even though for the most part the story of pokemon black and white differs from previous stories only in names and character models there are one or two moments that will feel different and interesting, even if they game doesn't take things far enough.
But you know what? Fuck the story! Nobody's playing pokemon for it's gripping and epic narrative (however welcome I think it would be to the series). All anyone really cares about is new moves and new pokemon and while I'm not really an obsessive enough loser to comment on the new moves I certainly can comment about the new pokemon. Initially I, like many many others, thought that the new pokemon looked generally uninspired and dull. While this certainly is the case for a few of them many of the new ones have actually grown on me a lot. There is one that is literally a bag of rubbish with a face whilst there's another one that is modelled like a giant ice cream cone. It's a mixed bag that I'm generally happy with and there are quite a few new and unique type combinations for all you fellow strategy nerds out there. But it's a personal thing of course and whether or not you think the current generation are balls or not really comes down to personal taste and how you value your pokemon.
Mechanics wise things have been tweaked here and there and various small features have been stuck about the place that will appeal to varying extents but really there really isn't anything new here. Pokemon Black and White play more like expansions to the generation 4 pokemon games than proper sequels. Despite a few bells and whistles it's clear that the pokemon series is stagnating but how much that bothers you is another question entirely. Whilst I'm totally aware that the series is in dire need of a dramatic shake up I also can't honestly say I'm not enjoying the new games. So what can you really do about it? It's a winning formula that is currently guarenteed to make Gamefreak and Nintendo millions of dollars. Perhaps the 3DS will inspire the developers to shake things up a bit?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Resident Evil 5
Because Christmas is that special time of year where distant relatives decide to pretend they don't hate you by uncomfortably cramming themselves into your everyday life for a week or so I found myself replaying Resident Evil 5 cooperatively with my cousine. My first playthrough of RE5 the previous year left me with lukewarm feelings. It was certainly very underwhelming when you compared it to RE4, which is one of my favourite games of all time. This second playthrough on the hardest difficulty has given me the opportunity to really figure out why I was so underwhelmed the first time. So rather than my usual game review format I thought instead I'd share with you my critical opinions on what made RE5 inferrior to RE4.
The Pirate Merchant Sex Offender
I did a blog post on this guy a while back in the days when my blog was cutting edge and exciting. Basically he was this mysterious shop keeper who followed you around and eagerly showed you his wares from underneath the kind of large coat people wear to flash the high school girls swimming team with. He was creepy and lovable all at the same time and the phrase "welcome stranger" became much more hilarious amongst enlightened individuals that it really out to be. Hell they even quoted him on Bayonetta. So you'd expect a certain level of disappointment from people, myself included, when it was discovered that this crazy merchant would not be in RE5. But not only did one of our most cherished characters not return but he was also replaced with nothing more than a menu. There was no character selling you stuff, just a list of words that took your money. But this is just one of a few examples in which Resident Evil 5 decided to...
Take All the Fun Out of the RE4 Formula
Let's not kid ourselves, RE4 was rediculous. It had weird stalkers selling you rocket launchers, it had a weirdo parasite worshipping cult who hated the USA and it had an albino midget dressed as Napoleon hacking into your two way radio system just so you and he could exchange "yo mamma" jokes. But it was rediculous in a fun way. It had abandoned almost every aspect of the original games, both gameplay and plot wise, in order to make the whole experience varied, enjoyable and hilariously camp. RE5 is also rediculous but in a way that is completely not fun. Perhaps Capcom felt that their game needed to be more gritty and serious to stand up and be counted amoungst the current generations big, serious action titles? Who knows why but for some reason they decided to make the game all serious. Which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but the problem is they also forgot to make it good. Let me put it like this, you know how there are movies that are so bad that they're good? Well that's RE4. Well you know how there are some bad movies that are also so bland and serious that you can actually feel your life wasting away as you watch them? Well that's RE5.
Co-op and the Inventory SystemI personally don't have a problem with co-op modes in games. I actually think that they can make a very welcome addition to a game. But that's exactly what they should be, an addition. The problem with RE5 is that it's set up in such a way that playing it non-cooperatively puts you at a crippling disadvantage. This is because playing by yourself is really just playing co-op except with an A.I. team mate, an A.I. that is incredibly tedious and annoying to control and put up with. But this wasn't a huge concern for me because for the most part I was playing with a helpful, human companion. BUT the ghost of this co-op game design still lingered in the inventory system. The inventory system in RE4 was excellent and allowed you to carry everything you could possibly need if you were clever with how you used it. It seems that with the addition of co-op and hence two inventory systems (one for each character) the game designers felt it would be perfectly acceptable to cripple the ammount of stuff you can carry. It all ends up being this horrible mess of swapping crap back and forth between characters and for what? It doesn't make the game more challenging, just more tedious and frustrating.
Quick Time Events
RE4 was the first game I can recall that used quick time events during what would normally be random cutscenes. While I wasn't really impressed by their inclusion I certainly never found them instrusive or punishing enough to be a dealbreaker. Then in waltzed RE5 saying "you know what? I can make Q.T.E.'s much more annoying than that." And before you knew it you were doing an entire fucking boss where you had to use quick time events the whole way through and if either me or my cousine fucked up, just once, it was instant death time to start over. It was frustration that I haven't felt for a game since trying to unlock everything in Mario Kart Wii.
But this isn't to say that RE5 is bad. Resident Evil 5 is still a pretty good game really it's just that at the end of the day it hasn't really added anything significant to the series and really just became a crippled version of RE4. The whole point of sequels, appart from cashing in, is to further develope and improve over what came before. RE5 just took steps backwards and I really don't understand why. It had less variety, less convenience, less humour, less sense and less functionality? What the fuck is with that? In the end RE5 failed to distract me from the fact that the girl I adore was in a land far far away and I was missing her warmth and companionship. At night I hug the pillow she slept on...*sigh* I miss my Moomee.
The Pirate Merchant Sex Offender
I did a blog post on this guy a while back in the days when my blog was cutting edge and exciting. Basically he was this mysterious shop keeper who followed you around and eagerly showed you his wares from underneath the kind of large coat people wear to flash the high school girls swimming team with. He was creepy and lovable all at the same time and the phrase "welcome stranger" became much more hilarious amongst enlightened individuals that it really out to be. Hell they even quoted him on Bayonetta. So you'd expect a certain level of disappointment from people, myself included, when it was discovered that this crazy merchant would not be in RE5. But not only did one of our most cherished characters not return but he was also replaced with nothing more than a menu. There was no character selling you stuff, just a list of words that took your money. But this is just one of a few examples in which Resident Evil 5 decided to...
Take All the Fun Out of the RE4 Formula
Let's not kid ourselves, RE4 was rediculous. It had weird stalkers selling you rocket launchers, it had a weirdo parasite worshipping cult who hated the USA and it had an albino midget dressed as Napoleon hacking into your two way radio system just so you and he could exchange "yo mamma" jokes. But it was rediculous in a fun way. It had abandoned almost every aspect of the original games, both gameplay and plot wise, in order to make the whole experience varied, enjoyable and hilariously camp. RE5 is also rediculous but in a way that is completely not fun. Perhaps Capcom felt that their game needed to be more gritty and serious to stand up and be counted amoungst the current generations big, serious action titles? Who knows why but for some reason they decided to make the game all serious. Which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but the problem is they also forgot to make it good. Let me put it like this, you know how there are movies that are so bad that they're good? Well that's RE4. Well you know how there are some bad movies that are also so bland and serious that you can actually feel your life wasting away as you watch them? Well that's RE5.
Co-op and the Inventory SystemI personally don't have a problem with co-op modes in games. I actually think that they can make a very welcome addition to a game. But that's exactly what they should be, an addition. The problem with RE5 is that it's set up in such a way that playing it non-cooperatively puts you at a crippling disadvantage. This is because playing by yourself is really just playing co-op except with an A.I. team mate, an A.I. that is incredibly tedious and annoying to control and put up with. But this wasn't a huge concern for me because for the most part I was playing with a helpful, human companion. BUT the ghost of this co-op game design still lingered in the inventory system. The inventory system in RE4 was excellent and allowed you to carry everything you could possibly need if you were clever with how you used it. It seems that with the addition of co-op and hence two inventory systems (one for each character) the game designers felt it would be perfectly acceptable to cripple the ammount of stuff you can carry. It all ends up being this horrible mess of swapping crap back and forth between characters and for what? It doesn't make the game more challenging, just more tedious and frustrating.
Quick Time Events
RE4 was the first game I can recall that used quick time events during what would normally be random cutscenes. While I wasn't really impressed by their inclusion I certainly never found them instrusive or punishing enough to be a dealbreaker. Then in waltzed RE5 saying "you know what? I can make Q.T.E.'s much more annoying than that." And before you knew it you were doing an entire fucking boss where you had to use quick time events the whole way through and if either me or my cousine fucked up, just once, it was instant death time to start over. It was frustration that I haven't felt for a game since trying to unlock everything in Mario Kart Wii.
But this isn't to say that RE5 is bad. Resident Evil 5 is still a pretty good game really it's just that at the end of the day it hasn't really added anything significant to the series and really just became a crippled version of RE4. The whole point of sequels, appart from cashing in, is to further develope and improve over what came before. RE5 just took steps backwards and I really don't understand why. It had less variety, less convenience, less humour, less sense and less functionality? What the fuck is with that? In the end RE5 failed to distract me from the fact that the girl I adore was in a land far far away and I was missing her warmth and companionship. At night I hug the pillow she slept on...*sigh* I miss my Moomee.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
So Long 2010
Ah yes it's that time of the year where everybody who's anybody (and even some nobodies such as myself) take a look back at the year that has passed and re-iterate all the points they've already made at other points in the year. 2010, like any year, has had dizzying highs and crushing lows. I even developed a very close and special relationship with someone (she knows who she is) that I'm sure will remain strong for many years to come. So just in case you care what I think about this stupid year, I'm going to plonk everything into awards categories.
The Dark Horse Award for Unexpected Excellence
This award hands down goes to Nintendo. After years of shafting it's loyal fans to suck money through the genitals of the casual market Nintendo came out of the shadows at E3 this year to announce some awesome new games and even a cool new handheld console. While Sony and Microsoft farted about trying to get in on the casual, motion control bandwagon Nintendo were announcing a new Donkey Kong, a new Kirby, a new Zelda (two if you count the Ocarina of Time 3DS remake) and much more. Having finished the new Donkey Kong and loving every waking moment of it's retro brilliance I am truely excited for what the other yet to be released titles might be like.
The Supermodel That Flirts With You But Then Turns Out to be a Religious Conservative Award for Biggest Disappointment
I thought about this one long and hard. I don't really remember having high expectations of anything this year and as we all know, without expectations it's hard to be disappointed. A few things came to mind, like Weeds, which I only started watching a few months ago and never even came close to matching the level of hype being generated for it. And Final Fantasy XIII which should have further developed and refined the gameplay and design of FFXII but instead stripped away all sense of freedom and witheld all the good bits until after you finished the confusing, badly told, 40 hour story. But the winner in my eyes is the whole damn christmas release schedule of 2010. Out of fear to be in direct competition with the new World of Warcraft expansion (AKA something I don't give a shit about) most companies didn't have the balls to release their cool new games after about November. Nintendo released Donkey Kong Country Returns and then unless you wanted a Kinect or a Playstation Move you were pretty much fucked for Christmas games. In the end I asked for games that I had missed from much earlier in the year. Christmas used to be THE TIME to release your brand new AAA title. I guess I don't mind them getting spread out a bit though.
2010 Game of the Year
I don't give a fuck if I am the only person in the world who thinks this. But for me the game I had, without a doubt, the absolute most fun with this year was Bayonetta. I loved this game to such an extent that even when the vaguest of hints were dropped about the possibility of a sequel I started squealing and telling everyone who was in the house. Enough said, Bayonetta is fantastic. Special mentions go to Donkey Kong Country Returns and Super Mario Galaxy 2.
The Finding $20 in the Street Award for Most Pleasant Surprise
I'm not sure if pleasant really quite covers the immense love I feel for this show. The Inbetweeners is the winner and it is the funniest show I have seen in years. As far as addictive new TV shows go it is basically 2010's Big Bang Theory. I have only started watching it within the past couple of months and since then I have seen all 3 seasons at least 5 times each. It is brilliant. If you are capable of laughter then I highly recommend checking it out as long as you aren't some massive pussy who is easily offended and can't handle a bit of vulgar language, in which case why in the fucking hell would you be reading this blog you stupid bum fingering dickhead?
The Part Where I Get Excited About 2011
Well as mentioned previously there is going to be a new season of The Games and saying my expectations are high is like saying that Paris Hilton is "quite well off" or "I suspect that much of the cast of Pirates XXX aren't virgins." Video game wise 2011 has many exciting new games coming out like the aforementioned Nintendo titles, Bulletstorm, Deus Ex: Human Revolution and even the now legendary Duke Nuken Forever (which I'm really more excited about for the sheer novelty of it actually existing). A little later on in the year the new season of Breaking Bad will start and finally relieve it's fans after cock teasing them all the way up to the season 3 finale before checking it's watch and saying "I gotta go now. Here, take some tissues. Seeya!"
The Extra Special "I Love You" Award For Being the Person Who Made 2010 an Aimazzing Year
Again...she knows who she is ^_^
The Dark Horse Award for Unexpected Excellence
This award hands down goes to Nintendo. After years of shafting it's loyal fans to suck money through the genitals of the casual market Nintendo came out of the shadows at E3 this year to announce some awesome new games and even a cool new handheld console. While Sony and Microsoft farted about trying to get in on the casual, motion control bandwagon Nintendo were announcing a new Donkey Kong, a new Kirby, a new Zelda (two if you count the Ocarina of Time 3DS remake) and much more. Having finished the new Donkey Kong and loving every waking moment of it's retro brilliance I am truely excited for what the other yet to be released titles might be like.
The Supermodel That Flirts With You But Then Turns Out to be a Religious Conservative Award for Biggest Disappointment
I thought about this one long and hard. I don't really remember having high expectations of anything this year and as we all know, without expectations it's hard to be disappointed. A few things came to mind, like Weeds, which I only started watching a few months ago and never even came close to matching the level of hype being generated for it. And Final Fantasy XIII which should have further developed and refined the gameplay and design of FFXII but instead stripped away all sense of freedom and witheld all the good bits until after you finished the confusing, badly told, 40 hour story. But the winner in my eyes is the whole damn christmas release schedule of 2010. Out of fear to be in direct competition with the new World of Warcraft expansion (AKA something I don't give a shit about) most companies didn't have the balls to release their cool new games after about November. Nintendo released Donkey Kong Country Returns and then unless you wanted a Kinect or a Playstation Move you were pretty much fucked for Christmas games. In the end I asked for games that I had missed from much earlier in the year. Christmas used to be THE TIME to release your brand new AAA title. I guess I don't mind them getting spread out a bit though.
2010 Game of the Year
I don't give a fuck if I am the only person in the world who thinks this. But for me the game I had, without a doubt, the absolute most fun with this year was Bayonetta. I loved this game to such an extent that even when the vaguest of hints were dropped about the possibility of a sequel I started squealing and telling everyone who was in the house. Enough said, Bayonetta is fantastic. Special mentions go to Donkey Kong Country Returns and Super Mario Galaxy 2.
The Finding $20 in the Street Award for Most Pleasant Surprise
I'm not sure if pleasant really quite covers the immense love I feel for this show. The Inbetweeners is the winner and it is the funniest show I have seen in years. As far as addictive new TV shows go it is basically 2010's Big Bang Theory. I have only started watching it within the past couple of months and since then I have seen all 3 seasons at least 5 times each. It is brilliant. If you are capable of laughter then I highly recommend checking it out as long as you aren't some massive pussy who is easily offended and can't handle a bit of vulgar language, in which case why in the fucking hell would you be reading this blog you stupid bum fingering dickhead?
The Part Where I Get Excited About 2011
Well as mentioned previously there is going to be a new season of The Games and saying my expectations are high is like saying that Paris Hilton is "quite well off" or "I suspect that much of the cast of Pirates XXX aren't virgins." Video game wise 2011 has many exciting new games coming out like the aforementioned Nintendo titles, Bulletstorm, Deus Ex: Human Revolution and even the now legendary Duke Nuken Forever (which I'm really more excited about for the sheer novelty of it actually existing). A little later on in the year the new season of Breaking Bad will start and finally relieve it's fans after cock teasing them all the way up to the season 3 finale before checking it's watch and saying "I gotta go now. Here, take some tissues. Seeya!"
The Extra Special "I Love You" Award For Being the Person Who Made 2010 an Aimazzing Year
Again...she knows who she is ^_^
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Jungle Boy
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I'm not normally the kind of person to give shout outs on my blog but I'm prepared to make an exception today because (a) she's a really important person to me; and (b) without her I would never have even discovered that this movie existed. So this blog is dedicated to Aimee, without her I'd have no post today. Thank you.
So moving onto the actual review. Today's animated classic comes courtesy of Cards Plus (DVD PTY LTD and all that bullshit), who apparently felt that in order to compete in the savage world of Birthday cards they needed to include short animated movies. There are several others out there but the one I happened to recieve in the mail was Jungle Boy. Not Jungle Book just so you're aware, they're completely different. This is about a young boy becoming estranged from his parents in the jungle and being raised by the animals. Oh wait sorry it is the same. Well except it's worse. Much much worse. I'm not even sure the person who wrote the blurb on the back of the card watched it. Here's what it says...
However here's what I wouldv'e said. Having already been raised by animals into a young man Mowgli must bridge the gap between man and nature in order to save the jungle he calls home. There's also a romantic subplot and some musical numbers The picture on the cover doesn't really even look like the movie, Mowgli is far too young. Maybe the people who wrote the blurb just watched the Disney version instead, for which I couldn't blame them. I don't remember Baloo and I don't remember the boy learning the secrets of jungle law. Mind you this 44 minute animation does have this habbit of just being completely unmemorable, it just sort of happens barely registering in the background of your mind. The movie tries to squeeze an aweful lot into those 44 mins but this means that lots of plot and characterisation takes a backseat. For example Mowgli's biological parents thought their son had been swallowed up by the earth when it opened up during a jungle excavation. Even if you swallow the troubling notion of taking your only child in a basonet into the unexplored jungle and sitting it on the ground while you dig, what happens next in the story is bat shit crazy. Some random hunter calls them up around 18 years later and mentions seeing a boy who behaves like an animal to which they basically say "That's just vague enough to be our son who must've been raised by animals instead of crushed by rubble, let's fly back to this remote jungle right away and have a more thorough look like we should've probably done at the fucking time." But of course more sensible plot progression needs to be sacrificed to make room for the couple of random, uncatchy songs that get shoehorned in for no conceivable reason beyond trying to copy Disney."When little Mowgli toddles into the heart of the Seeonee Wolf Pack, who adopt him, the jungle will never be the same again. With the help of his teachers, the big-hearted bear, Baloo and the wise panther, Bagheera, the boy learns the language of the wild and the secrets of Jungle Law."
At the end of the day I'm not really sure what I can say about this movie. It's certainly bad (any movie in which guns are inexplicably pink can't really be good after all), but for a movie that will only ever have a limited audience and undoubtedly had a minescule budget it's much better than you'd expect. My main gripe is how inaccurate the blurb is, which is more baffling than anything else. But even if it's not the completely shit movie it appears to be I still don't really understand why they made it? It certainly has nothing to do with Birthdays. It seems like an aweful lot of extra effort and expense just to make a greetings card. I certainly can't imagine it makes them a fat profit. And this is what this company does, I mean it's right there in the name "Card Plus DVD." This is what they do? This is their buisiness model? You know what I think? I think this whole company is just a front for some money laundering scheme or so some guy can tie up his drug money in a legitimate looking buisiness. Except of course it doesn't look legitimate at all. It looks sus. Really, really sus. Just look at that picture above. Look at the bear's face as he eyes-off boy Mowgli. Sus.
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