Unskippable: A Review

Let me just say this right here and now; Zero Punctuation IS The Escapist. If The Escapist had never bought the rights to Zero Punctuation then I would never go there. Not now. Not EVER. I know it sounds kinda cruel but occassionally, out of boredom, I have actually looked at some of the other series The Escapist runs and I am always disappointed and disgusted at what I discover. Anyway, out of the kindness and pity of my heart, I decided to look at one of the newest video series to feature on The Escapist, Unskippable. So far it is only two episodes in, but if it doesn't improve alot by episode three or four I'm not going to follow it any further. To cut right to the heart of the matter, the premise is that these two guys who speak in dull monotones overdub the unskippable cutscenes of videogames. It's kinda like what we do when we play games with friends sometimes, you know? Just having a few laughs is ok but I'd never put it up on the internet. Really though the premise is solid and interesting enough, and there are a buttload of games with shitty dialogue and the like, but the whole thing feels unprofessional and smacks of desperation. To me it feels more like something I'd accidently end up watching half of on Youtube before growing impatient with it's bullshit and leaving my computer altogether. One thing I really, REALLY disliked about it was the fact that most of the audio is still left in there. This would be fine if it was cleverly interwoven but as it stands it just stands in absolute contrast to the jokes that they ham-handedly wank into our faces. Perhaps this all sounds too harsh; and you know what? It is! I AM being harsh because really I think this show could be great. It's a solid idea with a wealth of opportunity and room to make it a real winner. It's like when people say they've found a diamond in the rough. In this case the diamond was in a sewer and was ripped out and sold to a jeweler too quickly, only to find that they'd forgotten to wash it off. So fix it up guys. Liven up your voices, scrap unnescessary audio and work on your material. You've got to be cruel to be kind.

The Infinite Possiblogities Guide to Improving Japanese RPG's

Love 'em or hate 'em JRPG's are a very popular force. I like some of them, I even love a few, but it's a genre with some serious issues. The main problem I find is that they all adhere rather strictly to the same archaic formula they've had ever since the freaking 1980's. That's fucking ridiculous when you think about it. That's almost 30 years with only a few major changes. Imagine if that happened in music. Imagine if someone decided to halt musical creativity around the 70' or 80's and just keep making those same popular albums over and over again except just changing the cover art or mashing up the lyrics a bit. "Fuck that!" is what we'd say "I'm not paying for that shit, I'll just download it of the Internet for free."Hey...wait a minute. Anyway about 2 years ago Final Fantasy XII was released and it actually changed quite a few things withing the genre for the better. The combat, for example, is livened up a lot by abolishing random encounters and making the AI customisable. It was very refreshing. However I found that the game is still a bit too long and samey for my liking which brings me to my next point. Game length. JRPG's are legendarily long, with playtimes often up to 50 hours to get through the main storyline. I would normally say that the solution to this is rather simple, cut alot of shit out, but it's actually not that easy. I can think of two reasons this would fuck the genre up. One is that the devoted fans would be mighty pissed off to have precious gametime reduced. Secondly is that JRPG's tell epic tales and if the gameplay was cut short the story would have to be aswell for the sake of balance. So I have two solutions here. One is to have multiple difficulty levels in JRPG's. I don't wanna have to be forever bogged down in leveling up my character just for one fucking almighty boss that pops up out of nowhere amoungst a sea of fucking retarded regular enemies. Save that shit for the freaks who love nothing more than masturbating as their tanked up character kicks the shit out of the games superboss. My other suggestion is to mix other gameplay elements into the mix. Other genres do it. Bioshock isn't JUST a shooting game, it has rpg and puzzle elements. Blue Dragon, forgiving some other faults, had the right idea here I felt. The odd rail shooter part certainly spiced things up. Next to go under the microscope is the story. As mentioned earlier the stories are Lord-of-the-Rings-Trilogy-esque. Overall the story is usually the best part of a JRPG and the main thing that the genres devotees go nuts for. In many ways it's also the biggest flaw within the JRPG genre because it tries so hard to excuse the anceint combat mechanics. But there are some very VERY annoying things that feature in many JRPG stories that I just flat out want erradicated. Let's just list 'em 'ay?

1. I don't give a fuck about the motives of the minor characters
2. Drop the non-human character who leaves behind their secluded villiage, their family and their culture.
3. Make a protagonist that isn't a straight up dick
4. Don't even think about designing an annoying, "cute" character who you just want dead (examples include Marumaro from Blue Dragon and the kids from Lost Odyssey, they were more horrible than you could ever imagine)
5. Thou shalt not say "I believe in myself"
6. same with believing in friends and the power of friendship or love
7. Make more slick charaters like Balthier from FFXII

Anyway I'm sure you've all said "fuck this shit, it's one of his serious gaming blogs" by this point and closed the page. Hell I don't blame you but I sure enjoyed getting this shit off my chest. Maybe someone from Japan will actually have my blog translated for them and then read it and say "good gosh, this man's a genius, let's abandon our winning, money-making formula that's made us rich for 30 years and hire him as supreme overlord of our next project."It's possible right? Right?...

Martin Morning

It's soft target time once again here at Infinite Possiblogities as I review childrens cartoon Martin Morning. The first odd thing I noticed about this show is a line from the theme song.

"His favourite girlfriend is Roxanne"

First thing that's off here is that Martin is like 7 years old or some shit. He's supposed to fear girls like they've got the plague. And don't think it's an innocent meaning like "a girl that is his friend" because he is seen regularly "gettin' some sweet sweet sugar" (kisses, you sicko's). The more disturbing thing is that it clearly says she's his "favourite" implying that he has multiple girlfriends. So this geeky looking kid is some sort of transforming playboy who ranks is lady companions? Well the show IS French so I guess it's not that outrageous to expect this sort of thing. Now onto the premise of the show. Martin is some kid who wakes up every morning to find he's transformed into something. One morning he's a caveman, then he's a superhero, then he's an alcoholic, you get the picture. Anyway, so the show sounds like it's got alot of variety right? WRONG! The show follows the same rigid formula every single day. First up Martin wakes up and finds many faults with what he's become, his friend thinks it's cool and his creepy girlfriend is always turned on by it. Then a situation occurs in which his brand new form is actually a huge advantage and Martin saves the day and we're all taught the merits of being a mouse or a dinosaur. The show's only short, probably 10-15 mins. One of those shows in the afternoon that get in the way for a bit between the good shows that kids actually like. Also I wanted to know why martin can talk perfectly when he's a mouse but can only grunt when he's a caveman? And why does he still go to school? Why isn't he being mistreated in a laboratory somewhere? For 10 minutes the show certainly raises alot of questions in my mind.

Mr.B's High Hopes For 2009 in Gaming

Ok I know I haven't really returned to form after my little break but I thought I'd indulge myself just once more before finally getting around to reviewing Martin Morning. Anyway, just for the sake of it, although nobody will take note or care, I've put together a little list of games I'm looking forward to this year. Whether or not they'll be good is yet to be seen. Fuck the explanations and excuses, I give to you "Mr.B's High Hopes For 2009 in Gaming."

The Sims 3 (PC)
When I first got my hands on the Sims 2 I was completely hooked for weeks. I'm not normally one for PC gaming, don't bother asking me why, and I seriously cannot think of any other time I've been so glued to my computer. I forgot to eat and sleep...well not entirely but I certainly ate and slept begrudgingly. Designing a human being and guiding it through life as either a nerd, romantic, money launderer or family raiser was certainly entertaining and rewarding. By the end of it my family practically populated the whole town. Anyway the 3rd installment in the Sims saga will feature even more customisation options and many new features that are sure to liven up the series.

Cursed Mountain (Wii)
I love a good survival horror game and what Cursed Mountain proposes is a very original idea for one indeed. The premise is that you are searching for you're brother who became lost after failing to adhere to Buddhist superstition before climbing a Himalayan mountain. The storyline is heavily influence by Buddhism and Tibetan folklore. This game is quite literally taking the genre to strange new places, as does the next game...


Sadness (Wii)
Once again survival horror, once again on the Wii and once again an original premise. Visually the game will have a black and white, gothic Victorian England sort of look (sorry if that's a bit of an eyefull). The game will deal with themes of narcolepsy, nyctophobia and paranoid schizophrenia. Psychological aspects to the survival horror genre have proven effective before in games like Silent Hill and Eternal Darkness and are hopefully going to work here aswell. The game's story will take place in pre-World War I Russia. All these excellent ideas for the survival horror genre are making me so excited I need to lay down a little bit before moving on in the list.


Resident Evil 5 (Xbox 360 and Playstation 3)
When compared to the last 2 titles Resident Evil 5 will be quite familiar. The hint is right there in the 5. If you count RE Zero (which I do) RE5 is the sixth installment in the main series of this very popular survival horror genre. But this one I recommend based on the strength of Resident Evil 4, which actually was original and reinvented the series. Of course the new direction RE4 took the series in was arguably not survival horror and more "over the shoulder action horror." But whatever, RE5 will basically be a high def RE4 set in Africa and starring Chris instead of Leon; and when RE4 was just soooo daaaaarrrrn gooooooood it's hard to not be excited.

Street Fighter IV (Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC and Arcade)
This one's really a no-brainer. It's a new Street Fighter game with a fancy new stylised art direction.


The Conduit (Wii)
Another interesting Wii exclusive. This is a First Person Shooter that uses a lot of clever tricks to ensure it looks as good as the shooters on the 360 and PS3. That and it's control scheme is modelled heavily off Metroid Prime 3, which I hold as the greatest use of Wii controls in any game.

Madworld (Wii)
I pretty much talked this one up a few months ago and don't feel the need to do so again.

Muramasa: The Demon Blade (Wii)
Before I launch into my final preview I'd just like to acknowledge how nice it is to see so many original, non-gimmicky third-party titles on the board for 2009. After 2008 it's very encouraging to see. Anyway Muramasa is an action RPG game with 2D graphics that look hand drawn (think along the lines of games like Okami and Braid). It looks stunning. The game has a feudal Japan theme as features katanas, ninjas, kunoichis and emperors. Very cool stuff indeed. There are two different playable characters which may or may not warrent multiple playthroughs (depending on how good the game is and how different their story modes are I guess). The game is said to be 60 percent complete as of October 2008 so hopefully we'll be seeing this one soon.

Diaries From Animal Crossing

On boxing day my brother purchased the new Animal Crossing: Let's Go To The City game for the Nintendo Wii. So my bro's and I had this grand idea that we'd try and write a blog together about our new virtual lives. The blog can be found at http://diariesfromanimalcrossing.blogspot.com/

Check it out and we can see where it all ends up, it may take a couple of posts to get into full swing but I have high hopes for it. Oh and don't worry, I'm still going to do Infinite Possiblogities

The Infinite Possiblogities Guide To Taking Down the Christmas Tree

I realise it may be a little late to be of immediate relevance but I figured I'd post it anyway. In the weeks (or days) leading up to Christmas we're filled with holiday warmth and joy as we carefully dress the tree in its tinsel, lights and stars. But afterwards the tree is discarded (or packed away I guess for all you plastic tree owners) impatiently and without remorse. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this intro, just pointing out how odd it is that we bring midget pine-trees into our living room I guess. So fuck it, here's a guide on how to kick that sucker out of your home.

Firstly make sure Christmas is over. I don't wanna get you all juiced up with my excellent guide only to have you chuck the thing out prematurely. But not only should you wait for the actual day to finish, but I advise that you wait until all your holiday merriment is well and truely extinguished. All you Scrooges out there will probably have already done the deed on Boxing Day, but for us it's dismantled around the time it starts going brown and limp. So after the tree is past it's prime you should also remember to take the decorations off and pack them away. Now's a good time to remove any broken ornaments or faulty lights from the yearly rotation before packing them away safely for next year. Once you're tree is all naked and sexy pick it up and chuck it out you idiot. Burn it, chop it up, lift it over the fence and drop it in your neighbours pool. Getting rid of anything (excluding say...a person) is really easy and you can apply the same "take object and make it gone" principle to practically anything. So just man (or woman) the fuck up and do it. It's not really that hard and doesn't require a guide you dick.

My First Achievements of 2009

2009 is already off to a flying start in my books. I have plenty of games, dvds and other shit now so I've officially been given more blog fuel. My creativity has also been given a boost it seems because several new ideas (including one possibly big one) has struck me over our week long separation. Anyway we'll get to all that bollocks in due time. Today I just feel like easing back into things with a simple declaration of my brilliance. After 300 odd playing hours I have at last obtained all 493 (holy shit) Pokemon in Pokemon Diamond. That is a COMPLETED pokedex of EVERY SINGLE pokemon from the very first games all the way up to the brand spanking new ones. I'm not normally one to brag like this but seeing as how the game only see's fit to give you a crappy, virtual certificate for all your hard work I feel that I need to get my just desserts elsewhere.