The Infinite Possiblogities Guide To Taking Down the Christmas Tree

I realise it may be a little late to be of immediate relevance but I figured I'd post it anyway. In the weeks (or days) leading up to Christmas we're filled with holiday warmth and joy as we carefully dress the tree in its tinsel, lights and stars. But afterwards the tree is discarded (or packed away I guess for all you plastic tree owners) impatiently and without remorse. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this intro, just pointing out how odd it is that we bring midget pine-trees into our living room I guess. So fuck it, here's a guide on how to kick that sucker out of your home.

Firstly make sure Christmas is over. I don't wanna get you all juiced up with my excellent guide only to have you chuck the thing out prematurely. But not only should you wait for the actual day to finish, but I advise that you wait until all your holiday merriment is well and truely extinguished. All you Scrooges out there will probably have already done the deed on Boxing Day, but for us it's dismantled around the time it starts going brown and limp. So after the tree is past it's prime you should also remember to take the decorations off and pack them away. Now's a good time to remove any broken ornaments or faulty lights from the yearly rotation before packing them away safely for next year. Once you're tree is all naked and sexy pick it up and chuck it out you idiot. Burn it, chop it up, lift it over the fence and drop it in your neighbours pool. Getting rid of anything (excluding say...a person) is really easy and you can apply the same "take object and make it gone" principle to practically anything. So just man (or woman) the fuck up and do it. It's not really that hard and doesn't require a guide you dick.

Live From the Shelves of Sam's Warehouse

I wish I had a picture of this item. It would probably make my post about 10% funnier. But without the visual aids I'm going to have to rely on y readers abilities to use their imaginations. But anyway I was doing the usual shelf stacking at Sam's Warehouse today when I noticed a rather stupid product. It was in amoungst all the other bachelor/ette merchandise aimed at cackling, drunk 30 year old women and simpleton men. It was basically one of those egg ring things except it fries the egg into the vague shape of a woman. WOW! Seriously though it was called something along the lines of "Sexy Egg Frier (or is it fryer?)" but I'm not sure if sexy is really an accurate or appropriate description of the item. 13 from House is sexy. That girl who stood in the middle of the globe of death as high speed bikes occupied about 90% of her personal space was sexy. Eggs are not sexy. No matter what shape they are, runny or not, eggs are not sexy. But the embellishment of the items description is a little beside the point. There was another thought that crossed my mind. Why would anyone want their eggs to be sexy? Food and sex, of course, can be considered acceptable. I'm fine with people out there licking body chocolate off each others flesh. What I'm not fine with is people wanting to spread their seed in their breakfast. Ok, sure, the product isn't actually suggesting you scramble your eggs a little more intimately but trying to make your meal look like a person of the opposite sex isn't exaclty a step in the right direction. But you know who this product is really aimed at? The late bloomers. Anyone remember in primary school how all the kids would be spotting dicks and tits in the clouds, in odd shaped sticks and the like? Then do you also remember how there would always be a kid who either took the joke way too far or flat out didn't get it? That's the kid who, 8 years or so later, is out cooking up their eggs with a big, disgusting grin on their face. It's like cheating really. It's funny when you find a potato that looks like a giant wang, mostly because it just happened that way. But if you start cooking eggs that look like boobs then of course they're going to look like boobs. You spent $5 and then 2 mins to make them look exactly like that. How can you do that and then say "hey, hehehe, these eggs look like boobies,hehehe"? Then again, maybe I'm just reading way too far into this cheap metal shape?