If Death Were a Videogame (get it?)

I would be lying to you if I told you that death didn't bother me. I am an empty, beliefless body that is terrified by the thought of death. In our world death is a big deal. Some people think it's final, some people think we come back as something else and others think that if they die in a way that reflects well on some ancient book that they'll be having the most bitchin' afterlife ever experienced. In the world of videogame logic though, death is many things, but it is never a big deal.

Take a game like Sonic. Sonic will run so fast that he can't see the cliff before he is experiencing it and will die only to use another life to hopefully learn from his past mistakes. Ah yes. What a different world it would be if we could collect extra lives. Not that it would be too easy. Remember ever trying and dying over and over trying to get an extra life that's in a place more dangerous than the fifth floor of a burning building? Yeah well imagine gambling your only real life in order to get another. Hectic.

In a multitude of FPS games you can come close to death and then recover yourself completely by simply hiding away from danger for a little while. Boy that'd be great huh? Break your leg and instead of hospitals and medical insurance all you need is to take it easy for a while and make sure no more harm comes to you for a minute or so. In these situations you can still die of course, but your chances for survival are drastically improved.

Death in the Sim's is very similar to death in real life. Your loved ones are devistated, you get a grave stone or an urn. But of course in the Sim's you can come back as a ghost to freak people out. Oh and more importantly Death comes in his personified form. Loved ones can play him in a game of chance to try and get you back. That's pretty handy, although they have to be there fairly quickly. But even if you lose at least you get to talk to Death. If he's anything like the Discworld's Death I would be quite pleased.

Death in JRPG's is, to say the least, very confusing. I remember specifically a point in Final Fantasy X where I was battling wave after wave of armed soldiers slowing chipping away at my health with multiple gunshots. After I'd been shot like 100 times and taken it all like they were throwing scrunched up paper at me I came to a cutscene where I was held at gunpoint I this managed to stop me because apparently during cutscenes bullets being fired at close range suddenly become dangerous. To make matter's even more confusing we have the ability to revive characters repeatedly during combat. Yeah I know that they usually call it being KO'd but I don't entirely buy that. After all when you're supposedly KO'd you get revived by pheonix downs (pheonix of course having the ability of rebirth) and even by spells that are called "Life." Both these things would make more sense if they were reversing the effects of death rather than being KO'd. And then there's the curious case where some JRPG's have a main character die off as part of the story. Why can't you revive them then? You still have the spells and items to do it and nothing happened to the character that you haven't already survived a million times before in combat. What the fuck is going on?

Sonic VS. Mario

Here's a battle older than time itself. For many years now, as the young adults of today were growing up, a fierce war was waged between Sega and Nintendo. Phantasy Star against Final Fantasy; Master System against NES; CD against cartridge. But none of that compared to the all consuming ravialry between Sega's Sonic and Nintendo's Mario. The war has more or less died now that Sega has dropped out of the console wars to develope software, but I'm here today to put the 2 mascots back under the microscope and compare them to decide who is better once and for all.

Sidekicks

Every good hero needs a sidekick. Someone to bail them out of trouble, offer comic relief or even just someone whom the hero looks better than by comparison. Mario's usual and most popular sidekick is his brother Luigi. Luigi is often overshadowed by his more popular brother but Luigi is arguably better than Mario. Luigi can jump higher, is more easygoing and just isn't out to impress the way Mario is. The Paper Mario series always characatures him as the unnoticed, inperceptive and even cowardly sidekick but then when it comes time to prove himself as Mario's equal he never backs down. The truth is Luigi is quite a character all on his own, perhaps even more so than vanilla Mario. Then there's Sonic's sidekick Tails (or Miles "Tails" Prower for all you well read Sonic fans out there) who comes across as a pathetic, iritating child in desperate need of some "maning the fuck up." Tails is a little bitch, plain and simple. His theme tunes in the Sonic Adventure games are always sung by females and he seems to fall apart without Sonic there to hold his hand through it all. He's a sus dude alright. Winner - Mario

The Herioc Quest

A hero can only be a hero if he has a quest. Some good deeds to do, someone to save. Every hero needs to do something to earn that title. In Mario's case, the heroism extends as far as rescuing the same stupid Princess over and over and over in the vain hope of getting some pussy or maybe even just getting some money so that he can retire. Mario never seems to get much out of these quests other than the odd kiss or a cake. So how much good does Mario do? Not heaps to be honest. Sure he's determined to get some respect from Peach but all he ever does is rescue the same girl over and over. Surely there are others in more dire need than the incredably thick Princess. Sonic on the other hand has freed thousands of animals from the cruel experiments of a demented scientist, thwarted several plans for global dictatorship and even brought the world back from the brink of the Appocolypse on several occasions. He has some seriously boss adventures. Winner - Sonic

Theme Tunes

Every hero needs one of these, otherwise how would you know they were winning? Mario has kept his simple tune for many years now. It's as recognisable as tunes get these days. People remix it, rap over it and cover it on the piano, guitar and even in orchestras. Sonic on the other hand ditched his old 16 Bit tunes for Jap-Rock. Some people like that kinda stuff, I don't mind it too much at times but overall it's pretty shitty and it leaves Sonic without a consistant tune to call his very own. No orchestras, no remix, not even a ringtone. Mario smokes Sonic in this category. Winner - Mario

Selling Out

I think it's pretty safe to say that Mario wins this category hands down. Mario has been used to sell pasta, shampoo and all sorts of rubbish. Mario has had a gazillion guest appearances in shitty games and is probably only likely to get worse. Mario knows it too, the whole Paper Mario series seems to self-parody the situations Mario finds himself in these days. Not that Sonic is guilt free here either. Sonic's had his fair share of comic books and cartoons that don't fit together in the slightest. But seeing as how Sonic is less popular than Mario these days, Sonic just doesn't seem to sell the shirts the way Mario does. Winner - Mario

Brawlin'

There is one simple way to determine who is the champion mascot these days and that's by battling them out in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Of course the better player is the one who wins in the end, not the actual mascot. So I decided to set them both up as CPU's on the hardest dificulty. Items were turned off and the level was Final Destination so as to limit the amount of chance that was in play during this important battle. And the Winner is...MARIO!

It seems that despite all that Sonic had going for him he just couldn't beat Mario in a duel. I was surprised, I've always thought that the winner would be Sonic because of his speed and his spikey head (how's Mario gonna jump on that shit?). Seems my faith was missplaced on this occasion though. But Sonic holds a very special place in my heart. Sonic the Hedgehog was my first true obsession as a child and even though he just can't make a 3D game like Mario can, a part of me still loves him to bits.

A Look Back on Sonic Adventure 2

After several days of posting spiteful commentaries I have decided do something a little different. Instead of crucifying a soft target I am here to stand in defence of Sonic Adventure 2. But before I suit up and start jumping into bullets I feel a bit of background needs to be explored. Asuming you already all about Sonic the Hedgehog and his populater series of 2D platforming games from the 16 bit era (if you don't know or care about Sonic this may not be the article for you) I'm just going to skip ahead to the very first Sonic Adventure game. Sonic Adventure was the first Sonic game to be released for Sega's ill-fated Dreamcast and promised to be just that; an adventure. As well as fast-paced 3D platforming action the game would feature an open world to explore and a more involved story that would come to life through various voice-acted cutscenes. This was a huge step for Sonic and in the end the game fell a little short of the mark. Whilst recieving fairly positive reviews the game managed to cause many fans to turn away from 3D Sonic games. The open world was largely empty, some character's individual adventures were either too short or poorly designed and the game was prone to some pretty bad glitches. To be honest this wasn't Sonic's worst game; other 3D titles such as Sonic 3D and Sonic the Hedgehog (360 and PS3) have caused many fans to renounce newer Sonic titles altogether. But I'm still a believer; a cautious one, but one all the same. I believe beause I've played Sonic Adventure 2.

The Sonic Team obviously reflected heavily on the successes and failures of the original SA when developing it's sequal. What they created was a well paced, more balanced and more fun Sonic experience. The aweful open world was amputated like a gangrenous limb and this helped the game progress at a much speedier and natural rate. Let's face it, a meandering Sonic game is not a true Sonic game. The different characters also get a more even story length than in its' predesessor. The other characters are also more fun to play than they were previously. It is a common criticism of SA2 that the treasure hunt and platform-shooter levels are alot less fun than the fast, action levels. While it's true to say that the latter is where the game truely shines the other levels I found to be a pleasant bit of variety well mixed into the rest of the game. Sonic is also given alot of new abilities; my favourite being the ability to grind down rails on Sonic's "Soap Shoes." The game is not without its flaws though. The camera in particular can be dodgy at times. But I stand by this game as one of Sonic's best. I still play the Gamecube version and Ihave actually enjoyed getting 100% completion. It's one of a very select few games that have had that kind of replay value for me. Whilst the purests may not appreciate it, I enjoyed it thoroughly and would recommend it to anybody who's interested.

Overall Score - 90/100

I liked it so fuck you!