If Death Were a Videogame (get it?)

I would be lying to you if I told you that death didn't bother me. I am an empty, beliefless body that is terrified by the thought of death. In our world death is a big deal. Some people think it's final, some people think we come back as something else and others think that if they die in a way that reflects well on some ancient book that they'll be having the most bitchin' afterlife ever experienced. In the world of videogame logic though, death is many things, but it is never a big deal.

Take a game like Sonic. Sonic will run so fast that he can't see the cliff before he is experiencing it and will die only to use another life to hopefully learn from his past mistakes. Ah yes. What a different world it would be if we could collect extra lives. Not that it would be too easy. Remember ever trying and dying over and over trying to get an extra life that's in a place more dangerous than the fifth floor of a burning building? Yeah well imagine gambling your only real life in order to get another. Hectic.

In a multitude of FPS games you can come close to death and then recover yourself completely by simply hiding away from danger for a little while. Boy that'd be great huh? Break your leg and instead of hospitals and medical insurance all you need is to take it easy for a while and make sure no more harm comes to you for a minute or so. In these situations you can still die of course, but your chances for survival are drastically improved.

Death in the Sim's is very similar to death in real life. Your loved ones are devistated, you get a grave stone or an urn. But of course in the Sim's you can come back as a ghost to freak people out. Oh and more importantly Death comes in his personified form. Loved ones can play him in a game of chance to try and get you back. That's pretty handy, although they have to be there fairly quickly. But even if you lose at least you get to talk to Death. If he's anything like the Discworld's Death I would be quite pleased.

Death in JRPG's is, to say the least, very confusing. I remember specifically a point in Final Fantasy X where I was battling wave after wave of armed soldiers slowing chipping away at my health with multiple gunshots. After I'd been shot like 100 times and taken it all like they were throwing scrunched up paper at me I came to a cutscene where I was held at gunpoint I this managed to stop me because apparently during cutscenes bullets being fired at close range suddenly become dangerous. To make matter's even more confusing we have the ability to revive characters repeatedly during combat. Yeah I know that they usually call it being KO'd but I don't entirely buy that. After all when you're supposedly KO'd you get revived by pheonix downs (pheonix of course having the ability of rebirth) and even by spells that are called "Life." Both these things would make more sense if they were reversing the effects of death rather than being KO'd. And then there's the curious case where some JRPG's have a main character die off as part of the story. Why can't you revive them then? You still have the spells and items to do it and nothing happened to the character that you haven't already survived a million times before in combat. What the fuck is going on?

If Life Were a Videogame Lesson Two - Social Interactions

As the proud owner of a completely unsuccessful blog it would be safe to assume that my social skills are sub-par; and you'd be right. I'm not socially awkward as such, but I tend to sit in silence around conversations unless I'm with my closest friends (aka, YOU). Socialising is a complex thing. The wit. The timing. The subject matter. Different rules apply to different people in different situations and one wrong move could spell disaster. In videogames however, socialising is made much simpler and easier. In games like Fable II and the Sims simply acting possitively towards another person is enough to win complete admiration from your peers. Pull off the perfect fart in Fable II and everybody withing a 5 metre radius will want to marry you. Man or woman. Rich or poor. Whomever you wish to court the same techniques work every single time. As long as you don't attempt to murder them you can pretty much fuck whoever, whenever. The Sims are a little more fussy, but the same old formulas will always work whether you're tuning a teenage crush or trying to get into the pants of your brothers' wife. Bit of chit-chat, throw in a joke or two and then flirt, flirt, flirt. They may resist at first but another joke to smooth things over is all it'll take before you'll be making out, marrying and having sex having only met the person 2 days ago. That said, even though these characters move through all the stages in a relationship at the speed of light you can't just skip ahead to sex straight up with whoever you please. Anything slightly sexual in every game I've ever played can only be achieved when the character is head over heels in love with you. So even though you can have multiple partners and sordid love affairs you cannot just have a simple one night stand with a complete stranger. It seems kind of strange to me and really it only further highlights my point. Relationships in videogames are simplified far beyond the complexities of real life socialising. I realise of course that I've spoken mostly about sexual encounters concerning gaming and not so much on the friendship side, but in gaming it's pretty much the same formula. Fill up the friendship bar and you can interact with that person in whatever way you see fit. (Sigh) I wish I were a sim.

If Life Were A Videogame - Lesson One: Sleeping

I had a particularly shit sleep the other night. I was laying in bed with my eyes shut for about 4 hours trying to catch some z's. It was even shittier because I had work the next day I needed my beauty sleep. But my brian just wouldn't do it. It knew what it had to do, it knew the stakes and then it folded under the pressure. To be honest sleep rarely works out for me. I sleep too much. I sleep too little. I can only sleep facing one way. I'm too hot. I'm too cold. I'm too hungry. I have a diabetes related problem. I'm too tightly tucked in. My feet are exposed. I dream that there's a strange person in my room. There actually is a strange person in my room and he's stealing my wallet. I'm too excited. I'm itchy. I'm restless. Do you get my point? Now it occured to me recently that in videogames you don't have that problem. If life were a videogame then sleeping would trouble me no more. Take Fable II as a recent and trendy example. In Fable II enducing sleep is as simple as finding a bed, pressing A and selecting how long you want to sleep for. How fucking easy is that? (Answer: very).

Sims characters have no trouble sleeping either. I've even seen them sleeping standing up before. Turn based games like Final Fantasy XII have sleep spells as well as potions and spells to wake them up again. Of course, if I could help it I'd eliminate the need for sleep altogether. I could really use those extra hours in my life. But instead of learning to yodel I'm doing nothing. Nothing but sleep. So for one last gaming reference let's bring in Mario. Mario has no need for sleep. Mario could sleep if he wanted to, but why would he? Mario is unaffected by fatigue. He always has the energy to run, jump and fly. The only time Mario DOES sleep is when you don't play with him for 5 minutes or so. But even then he's probably just sulking. Anyway it's getting late now so I'd best be getting to bed now and TRYING to get some sleep. Goodnight.