Red Bull Ad's

I am well aware that ads are an easy target for a blogger. Nobody will ever stand up to defend an ad. Ads are almost universally bad with miriad things to rip on. I was never really intending to touch on ads personally, but then along came Red Bull. It all started out as a bit of fun. Well actually they were never fun. Red Bull ads were always badly drawn, cheapo affairs with a script and a sense of humour like the writers were all on coke, watching American Pie 2 and trying to communicate their ideas to each other in foreign languages. But of late Red Bull ads have gotten, well, raunchier. Red Bull is forever claiming to "Give You Wings" but I think now they're implying the Red Bull "Get's you horney." They're really unsubtle about it and it's only been getting worse. Soon the ads will just be like this...

"Red Bull. Make the connection"

They're really embarassing ads to watch with other people, especially if there's only two of you and especially, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR WATCHING TV WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS. It's horrible and awkward and I wish I could publically humiliate the people resonsible.

Beam Me Up

Aside from being an extremely shitty Urban Dictionary entry by "doo doo dicky" (see picture to the left) Femalien is an extremely shitty erotica from 1996 that can be found in the "adult" section of your local video rental outlet. It features all the full frontal nudity and simulated sex you come to expect from an erotica but also has an aweful story that will amuse you with its crappiness for maybe 15 mins or so. Straight up, Femalien should not be confused for pornography. Although your mum may not care for the difference if she walks in on you watching it, Femalien is not porn. Just to make the difference between erotica and porn clear; porn is designed to show explicit scenes of sex whilst erotica is more a story with sexual themes. "Boring!" I hear my readers cry; so lets get down to the naughty bits. To it's credit Femalien features some hot chicks whose anatomy the viewer becomes quite accustomed to. That's about it for the good points, so to its' discredit Femalien features...

1. Horrible music during the "lovemaking"
2. The lamest sci-fi story which is...
3. ...made worse by terrible acting
4. Several scenes of boring simulated sex that nobody even seems into
5. Well that's about it actually, but 1-4 do feature in almost every scene in this damn movie

Anyway seeing as how I DID make a bit of a big deal about the whole Femalien-not-porn-it's-erotica thing I suppose I HAD better cover the story a little. Femalien is an alien sent to Earth on a mission to study the mating habits of humans. On Earth she takes on the appearance of a large breasted female and goes out to perve on couples, seduce men and women and sleep with some guy in order to help out one of her brand new Earth buddies (before fucking them). It's kind of ironic that this disguise of hers is so revealing most of the time, don'tcha think? I mean in the traditional sense a disguise puts you in mind of large trenchcoats, dark glasses or even one of those humorous glasses, fake nose with moustache combos you can get at party shops. Actually this whole movie kinda gives off those party shop vibes. I can just imagine this movie being watched at a buck's party whilst waiting for the strippers to come. I also thinks it rather strange that after the seduction the Femalien beams her prey to her love pad and the subject of her sexual experiment hardly seems to care. A quick look about and the utterance of "weird, how did you do that?" followed by a vague answer like "I have magnetic attraction" is all that is required to put their minds at rest before they get it on. I personally, in this situation, would question a little further than that.

"Seriously! I'm not fucking around! How did you do that? I need answers. Look, if there isn't a completely inncoent answer as to why I am all of a sudden on your bed I'm leaving. So if you just let me call a taxi or something I'll be on my way."

9 Songs

I remember the first time I heard about 9 Songs. It's the only time I can recall when At the Movies with Margaret and David had a parental advisory warning before screening. You see 9 Songs was quite controversial at the time because had many scenes in it that fully displayed unsimulated sex. None of this two lumps moving around under the covers accompanied by giggles and "woohoo"ing (ala The Sims), when the characters in the movie have sex, so too do the actors. That's right kids! ACTUAL penises in ACTUAL vaginas and a camaraman who gets in so close I'm surprised the lense didn't fog up. Naturally this kinda movie must've caused all types of hassels for the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The big issue of the time was whether this movie was art or porn. This is a question that gets tossed around quite a bit and there are people who will, by default, immediately side with one or the other. At first the OFLC gave it an X rating akin to a porno flick but they revised that decision soon after and gave it an R. Now where do I stand on the issue? Personally I don't think it is porn for one important reason, I CARED about the characters. The film definately has intentions other than causing erections and starting a war between Christian Mothers Groups and Bill Henson supporters. There's a story here to be told through the sex and even though it's heavily improvised it's done magnificently. Also the movie features 9 live perfomances (hence the title) of various artists, so the music is pretty awesome aswell, even if you aren't Franz Ferdinand's biggest fan.

These "9 Songs" are:

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Whatever Happened To My Rock And Roll"
The Von Bondies, "C'mon, C'mon"
Elbow, "Fallen Angel"

Primal Screem, "Movin' On Up"

Dandy Warhols, "You Were The Last High"
Super Furry Animals, "Slow Life"
Franz Ferdinand, "Jacqueline"
Michael Nyman, "Nadia"
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Love Burns"

PS. The movie seriously has a running time of 69 minutes. Also, I'd like to know if anyone else thinks that the guy playing the male lead in this movie looks like Niko Bellic from GTAIV (he's the one on the left).

Today on Infinite Possiblogities; Mr. B Reviews a Sack of Porn

Ahhh Monday. There's nothing like coming back from an excellent weekend with a brainload of new ideas to try out. Struggle as I did on Friday my post was sub-par to say the least (and complete shit to say the most). Anyway as luck would have it I had a moment of inspiration over this weekend. A dear old friend of mine is moving to the city. As we speak my simple country pal is headed for the "Big Smoke." Upon hearing this I feared for my friend; feared that in this dog-eat-dog world of ours my dear old friend may be chewed up and spit out by the city he hoped would make him big. Sometime before exchanging farewells I bestowed upon my firend some of the things I've learnt about showbiz. As the famous writer of a highly successful blog I felt it my duty to nurture this vulnerable sapling with the knowledge that success has brought me; hoping to help him blossom. As a token of appreciation my friend gave me an elf-hat and a sack of VHS porn. It was around this time that inspiration struck. Not only is porn a tool to aid sexual gratification but porn can also be really fucking funny. So for the benefit of all you folks out there with no desire at all to see Creme de la Face #6 I thought I'd share with you the funnier moments of porn.

Fuck that was a long intro! Anyway the first thing I found kinda strange is that alot of these tapes feel the need to add stupid, cheezy music. Why? Just because the movie is called Cum Eating Asians these people feel the need to add the clunks and twangs one asscociates with feudal Japan. I mean there are no samurai, kimono's, emperors or ninjas involved; just girls and dicks. Dialogue is another funny addition that some directors feel they need to add. These porn actors and actresses love a good chinwag (sounds kinda dirty in this context huh?). Heaps of questions and small talk. A few jokes to break the ice. What's with it? Perhaps these guys like to get to know a person before going all the way with them. Sounds reasonable, they probably don't want a rep for being "easy."

I'd also like to mention how funny Ben Dover is. Not only is he the first person to assume a prank call persona but he also has such style; rockin' a pink tank top and a hairdo like Robert Plant. Yuk, yuk, YUKKY! Good thing he spends most of the time behind the camera and not being seen. Another example of a strange dress code is the guy who is almost completely naked. The almost here being the strange bit. All he is wearing is a baseball cap. Does he feel naked without it?

Weatherwoman

Seeing as how I'm already into the cult Japanese movie reviews I decided to turn my attention to Weatherwoman. This "wickedly funny, over-the-top farce" (quoted from the New York Times) makes movies like Scary Movie look sensible. However that comparison is probably a little unfair on Weatherwoman because, let's face it, Scary Movie is a shitty spot-the-pop-reference spoof movie whilst Weatherwoman manages the be crazy and amusing all off its own merits. Unlike The Princess Blade, Weatherwoman perfectly delivers what it promises. It says it'll be a crazy, raunchy, Japanese comedy and it pretty much cracks all the jokes whilst rubbing its crotch and crackin' the whip. But whilst The Princess Blade was a little mediocre, it's potential to appeal to a wider audience is probably greater than that of Weatherwoman. In other words, it may not be your cup of tea, but I certainly liked it enough to buy it so if anyone feels like giving it a shot you know who to holla at. The humour feels VERY Japanese. Let me just give you a run down of what kind of things this movie will treat you to:

• A sexually empowered weatherwoman who "reinvents" weather reporting by flashing her panties during every forecast


• A jealous rival determined to claim the position of weatherwoman and "reinvent" it in her own way


• A pathetically wimpy, yet totally obsessed fan


• A perverted old man (actually there's probably a fair few)


• A lot of dominatrix style behaviour


• A magical whip that gives you superpowers if you can endure being repeatedly whipped by it


• Several incidents of jumping off high buildings


• Two really horrid song and dance numbers *shudder*


• A publically broadcast weatherwoman showdown

Seriously though, this is only really scraping the surface. There's alot of crazy shit going on in this movie. Again this is reasonalby short movie (clocking in at 85 mins) so perhaps it's worth checking out if only to get yourself some cult movie cred.