Welcome to School Girl Internal

Have you ever thought about porn a little too much? I don't mean in the perverted, peeking into the girls change rooms kinda way. I mean in a logical kind of way. For example have you ever thought about how often pornstars get pregnant? I mean their job is to have (usually) unprotected sex on film. Surely with all the masses of porn constantly being made there must be some pregnancy flying around the place. The thing is you never see it though. It's the sex without any consequences...until now. Welcome to School Girl Internal, a porn site with a twist. Basically every plot involves a school girl having casual sex with a neighbour/teacher/football hunk/guy who just happens to be passing by but the twist is that they always end up pregnant. Here's what the site itself has to say...

"There's just something about schoolgirl snatch. Once that hydraulic young pussy clamps tightly around your bareback dick, there's just no getting out! Like a houseguest that gets too comfortable, your cock just doesn't want to leave. No matter what you promised about pulling out. No matter what logic dictates. Once your little head starts doing all the thinking, instincts take over and your dumbass dick won't want to bail till the job is interally done. Why does it have to feel so damn good? This is the question we're asking at SchoolGirlInternal.com!"

So I'm not really sure what they're getting at here. Are they trying to promote safe sex? Are they trying to describe how hot their actresses are? Are they trying to cater to a strange, impregnating school girls perversion? I have no idea. I watched a preview for one and it seems to treat the whole thing like a joke. That's right, let's all just laugh it up as we watch the guy running and screaming after receiving the news several months later. It even plays comical music and speeds up the reel. Aside from that though it's really just the same old routine as far as porn goes. A bit of this. A bit of that. Maybe a tiny bit of the other to cater for those few who are into it and then...Oh my god! It's hilarious. They actually act out the whole "coming inside them" scenario. It's amusing because it is clearly fake. Male porn actors are required to have strong control over that particular bodily function. I particularly love the half-arsed "oh oh OOOOh!" they put in to tell the audience "yes, I am coming now" and then poorly acted response "did...did you just come in me?"

So where am I going with all of this? I dunno. I guess I just wanted to rip on something stupid. In the end I don't really know what to make of it all. It's clear that the porn industry is struggling to come up with believable scenarios for porn and so are instead opting for semi-comedic, Ralph magazine type scenarios where women play a Wheel-of-Fortune game with different positions and what have you. I guess we've all been cracking jokes at porn for so long now that the industry has just gone "Fuck it! Nobody is taking us seriously. Let's just go with the flow and make funny porn."

P.S. Have I become a little too familiar with this industry?

Cosplay Porn

After a debate I had with myself about moral hygene I finally decided to upload this image (it's down a little further, oh and I wouldn't look at it around parents or at work either) and earn my content advisory message that appears when you try to access this page. I guarantee it's relenvant to my topic and if you find it offensive you should just be glad I edited out the more "offensive" bits (or the "exciting" bits if you are horney). Anyway, potential controversy aside and on to the REAL topic of todays post. Once again it's about porn but on this occasion I'm actually going reveal to you this amazing idea I recently had to make porn about 200% better. I asume that all of my audience has been exposed to some level of pornography, you are reading this off the internet after all. I also assume that a fair hunk of you enjoy porn on a number of levels and to a certain extent. Now something quite a number of people find a bit corny or cheezy is the scenarios or fantasies that the pornstars play out. Of course some of you may like them aswell, who knows? Anyway I guess the reason they exist is so that certain fantasies can be fullfilled for the viewer (to a certain extent). But the reason people find them cheesy I daresay is because they are done in such a cornball way and theydon't offer any real emotion at all. Here's where my idea comes in. What if there were porn scenarios based around popular charaters from TV, movies or even (dare I even say it) videogames. Now I am aware that obviously some actors and actresses won't be up for having sex with each other, camera or otherwise, and were only willing the sleep with the director to get in the movie (haw haw haw). So what comes next is cosplaying. Pornographic actors and actresses should get into some costumes before they go at it. It doesn't have to be distasteful either. What I think would be ideal would be if the director who did the movie/tv series/whatever made some story relevant porn which would come on, say, an optional DVD? You know how some movies imply that sex took place and you're a little disappointed that you didn't get to see it? This is where my idea happens. The potential result could be porn that we can feel an emotional connection to. I'm actually really curious about what my readers will think so feel free to comment. Just to give you a bit of an idea I thought I'd edit the pic to include some poular characters.

In the Dead of Night

As I have made mention of in previous posts I am unemployed and as an unemployed bum it is my duty to be awake at 1 or 2am every night. Sometimes I'll be playing through a game that I love more than food and showering and other times I'll be watching some late night TV. Now late night TV, as we all know I'm sure, can be a mixed bag. The mixed bag in this case is 90% soft core mobile phone porn, religious broadcasts and infomercials. The other 10% is what I consider to be a watchable television program. Anyway though lets just backtrack a little to talk about those fucking mobile ads. You know the ones right? "Free Adult Babe Videos" and what-have-you when all you want is to watch the rest of Flight of the Concords. Who actually buys this shit? If I wanted porn I'm quite capable of finding it for free on the net, my computer's also got a bigger and better screen than any mobile phone I've ever seen. I can just imagine the kind of seedy insomniacs who would subscribe to this shit, laying on the couch in front of the TV squinting at the boobies on their mobile screen. But then another thought struck me. As I mentioned earlier in the post I am unemployed and I'm pretty sure that the majority of people who are watching TV at this hour are in a similar situation. Somehow I can't see very many people with no incomes paying $4 (or whatever) for a girl in her underpants moaning and writhing around on her bed in a way that, to me, says "seizure" more than "orgasm." But whatever, I guess I don't really care who buys this shit. After all it's just some shitty mobile club designed to wring money out of unwary saps. So next time you're up late and all alone do yourself a favour, instead of paying a rediculous amount on money just go to the internet. Here's two sites for you that should help get you started (incase you're an idiot you probably shouldn't view these at work)

www.pichunter.com

www.youporn.com

9 Songs

I remember the first time I heard about 9 Songs. It's the only time I can recall when At the Movies with Margaret and David had a parental advisory warning before screening. You see 9 Songs was quite controversial at the time because had many scenes in it that fully displayed unsimulated sex. None of this two lumps moving around under the covers accompanied by giggles and "woohoo"ing (ala The Sims), when the characters in the movie have sex, so too do the actors. That's right kids! ACTUAL penises in ACTUAL vaginas and a camaraman who gets in so close I'm surprised the lense didn't fog up. Naturally this kinda movie must've caused all types of hassels for the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The big issue of the time was whether this movie was art or porn. This is a question that gets tossed around quite a bit and there are people who will, by default, immediately side with one or the other. At first the OFLC gave it an X rating akin to a porno flick but they revised that decision soon after and gave it an R. Now where do I stand on the issue? Personally I don't think it is porn for one important reason, I CARED about the characters. The film definately has intentions other than causing erections and starting a war between Christian Mothers Groups and Bill Henson supporters. There's a story here to be told through the sex and even though it's heavily improvised it's done magnificently. Also the movie features 9 live perfomances (hence the title) of various artists, so the music is pretty awesome aswell, even if you aren't Franz Ferdinand's biggest fan.

These "9 Songs" are:

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Whatever Happened To My Rock And Roll"
The Von Bondies, "C'mon, C'mon"
Elbow, "Fallen Angel"

Primal Screem, "Movin' On Up"

Dandy Warhols, "You Were The Last High"
Super Furry Animals, "Slow Life"
Franz Ferdinand, "Jacqueline"
Michael Nyman, "Nadia"
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Love Burns"

PS. The movie seriously has a running time of 69 minutes. Also, I'd like to know if anyone else thinks that the guy playing the male lead in this movie looks like Niko Bellic from GTAIV (he's the one on the left).

Today on Infinite Possiblogities; Mr. B Reviews a Sack of Porn

Ahhh Monday. There's nothing like coming back from an excellent weekend with a brainload of new ideas to try out. Struggle as I did on Friday my post was sub-par to say the least (and complete shit to say the most). Anyway as luck would have it I had a moment of inspiration over this weekend. A dear old friend of mine is moving to the city. As we speak my simple country pal is headed for the "Big Smoke." Upon hearing this I feared for my friend; feared that in this dog-eat-dog world of ours my dear old friend may be chewed up and spit out by the city he hoped would make him big. Sometime before exchanging farewells I bestowed upon my firend some of the things I've learnt about showbiz. As the famous writer of a highly successful blog I felt it my duty to nurture this vulnerable sapling with the knowledge that success has brought me; hoping to help him blossom. As a token of appreciation my friend gave me an elf-hat and a sack of VHS porn. It was around this time that inspiration struck. Not only is porn a tool to aid sexual gratification but porn can also be really fucking funny. So for the benefit of all you folks out there with no desire at all to see Creme de la Face #6 I thought I'd share with you the funnier moments of porn.

Fuck that was a long intro! Anyway the first thing I found kinda strange is that alot of these tapes feel the need to add stupid, cheezy music. Why? Just because the movie is called Cum Eating Asians these people feel the need to add the clunks and twangs one asscociates with feudal Japan. I mean there are no samurai, kimono's, emperors or ninjas involved; just girls and dicks. Dialogue is another funny addition that some directors feel they need to add. These porn actors and actresses love a good chinwag (sounds kinda dirty in this context huh?). Heaps of questions and small talk. A few jokes to break the ice. What's with it? Perhaps these guys like to get to know a person before going all the way with them. Sounds reasonable, they probably don't want a rep for being "easy."

I'd also like to mention how funny Ben Dover is. Not only is he the first person to assume a prank call persona but he also has such style; rockin' a pink tank top and a hairdo like Robert Plant. Yuk, yuk, YUKKY! Good thing he spends most of the time behind the camera and not being seen. Another example of a strange dress code is the guy who is almost completely naked. The almost here being the strange bit. All he is wearing is a baseball cap. Does he feel naked without it?